10-no-4 Days to Become a Social Media Expert

August 7, 2009 · Comments

Yes, those are panties. Based on the utter (ly made up) success of Get More Twitter Followers TODAY post, I have decided that I, too, am a SOCIAL MEDIA EXPERT. But why keep this to myself, I thought? (When I could tell you about it and seem smarter!) And so, I devised a 10 4 day course to make YOU a social media EXPERT. This is really all it takes. Get your LinkedIn profile ready, gang! You’ve got a new title to put on the summary part. YOU are going to be the next SOCIAL MEDIA EXPERT!!!


10, no 4!!! Days to Become a Social Media EXPERT

DAY 1 – Discover that everyone else is blogging and find a website that lets you get a FREE blog for FREE. Sign up and get the free account. Type in your first post: “I’m not really sure what I’m going to do with this thing, but here I am. I’ve got a great idea.” Then, wait a month and put up another blog post. But don’t let that stop you from your quest.

DAY 2 – Get an email from someone who wouldn’t talk to you in high school saying that they want to be your friend on something called MyFace or something. Get an account there and write up your bio. (It’s okay to fib a little). Discover the world of vampires and food fights and share quizzes with the other people. Extra points for tagging your friends in unflattering photos.

DAY 3 – Learn that blogging is dead. Discover that everyone is using Pownce tweetering on this Twitter thing, and get right on that. Answer the question “What are you doing?” very literally. “I am eating leftovers and watching an Idol rerun.” Annnnd, don’t forget to Get More Twitter Followers TODAY.

DAY 4 – Announce that you are now a SOCIAL MEDIA EXPERT (it’s okay that this is a day early), and put up a website where you offer a seminar. $97 is enough. Also, write a 24 124 page ebook (well, you don’t have to write if you find enough really good blog posts to copy and paste together from other sites), and sell that for $27 USD. Then, make sure every one of your profiles on every social site you’ve joined (should be like 70) says “Social Media Expert” in the title. Oh, and while you’re there, consider putting up an avatar pic.

That’s it. You can just PRINT MONEY at this point! Was that too hard??? No, I don’t think so! But if it was, here are a few more tips:

  • Tie the tools to business process.
  • Ruthlessly explore the value of the tools and methods to your company’s goals.
  • Build relationships before testing your business objectives.
  • Read voraciously.
  • Ask several questions.
  • Explore and test new services as potential augmentation of your business plans, but stop using services that don’t serve you.
  • Keep a timer handy so you don’t drown.

Fair?

OR

Consider pre-ordering Trust Agents and supporting Chris and Julien Smith:

Trust Agents

Inspired by a comment on Twitter from @grizzlysgrowls (in the good sense)

Photo credit C.C. Chapman

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  • I don't need to write an ebook - someone has commented on my blog, which means I am Engaging with a Key Stakeholder Group to Provide a Value-Added Rich Interaction (or whatever you call it).

    I'm printing 2-dollar-bills on my office inkjet right now.
  • Chris, can you help? I signed up at Blogger, but I'm confused. What's a permalink? And should I turn my comments off now to avoid dealing with people down the line? Finally, is it okay if I copy your stuff but remove your name? Thanks.

    PS. Have assumed you would say yes so have done this already.

    ;)
  • Day 15.

    Go back to your employer. See if it's not to late to get your old job back,...
  • J.T. O'Donnell
    Dear Chris,

    I've dumped a lot of money into get-rich and get-thin programs already, and am down to my last $100. So, I'm struggling between your program above or buying a used copy of '7-minute Abs.' Do you think you could come up with a program that does both? I don't want to pay extra though....:)

    Thanks!
  • Fantastic! Too funny...
  • Sign me up! Good one Chris... keeping it real and light. If we can't have a little fun, what do we have?

    Thanks for the laughs.

    Dean
  • I'm currently half way through this process. My e-book should be finished in the next couple of days!

    Thanks for putting this guide together! I can't wait to become a social media expert... TODAY! Or over the weekend... whatever.
  • Damn, you had me right up until you started on those few more tips. They just don't make sense to me ;)
  • This is funny considering how close it is to what some folks are doing. Its like driving a car, a lot of us do it, so does that make us experts? No, it makes us drivers. A lot of us tweet, does that make us experts? No, it makes us tweeters. Does using a car to deliver a service make us any more an expert in driving?

    Social media "experts" are funny to me. They're experts because they use it, really?
  • johnperkins
    " No, it makes us tweeters"

    No, it makes you twits"

    :D
  • You should also create another account, calling it a company and having it everywhere as your first client, preferably with a testimonial/recommendation/fan page.
    Did I pass?
  • shefaly
    Chris: You are making fun of half the people who use the interwebs, sorry, "lead their clients into harnessing the potential of the interwebs for achieving excellence". ;-) Seeing as I have already retired 2 blogs and am still blogging and tweetering (!) and hiding from undesirables on the YouWereNeverMyFriend networks, I am also on the verge of publishing my e-book on how to use social media to conquer the Chinese market for momos and the Indian market for samosas. Special time-limited offer for friends only, including you, yes, you. To find more, send me your email address so I can start sending you Spam, not that delicious lunch meat but something else e-lightful. Call now on 00800...
  • kagey
    I think I started to fall in love with you during this post.
  • Sarcasm in writing isn't easy to convey as the writer intends but I think you managed to do it and make your point. At least it made me laugh this morning. Thank you Chris.
  • Chris,

    With so many ill-informed people claiming to be 'social media gurus,' it's great that you wrote this post.

    Sadly, the people bright enough to read your blog, are not the kind who will get taken in.

    Here's hoping you saved a few people from making a mistake.

    Jim Connolly
  • I can't wait to start! I'm going to be sooo rich
  • Chris, I think people need a 4 days' course for $200 to become a SM expert :) Made me laugh so much! Have a great weekend :)
  • Thanks, @nagorbsirhc, for explaining social media expertease. Too bad you forgot to outsource the whole process.
  • At what point do you change the sub-title, "Just another WordPress blog" on your newfangled site? 'Cause all the experts seem to have done that somehow...
  • Haha. You forgot affiliate links. MUST push your own affiliate links via auto DM on Twitter and encourage others to become an affiliate too since... after all it's how you will teach them to make $150,000 a month in their underwear with no effort.
  • Kuan_Yew
    Hahahahah great one! Sign me up, I'm gonna be an EXPERT too! Who wants to sign up as an affiliate for my new book hahahahahaha
  • Ha Ha - this was really funny! :)
  • "Don't worry, it's a day early!" LOL

    Chris here's in the hope you can save us from all those jumping on the band wagon
  • jonathanfields
    Gee, I'd love to do this social media expert thing, but that's a lotta work you're talking about. And, I don't really have 4 days to spare. Wondering if you could post a 2-day version. Or, maybe just mail me a certificate? LOL
  • ahaha this is terrific :D
  • This is perfect. Social media expert is a term that always confused me. What exactly is that expertise? I guess some of them are just between the worlds.
  • Thanks for the tips! That stuff at the end seems hard and a waste of time, so I think I'll skip that though.
  • scottdelugan
    How very true Chris. Everyone seems to be an expert these days. Very funny post. :-)
  • ThatBoyTim
    Great post - very funny. I am going to change my status to Social Media Expert everywhere for the next week and see what happens. Btw I am also an expert photographer and have a Flickr account to prove it! LOL!
  • "Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your monthly newsletter."
  • Well I was going to announce my new title UNTIL I read the More Tips section. That looked a bit more complicated.
    Oh well, I have copied part of this post so, I now have 1 page for my new ebook. Oh yeah, when I paste it in, I'm taking the links out cause I am SEO expert & know what they are. Erm, maybe I am a webmaster.

    Cool I just became an expert in 3 areas with your plan!
    You rock, keep posting so, I can get all my books done so.
  • Hedgewytch
    Fantastic Chris, I can feel my profile growing just by reading this ;)
  • I'm having "Kiss Me I'm A Social Media Expert" aprons made up.
  • Bruce wins Best Comment.
  • Elizabeth - You have just officially made my day!
  • That free ebook is the most difficult bit. After that, producing real household income should be a no-brainer
  • It's like you were looking over my shoulder...
  • marilyntrockel
    Will this sell more print? :) add this to my list, now what should I call my blog? Hot Cylinders?
    Marilyn
  • FOUR days is still too long, Chris. Can't I squeeze it into just a day and a half, please? I mean, day #2 seems such a waste, and I can do day #3's task in the afternoon of the first day, and... no, wait, I want to be a 'Social Media Expert' NOW! Instantly.

    :lol:
  • Sunny Kapoor
    Hi Chirs,

    I sent you an email couple of hours ago. Hope you will consider reading it.
    Many Thanks
  • Sue
    Great post. Can you also let us know how to become a Social Media Guru, as there seem to be more and more of those popping up too. I am assuming it would take 8 days following your plan? :)
  • Hi Chris, I was wondering if I can some kid of primer course and just jump to day 4. Here are my credentials...

    1 Blog no one reads. CHECK
    2 Twitter account with 100 followers (because I RT the fuck out if much smarter peoples twits) CHECK
    3 I can spell Soshul Mediuh CHECK

    so as you can see, I think I can just skip to the Day 4 course! :)
  • Bravo!
  • Guest
    Bravo!
  • Lol! You use MyFace too?! :P
  • davelutz
    Chris, maybe you should start another blog under the persona "That Guy" offering tips to good to be true. Funny post! Thanks for the AM chuckle.
  • Great post Chris! Let's show our support by passing this along to all of the experts we encounter!

    Thanks

    John
  • Keep a timer handy so you don’t drown. <--already drowned and my kids haven't done their First Aid-CPR training yet.
    Maybe write an ebook on that point.
  • That does it. I'm going back to email blasts. At least I can be a Social Spam Expert.
  • Lol too funny, Chris. Your post is the type of sentiment that leads to snake oil salespeople. I made a blog! I Twittered! Pay me!
  • One suggestion - you need to mention SEO. A lot.
  • Day 5 and beyond: Write highly sarcastic daily posts on how to gain more twitter followers and how to be a social media expert and sit back and watch all the comments and tweets roll in. ; )
  • AWESOME post!
  • "Read voraciously." for sure. I couldn't count the number of articles I read daily, But it is all for knowledge
  • That's great! Thank you. Much easier than being a pirate.
  • Kathleen
    As an unapologetic language geek, I applaud you for correctly using "methods" instead of the more popular (but WRONG) "methodologies."

    That made my little heart go pitter-patter. It truly did.

    I've been toying with plans for a business and a blog; now I realize I've been taking the wrong approach. Forget strategy, a business model, or a USP - I'm going to implement this plan today! ;-)
  • Dare I say it? This one is even better than "Get More Twitter Followers TODAY" which I liked a whole lot. I think I know who may have touched this off for you but I never name names. Of course, there are hundreds (thousands?) who match that person, for sure. Is Brogan actually getting better? Will Twitter ever get better from yesterday? Will Facebook soon have more signups than there are people in the world? Stay tuned!
  • Wow, so true. I just saw this add in Entrepreneur magazine that about sent me off the deep end... http://www.thesociallatte.com/social-media-expe...

    The extra tips are great and so true. Oops, my timer just went off, gotta go!
  • Too funny Chris! How freaking many of these people are there in the world today?!
  • jennyonthespot
    heh heh... So full of wisdom, as usual... heh heh :)
  • mikejohansson
    Chris: This is spot on. You have a geat way of saying "The Emporer Has No Clothes" and my only hope is that all the naked "Social Media Experts" out there a.) catch cold and b.) "get this." Oh, and sorry for the "naked Social Media Expet" mental imagery - its my mental wedgie gift of the day! :-) - Mike Johansson, a Social Media not-Expert, @mikefixs
  • Chris - Glad to see you getting back to your good self. You were really getting kind of....corporate there for a while. We can get that from the WSJ. Sarcasm will get you everywhere!
  • Chris, your post is so on the mark. I know so many people who set up a Twitter account and suddenly think they are social media "experts." It is amazing. People just don't understand how long it takes to become really good at social media.

    I took a 10-week course offered by Australian Simon U. Ford to learn to use social media. It taught me what it takes to understand how social media works and what do to with it once you know how to use. It showed me how to link sites in a continuous campaign. I am constantly amazed by people who download a couple of videos and think they know what they are doing. Or instructors who promise to make people experts in a weekend. It ain't gonna happen.

    The other key - and I would recommend this to anyone thinking of taking a social media course - is make sure the instructor knows what he or she is doing. Ford sold thousands of copies of an E-Book using social media tactics. He has a very successful Australian events promotion company that uses social media almost exclusively. I took his course because he run successful social media campaigns. That's a key.

    Learning social media takes time and patience. Unfortunately, most people don't want to spend any time doing what it takes.
  • The sad truth is that this post is spot on.

    So many people get into this social media thing just to make money with no real commitment. Then they go sell the $27 ebook, get some suckers to buy it and never look back.

    I took Simon's course too and one thing I learned was to always add value. Most of these people are so busy taking value that they never get their heads out of their a$$es long enough to see that they look like idiots to the rest of us that know better.

    I got a good laugh from this post Chris, love everything you do, THANKS!
  • Chris-
    On the floor laughing - thanks for starting my day off with a smile. BTW your post about how to get twitter followers was very helpful.
  • Wow. Between this and the Get More Twitter Followers TODAY post, I simply don't know how I am going to spend all of this money. Thanks Chris, as always, for giving me a little laugh mid-morning.
  • Funny...and so true. But of course, your 4 day guide didn't anticipate that someone could come up with a THREE day guide! Reminds me of this scene from There's Something About Mary:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9mioHO4hoM
  • The only thing you left out was a phrase at the end of each paragraph that was a link and said "Learn the Secret of How to Do This" then the link would take you to a pay page where for just $49.95 you could get the e-book that revealed the rest of the story.
  • Chis,

    Awesome post, I was laughing so hard I almost missed the tips. I'm hoping others don't miss them, because they are the meat of what you share with us consistently and are at the core of what I believe as well.

    I constantly have clients contacting me because they read an article on Twitter or Facebook or "insert hot social media site name here"and now they MUST get an account and will I set it up for them. I stop them and say first I need to understand your business objectives and your goals for being on the site.

    This is just like the days of "I need to get a website" Too many businesses believe the hype and are diving in without understanding why they are diving in.

    Thanks

    Doug McIsaac
  • I'm going to hold out for your method on how to go from newbie to guru in four hours :)
  • Either I'm on post-surgery meds or you're being sarcastic..or... both! LOL. I love it. Thx for the serious laugh today.
  • Lucinda DeVries
    Does it count if my blog is still void of any writing at all? I plan on writing but I am working on the printing money portion. I decided just to skip step 1-4 all together!
  • loisgeller
    I want one of Bruce's aprons too. I think this is very funny. It just reminds me though of direct mail, when it was considered the "magic bullet". And, there were all kinds of people doing it, experts, and hucksters.
    As in direct marketing, it needs a strategy and that is the best part of what Chris is telling us here.
  • So adore you.

    I needed that laugh this morning! :)
  • Mr. Brogan,
    While I appreciate you shrinking the time it would take me (I mean, this friend of mine) to gain expert status from 10 days to only 4, I can't help but question why you even bothered with the blogging, or the bloated social network littered with ex-girlfriends and guys who used to bully me (I mean, this friend of mine) in junior high.

    Isn't Twitter all one needs? A Twitter account and a tweet scheduler (insert affiliate link here) that does the work while I (yes, actually it's me I'm talking about now) count da Benjamins!

    So I think with a sharper knife, you can cut this down to only 2 days. But an excellent effort all the same!
  • Read Voraciously:

    what are your recommendations for reading (books, blogs, magazines, webs) to really become a social media expert wanting to open his own business social media consulting firm?
  • Chris it seems that you are Commention on Leo of ZenHabbits and Darren of Problogger.
    Isn't it ?
  • BILLY MAYS HERE!!

    I appreciate the gentle mocking of people who claim to be Social Media Experts just because they looked up the meaning of SEO and SEM.

    As for me, well, Social Media Commando isn't a Social Media Expert...

    But I can Add up all the Change in your Purse Really Fast!
  • Nice one Chirs!

    Reminds me of something what Syndrome might say, something like "When everyone's a Social Media Expert, no one will be."
  • Ooopss! Sorry about the typo CHRIS. I need to proofread my posts more often.
  • Dang it! I spit Diet Coke all over myself. Friggin hysterical.

    I wonder if I can become a dry cleaner in 4 days...
  • Chris, you are the man!
  • If I have Hubspot, do I still need to have a Word press account along with my existing program? It seems llike too much work. thanks
  • If you have HubSpot, you can (and should!) use the HubSpot blog software. We use it for our own blog, and hundreds of HubSpot customers do the same thing because it is specifically built for a business blog. Anyone who already has a Wordpress blog can keep that and still use HubSpot if they like. HubSpot integrates with other websites/blogs.
  • Thanks Mike. I am new at the HUB, and loving every minute of it. You guys rock.. I am trying my best to be social, just hard to see what site or blog is best to use. I am in fitness as a personal trainer but i may start ansewering blogs in the political views since my market is mistly business people.
  • Batman
    Great stuff as always Chris. Not one thing that I could add, or disagree with....

    Well, maybe just one. You forgot to work in the phrase, “Follow Me On Twitter.” Clearly, a social media expert would know this key phrase to use to gain millions of followers in one day.
  • ha hA HA Hilarious! hoo hoO ;] too fnckin' funny ... i'm glad i went back in time and caught up w/ this one ...

    i apsolutely LOVE: You can just PRINT MONEY at this point! ... i mean, this will likely be the future for the US Treasury anyhow ... download and print your budget for the week ...

    AND

    of course

    i LOVED the MyFace reference ... i too have often tried to tittytwist the nomenclature for the new social web landScape of tools, tricks an' the like ... and besides MyFace, others that came up were SpaceBook, SpacedIn, FacedIn, FaceOut, FaceOff, Twatter, Pussederous, Bebo ( oh wait, that's real, grrrrrrr ... or NOT? ), SpaceIn, and the list could potentially go on ( but could be a bit too predictable ... ) ...

    Thanks for more social web amazingness ...
  • I is there any way to speed this process up? I'm a fast learner I could do the program in a day! Do I get a special avatar or certificate I could print out for myself?
  • Hadass Eviatar
    Gee, you sound just like some of the people who end up in my Spam folder. Well done, Chris ;-).
  • annewalshcoach
    Hi Chris, thanks for this post. Actually does Social Media Expert come in tablet form so I don't have to spend 4 days on it and if so where can I get it ? LOL But if you are seriously interested in taking the first steps to becoming an expert, Simon U. Ford has already given serious time and commitment to learning and teaching how to use social media and he has offered a huge amount of value...that's a major thing I have really learned from him. (kinda like you Chris!) He has already used social media techniques to sell thousands of copies of an excellent e-book (Social Traffic: Conversation marketing in a new media scape) and got Google Friend connect high up in Youtube rankings..he's one to watch.
  • Love it! Thanks for the laugh!
  • Awesome! Let's be friends and follow each other to the ends of the universe!
  • JonAndersonFan1025
    LOL! This is hilarious! I totally get what you're after here.

    On a more serious note...I don't believe for a minute that blogging is dead. Twitter's great for briefly announcing stuff you're doing in your home-based business (or to generally stay relevant in your chosen career, if you're over 40-something) and to just blurt out cool (even inspirational) thoughts that popped into your head but are so profoundly Zen that they don't need much elaboration.

    But blogging allows one the freedom to elaborate. Twitter does not. Twitter allows you only 140 chars. Blogging allows however many words your mind and soul requires to furnish the nitty-gritty details of one's latest ventures, deepest thoughts, etc. Blogging even gives you a platform if you desire to turn your thoughts into a hardcopy book and you want to be published by the Big Houses.

    Definitely lovin' the satire! As someone whose ancestors were very likely the bards of old who satirized crappy kings and chieftains, I say keep the sarcasm coming! :-D
  • Great post, great information.
  • socialmediaidiot
    An easy way to tell if you're a social media expert or idiot......

    http://www.slideshare.net/socialmediaidiot/an-e...
  • This whole post and all the comments are damn hilarious! You have a rockin community Chris :)
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