Be Sexier in Person

I loved this post.
I’m incredibly shy if I’m in a one on one or one on many situation, but really shine at events where other people are shy – the ‘mommy’ in me just kicks in and makes me blitz around supporting people.
And that’s my biggest tip – remember that you can be helpful without needing to even mention what you’re there for – I was a fresher in Uni last year and still ran around like a third year, just because I got oriented and settled very quickly – and because of that, I’ve got a lot of contacts in the faculty AND student body. They still remember me from then. Make yourself memorable. :)

@Rahaf – I just smile and tell them that we’re always looking for a change – how about we get to know one another a bit more and find some mutla benifit before worrying about ‘work’. And I say it with the biggest smile possible. People that keep going after that aren’t interested in networking – they’re interested in monopolising. And though I’ll still talk to them – I do mentally cross them off any plans I may have had – unless they say something that makes me want to change my mind.
I’m fairly fickle I guess.
Another thing that occurred to me – the best impression another person made on me was asking what I could bring to a situation, ideally. I’m a writer and blogger, so they got really enthusiastic when they heard that – when someone else said thier ‘ideal’ gift to a group was creative work with wood he excused himself, and went over to another group – there was someone there that was looking for a model maker to conceptualise something for him. I liked that he cared enough to pass that on, and was deliberately facilitating. He and work together regularly now, and I try to facilitate as often as I can. Again, its going back to the helpful without being self focussed. People WILL show an interest in others if they genuenly engage.

Chris – I wish you would have posted before the MarketingProfs conference in Boston this week. Then, I would have had the confidence to introduce myself to you, as I was there and am a fan of ours and always wanted to say hello. Now, I’m prepared for the next time. Good advice!

Great post – I am an inherently shy person, and although I’ve busted out of my shell in my adult years and now have much less issue with talking to “strangers”, speaking or performing in front of large groups, it’s always good to hear these litte reminders.

I’d also add that listening is just as important as talking. Be interested in the person you are talking to and make eye contact. Body language is important and if you are fidgeting or scanning the room for your next conversation then you are not making a connection with the person you are with.

Also, include others in the conversation. I go to a lot of networking events where the most popular or famous person in the room gets “cornered” by one or two people who monopolize his/her time for half the night. I call them “clingers”. Not fun for the famous person, and not fun for anyone else either. It’s okay to get into a good conversation with someone, but be sure to widen your circle and include others. Don’t be a “clinger”.

Oh – and good call on the breath. Can’t stress THAT enough!!!

My work colleagues (intelligent but often introverted shy IT geniuses) often say “they are not like me- they can’t do networking” so they often avoid going to events or talk to one another in the corner, and instead rely on me to reel in interesting folks because somehow, as a youngster, I have learnt to deal with “projecting confidence” in approaching strangers. I dont think I am naturally extroverted, but for me, this “jacket of confidence” is learnt….its just another form of what I call”learnt optimism” – refer Martin Seligman who coined the phrase. Another REALLY simple trick is to visualise confidence, stand in a body pose that represents confidence so you “grow” into that state, and then sail forth like a pro. Its always about sincerity- heart to heart connections, NOT collecting a bunch of business cards from the glamour set! People’s bs detectors can spot the crowdsurfer at a mile and no-one has time for them. Thats NOT networking, that’s social pollution!

This is a great post! I love meeting new people but I am painfully shy and constantly fight feeling awkward and unconfident. Next time my mind goes blank in a social situation, I will have to remember “Brogan’s Rules of Being Sexy.” The hardest part for me is telling myself I have something to offer the others in the room.

Dressing how you want to be percieved is so spot on. I changed (actually my wife changed) my style over the last couple years and it has greatly improved how I feel and my confidence level. She wanted me to stop being a wallflower and to stand out more. It works.

As always, Chris, you hit it over the big green wall. Thanks.

well since chris asked for pet peeves, i’ll share mine.

most people are just fine in social situations, even
the uncomfortable insecure ones. working in IT, we’ve
all seen the extreme introverts that seem uncomfortable.
at least they try.

what gets me? the opposite extreme. people who try so
hard to project a titan of wall street personae, that
they come off smarmy like a used car salesman. often,
they are crowd surfer types as well.

like prince says: “you don’t need to be rich, to be
my girl…”

the take away: just be yourself. there’s no need to
break yourself, trying to impress anyone.

Chris, good post, couple of points…

First, I can never say “goodbye” and I can never say “no”, and with that being said, I’m exceedingly nice to people who might be longwinded. So I had to do something.

Somehow, and I’m not sure how it happened, it may have just been some brutally honest twig that snapped in me, but interestingly enough seems to have spread virally amongst my friends and colleagues is this: When I have nothing else to say, I just say, “that’s all I got”. And the conversation ends right there, no harm no foul.. and we’re all satisfied, and we walk away. This generally covers phone conversations but…

What to do at the dinner party or conference? What seems to work is similar to what happens in some chat scenarios. I use the ole brb. So I’m talking and if I see the other person glazing over or vice versa, I just bust out the brb and it’s an acceptable out for both parties. It offers nothing more than a, “hey I’ll cya later”. Which is cool.

Lastly, the way I get out of the having to say goodbye is, what my friends and colleagues have called pulling a “Meyer”. Which infers this, “Where’s Meyer”? I don’t know, he was just here a second ago. At which point they all shrug their shoulders and life goes on. Meanwhile, I have slipped out, 15 minutes ago….

Lastly, Lastly, I agree, “what do you do” questions make me cringe. The answers certainly do not define the sum total of the individual that is truly inside all of us, it only defines what pays the bills. The interesting stuff, is what we find interesting, and what truly is our passion. I wonder what types of conversations we would have if we started it by asking what each others passions were…

I love the advice I’m getting from you here. Thank you. Believe me, we all need advice from time to time. I’m glad you’re here to give me your counsel.

One more HOT tip: When you *finally* get that “audience” with someone you’ve really wanted to talk to, meet, or (ick) pitch, fer chrissakes don’t be an ass to the people standing with them. Say hello, make eye contact, introduce yourself. 1) you really do not know who you are dealing with 2) you’ve probably interrupted their conversation with your “target” and 3) you look like a boor for doing it.

Chris — I love this post, and as I’m heading off to a networking event I’m going to hold them dear. It seems that we’re all carrying around so much “stuff” that we can’t always manage to make that all important human connection. I appreciate the reminder!

Best,
Peggie

Chris,

It was a pleasure swopping lies with you yesterday: please continue to share your insights on colonic irrigation when next we meet.

That you found it necessary to even write the above post underlines the sorry state of social interaction in the United States. It’s incredible that less than a generation ago, people had actual flesh-and-blood friends with whom they shared their lives and swoped stories.

For anyone interested in how our ability to communicate with our fellow man has become so debased over the past thirty years, an interesting place to start is the first 80 pages or so of Al Gore’s ‘The Assault On Reason’. In it, Gore provides a first-hand account on how we Americans went from oratory and spirited debate, to talking points and shout fests.

Has technology made us social retards? Discuss.

All the best,

Bill

Again with the comments providing as much value as the post :)

Good advice all around.
The bottom line is that confidence is sexy, and people are drawn to it. Basic psychology, confidence radiates power. My advice: if you don’t feel it, fake it. Just chill. No one will know -because some of them are fakers too…(Unless you go overboard) and the acceptance will perpetuate the myth of your confidence, and lead you to believe that you are, therefore feeling confindent in actuality.

We don’t realize how self conscious most people are yet mask it to project their successful aura.

Best way to make successful connections is to ask a lead-in question, and Listen. Draw the person out, and be interested. Too often, one can see impatience in a listener, as they wait for the talker to finish, so they can jump in and get to their agenda. Fail. People need to be heard, and to feel that their words have value.

The same goes with eye contact. Look into someone’s eyes when they talk, not just when *you* talk. Eye contact is totally under rated as a confidence powertool also.

On the Bad Breath note: total agreement. No matter how interesting, influential or terrific someone is, if I get a whiff of stink, they immediately drop value. Instant judgement. Bad.

On ending a droning monologue that is past its usefulness, -I will look beyond the person quickly, raise my eyebrows, nod and hold up a finger to the imaginary person, and tell the droner …oops, sorry, being paged…nice talking to you, bye.

Disclaimer: this does not work well if there is no one behind the person. Best done in crowded rooms.

Something I recommend to people who aren’t comfortable in ice-breaking situations is to have a few fun tidbits and short anecdotes ready to share. When I was an actor, we were always told to put something fun on the resume under “special skills.” I put “blood-curdling screams” and “hula-hoop while reciting the Gettysburg address.” They always got a chuckle and a question from the casting director, which usually opened up a nice, brief conversation about how unique I am.

So, what are your special skills?

It’s very helpful to switch from focusing on yourself to focusing on the other person. Instead of wanting to get in information about yourself, I think it’s better to establish rapport by getting the other person to talk about himself/herself. This happens by asking an appropriate (not rude) open-ended question that can’t be answered by a simple yes or no. If you get the other person talking about himself/herself, eventually you will be able to talk about yourself. And if you get interrupted before that time, you can always send a follow-up email saying how much you enjoyed speaking with the person — and then slip in something appropriate about yourself.

I’m an ambivert, which means im half introverted and half extroverted.

I would like to add to this conversation that PRACTICE helps, figuring out who one is and what one is about helps, and if things are not going as planned or the event is uncomfortable, one can also always leave early.

As for planning, you do want to pratice and plan out witty things to say, respond, etc. But dont overdo it, dont come off as robotic and rehearsed. Be casual, be cool, and be ready.

Fact is (some of us), are like Bates from the Bret Easton Ellis movie, American Physco, who are deeply and furiously hurt when someones business card is better looking than ours. That movie always makes me crack up, it is brutally honest.

We all want to shine and come across as “rock stars”. Just dont try too hard, let it flow.

Inspired words, Chris!

I would humbly add to your brilliance to *Listen* & *Ask Questions* They both make everyone feel integral to the conversation and engender camaraderie.

p.s. rockstar casual rules!

This post makes me infinitely grateful I was born bundled with optimal social skills. Thanks, Ma!

But really, isn’t all of this just basic social skills? I’ve always been much better in person than I am online. My “personal brand” has been developing over the last 27 years through life experience and interaction/adaptation to myriad social settings.

I think all this advice could boil down to “Get out more. Move out of your comfort zone. Talk to strangers. Rinse. Repeat.”

But the bottom line is, if you don’t know yourself or feel comfortable with who you are, the path to “sexy” could be a difficult one.

When it comes to women, if you get her talking about herself, she’ll listen for hours.

Chris,

I like the rockstar casual approach :). Do you think we can have a ranking system where we can score on the back of the cards of people we meet :

a) MIT : will be a millionaire in ten years
b) VC : Very creative person , his dreams will come true but don’t know about the money
c) NP : No problem – nice person
d) NCG: need to contact again

Just some random thoughts.

Shashi

Chris, what a lovely post!

Going through the comments, reveal how many feel “shy”, and incapable of starting a conversation, or even just introducing themselves.

I keep reminding myself to be always as Human and Compassionate as possible, not less!

:-)

Marianne
(Singapore)

Practice, practice, practice helps me at networking events. And, listening. If you listen, you can find a common thread that can keep the conversation going.

As far as the ‘how do I get out of this conversation’ goes, honest to goodness, my sister has used this on more than one occassion. When it’s time for her to move on and continue networking, she says ‘ta-da!’ and waves her hands. That’s what works for her. I usually wait for a lull in the converstation, tell the other person it was lovely meeting them and exchange contact info/cards. That gets easier with practice, too.

Breathe.

This is an awesome post! Great advice and well presented.

Hey Chris good info, but I hope you don’t go turning all of us geeks into sexy silver-tongued devils; not too sure I could keep that image up for long.

My pet peeve, which I’ve talked about on another post, is when you’re trying to ascertain just who or what you are talking to and the person says “I’m an entrepreneur.” This generally has zero utility in our conversation, because 99% of the people in the room are entrepreneurs of one stripe or another.

If that is your opener, fine, I’ll play along and wade thru the fluff. However, if that’s all you’ve got, you might as well say “I’m a resident of Earth”, it would give the same amount of guidance and would definitely be more memorable.

Also, if you’re looking for a job, as is mentioned by others in previous comments, it isn’t always the best lead-in to a conversation. So if someone asks what you’re working on, don’t say “Well, actually I’m unemployed”. Instead, mention some interesting volunteer project you’re involved with, or talk about something you blogged recently, or bring up your favorite charity, or pull out a photo of your bi-plane. Show that you have passion for something, briefly, then find out about theirs.