June 11, 2008 224 Comments

Be Sexier in Person

The next time you’re at a conference, and if you haven’t met me, I want you to try something. The rest of you who don’t intend to meet me, have already met me, or who just want to know what I’m getting at, stay tuned. Here’s the thing: you’ve gotta work on how you present yourself. There’s so much value inside you (okay, MOST of you). You’re really loaded with interesting things, and sure, maybe some of us have to pare down some of what we want to share, but let’s just look at this a moment together. You’ve gotta be sexier in person.

Disclaimer

None of this is meant towards any particular person that I’ve met in the last several years. Instead, it’s meant towards me, some of you, and some people I observe in social settings. If you’ve recently met me, I don’t mean you.

Confidence

If I stopped this post now, that’d be enough. If you don’t present yourself as confident, you’re already off on the wrong foot. It’s that simple. Why? Because I need to believe that you have value as you’re coming up to talk with me at the event. I have to feel that you’re pretty comfy with who you are as a person, and you’re looking to reach out and make new relationships to further develop your capabilities and ideas.

If you don’t have confidence right off, here are some tips: think about the three things that someone who’s really proud of who you are would say about you. Don’t tell ME these things, but have them in your mind. If you’re worried how the other person might receive you, stop. Instead, believe with all your heart that you deserve to be there, that you’re smart, that you are just as important.

And you know what? If the person you’re meeting you, after all that, STILL treats you like crap, then you smile politely, walk away, and flush that out of your head as fast as you can, because it’s definitely not you.

Be Brief

Here’s a spot where pretty much everybody could learn a lesson. I need reminders of this all the time. What happens is something like this: we make connection, we talk with someone we like, and we accidentally worry that the other person won’t know we’re smart, funny, useful, whatever. It’s almost like we’re drowning and we have to say everything, in case we never meet again.

Stay brief. Don’t ramble. Be confident that your small elevator pitch as to who you are, what you’re into, and why you’re happy to connect is enough. Believe with all your heart that you’ll have time to unpack what it is you need to say.

Finish Strong

Sometimes, everything goes great, but then people don’t know when to break off the conversation and go meet new folks. Why? Because maybe that’s all there was. If the person wants you to stay, they’ll usually give you indications of that. If they are all done with the conversation, and pay really close attention, they will give body language that says this. Truly. Just keep your eyes open, and you’ll get a sense of when to scram. Don’t scram earlier than that (unless you have to go). That’ll show a lack of confidence.

Some Bonus Round Material

A few more thoughts:

“What do you do?” isn’t as sexy a question as “what are you working on that’s fun?”
Yes, your breath matters.
Dress how you want to be perceived. (I dress in what I call “rockstar casual,” half because I like it, and half because I’m too broke to dress the way I might.
If you’re not sure what conversation is appropriate, practice with friends ahead of events and gatherings. (I say inappropriate things all the time).
Remember that there are still boundaries between what’s too personal and what’s not, and yet, please try to be human.
Remember that conversation is about more than one person. Breathe. Leave room.

What advice to you have? For me, for others? What have you noticed about your fears to meet others, or maybe we should talk about success stories and horror stories?

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http://myhomesweethomeonline.net Dawn @ My Home Sweet Home

I would love to see “rockstar casual” defined. :-) Great suggestions!
http://www.nipsad.com scott

One way of getting out of a conversation;

“I am sorry to interup, but I see someone that I have been meaning to catch up with and I do not want to miss the opportunity” and excuse yourself. You can invite the person to join you and they usually don’t.
http://www.nipsad.com scott

One way of getting out of a conversation;

“I am sorry to interup, but I see someone that I have been meaning to catch up with and I do not want to miss the opportunity” and excuse yourself. You can invite the person to join you and they usually don’t.
http://www.nipsad.com scott

One way of getting out of a conversation;

“I am sorry to interup, but I see someone that I have been meaning to catch up with and I do not want to miss the opportunity” and excuse yourself. You can invite the person to join you and they usually don’t.
http://showingoffmyassets.wordpress.com Amy Hoag

I think confidence is what is always the sexiest and most interesting to most people. I find that people are drawn to you if you just put yourself out there as your own best asset. Guess that is why I named my blog that … Showing Off My Ass-ets.
http://showingoffmyassets.wordpress.com Amy Hoag

I think confidence is what is always the sexiest and most interesting to most people. I find that people are drawn to you if you just put yourself out there as your own best asset. Guess that is why I named my blog that … Showing Off My Ass-ets.
http://showingoffmyassets.wordpress.com Amy Hoag

I think confidence is what is always the sexiest and most interesting to most people. I find that people are drawn to you if you just put yourself out there as your own best asset. Guess that is why I named my blog that … Showing Off My Ass-ets.
http://groovymag.com/latest Michael Kimsal

You could always watch this guy and do the opposite:

http://pl.youtube.com/watch?v=OXNwnulkPVQ
http://groovymag.com/latest Michael Kimsal

You could always watch this guy and do the opposite:

http://pl.youtube.com/watch?v=OXNwnulkPVQ
http://groovymag.com/latest Michael Kimsal

You could always watch this guy and do the opposite:

http://pl.youtube.com/watch?v=OXNwnulkPVQ
http://twitter.com/frenelda Andrea

How to get out of conversation:

1. when a pause in the diatribe permits… quickly summarize what it is they are saying,
2. thank them for the information,
3. offer intent to follow up/catch up more later etc.
4. handshake, nod, bump elbows or fists/chests, kiss cheeks, tip your hat whatever the setting/culture prefers
5. continue on with your life

Anything else is just plain rude and sends the wrong msg. Unless, of course, you have the guts for straight up honesty.

for example:
“hey, great talking to you i need a drink now because all you just said bored the pants off me”

“wow, i need to pee so bad… so i didn’t hear a word of your story because my bladder is so full from the beer i chugged after talking to that last boring person”

“hmmm, let me pretend I see someone I know, because an invisible person is better than continuing to talk to you”
http://twitter.com/frenelda Andrea

How to get out of conversation:

1. when a pause in the diatribe permits… quickly summarize what it is they are saying,
2. thank them for the information,
3. offer intent to follow up/catch up more later etc.
4. handshake, nod, bump elbows or fists/chests, kiss cheeks, tip your hat whatever the setting/culture prefers
5. continue on with your life

Anything else is just plain rude and sends the wrong msg. Unless, of course, you have the guts for straight up honesty.

for example:
“hey, great talking to you i need a drink now because all you just said bored the pants off me”

“wow, i need to pee so bad… so i didn’t hear a word of your story because my bladder is so full from the beer i chugged after talking to that last boring person”

“hmmm, let me pretend I see someone I know, because an invisible person is better than continuing to talk to you”
http://twitter.com/frenelda Andrea

How to get out of conversation:

1. when a pause in the diatribe permits… quickly summarize what it is they are saying,
2. thank them for the information,
3. offer intent to follow up/catch up more later etc.
4. handshake, nod, bump elbows or fists/chests, kiss cheeks, tip your hat whatever the setting/culture prefers
5. continue on with your life

Anything else is just plain rude and sends the wrong msg. Unless, of course, you have the guts for straight up honesty.

for example:
“hey, great talking to you i need a drink now because all you just said bored the pants off me”

“wow, i need to pee so bad… so i didn’t hear a word of your story because my bladder is so full from the beer i chugged after talking to that last boring person”

“hmmm, let me pretend I see someone I know, because an invisible person is better than continuing to talk to you”
http://ajanechambers.blogspot.com Jane Chambers

You mention the “elevator pitch.” It’s important to develop this pitch, practice it, and periodically revise it as you and your experiences grow and change. Also practice questions that replace “And what do you do?” so that you don’t have to think of one off the cuff.
http://ajanechambers.blogspot.com Jane Chambers

You mention the “elevator pitch.” It’s important to develop this pitch, practice it, and periodically revise it as you and your experiences grow and change. Also practice questions that replace “And what do you do?” so that you don’t have to think of one off the cuff.
http://ajanechambers.blogspot.com Jane Chambers

You mention the “elevator pitch.” It’s important to develop this pitch, practice it, and periodically revise it as you and your experiences grow and change. Also practice questions that replace “And what do you do?” so that you don’t have to think of one off the cuff.
http://twitter.com/tiffanyanderson Tiffany Anderson

Awesome post Chris! Talk about an issue that hits home with everyone!

I think you hit it right on about feeling/being sexy in person. It’s as simple as remembering how you feel when wearing your favorite outfit vs. something that’s uncomfortable or isn’t your first choice. When going to an event, wear what makes you feel good and powerful.

I think it’s very easy to sink into the unease of meeting new people, especially those “Internet celebrities” (not naming names! (^; ) on Twitter, Facebook, blogs, etc. The transparency of these tools allow people to see fan numbers, how many respond to posts, etc. It can be intimidating to meet these folks in person. What goes through my mind certainly is how the heck I could carry on a truly interesting conversation with someone who’s an industry influencer and is surrounded by brilliant people on a daily basis. Sometimes it feels as though the regular approaches just aren’t enough.

In general, I agree with Isle — listening is key, really listening, not just thinking about what you’re going to say next. I think people do like talking about themselves, especially when the other person is genuinely interested. Don’t worry if you aren’t able to fit something in about yourself — maybe save that for the follow up. (^:

Definitely a post to refer back to, thanks Chris!
http://twitter.com/tiffanyanderson Tiffany Anderson

Awesome post Chris! Talk about an issue that hits home with everyone!

I think you hit it right on about feeling/being sexy in person. It’s as simple as remembering how you feel when wearing your favorite outfit vs. something that’s uncomfortable or isn’t your first choice. When going to an event, wear what makes you feel good and powerful.

I think it’s very easy to sink into the unease of meeting new people, especially those “Internet celebrities” (not naming names! (^; ) on Twitter, Facebook, blogs, etc. The transparency of these tools allow people to see fan numbers, how many respond to posts, etc. It can be intimidating to meet these folks in person. What goes through my mind certainly is how the heck I could carry on a truly interesting conversation with someone who’s an industry influencer and is surrounded by brilliant people on a daily basis. Sometimes it feels as though the regular approaches just aren’t enough.

In general, I agree with Isle — listening is key, really listening, not just thinking about what you’re going to say next. I think people do like talking about themselves, especially when the other person is genuinely interested. Don’t worry if you aren’t able to fit something in about yourself — maybe save that for the follow up. (^:

Definitely a post to refer back to, thanks Chris!
http://twitter.com/tiffanyanderson Tiffany Anderson

Awesome post Chris! Talk about an issue that hits home with everyone!

I think you hit it right on about feeling/being sexy in person. It’s as simple as remembering how you feel when wearing your favorite outfit vs. something that’s uncomfortable or isn’t your first choice. When going to an event, wear what makes you feel good and powerful.

I think it’s very easy to sink into the unease of meeting new people, especially those “Internet celebrities” (not naming names! (^; ) on Twitter, Facebook, blogs, etc. The transparency of these tools allow people to see fan numbers, how many respond to posts, etc. It can be intimidating to meet these folks in person. What goes through my mind certainly is how the heck I could carry on a truly interesting conversation with someone who’s an industry influencer and is surrounded by brilliant people on a daily basis. Sometimes it feels as though the regular approaches just aren’t enough.

In general, I agree with Isle — listening is key, really listening, not just thinking about what you’re going to say next. I think people do like talking about themselves, especially when the other person is genuinely interested. Don’t worry if you aren’t able to fit something in about yourself — maybe save that for the follow up. (^:

Definitely a post to refer back to, thanks Chris!
http://sterlingpr.typepad.com/ Lisa Eskey

great advice. I’d throw in that information is power. If you know there’s a person you want to meet, find out what makes them a “person” (vs. a target) ahead of time (i.e. check out their profiles on LinkedIn, Facebook, twitter, recent blog posts, etc.). I never thought my sports PR career would connect so well to high-tech, but being able to chat about something other than job/career helps develop relationships that last more than just that first encounter.

thanks again for sharing your thoughts. Luh-ove all the other feedback/comments as well! – @eskeymo
http://sterlingpr.typepad.com/ Lisa Eskey

great advice. I’d throw in that information is power. If you know there’s a person you want to meet, find out what makes them a “person” (vs. a target) ahead of time (i.e. check out their profiles on LinkedIn, Facebook, twitter, recent blog posts, etc.). I never thought my sports PR career would connect so well to high-tech, but being able to chat about something other than job/career helps develop relationships that last more than just that first encounter.

thanks again for sharing your thoughts. Luh-ove all the other feedback/comments as well! – @eskeymo
http://sterlingpr.typepad.com/ Lisa Eskey

great advice. I’d throw in that information is power. If you know there’s a person you want to meet, find out what makes them a “person” (vs. a target) ahead of time (i.e. check out their profiles on LinkedIn, Facebook, twitter, recent blog posts, etc.). I never thought my sports PR career would connect so well to high-tech, but being able to chat about something other than job/career helps develop relationships that last more than just that first encounter.

thanks again for sharing your thoughts. Luh-ove all the other feedback/comments as well! – @eskeymo
http://www.lbaer.com Lori Baer

I think it also helps to remember that everybody feels the same and carries the same insecurities and apprehension; everybody is just trying to advance themselves and their businesses like you are. (doubters, just read this thread). If we lighten up and approach the situation giving others a break, perhaps we’re more likely to lighten up and give ourselves a break too…thereby freeing us up to be the confident, interesting…and sexy…people we know we are. Nice post, Chris.
http://www.lbaer.com Lori Baer

I think it also helps to remember that everybody feels the same and carries the same insecurities and apprehension; everybody is just trying to advance themselves and their businesses like you are. (doubters, just read this thread). If we lighten up and approach the situation giving others a break, perhaps we’re more likely to lighten up and give ourselves a break too…thereby freeing us up to be the confident, interesting…and sexy…people we know we are. Nice post, Chris.
http://www.lbaer.com Lori Baer

I think it also helps to remember that everybody feels the same and carries the same insecurities and apprehension; everybody is just trying to advance themselves and their businesses like you are. (doubters, just read this thread). If we lighten up and approach the situation giving others a break, perhaps we’re more likely to lighten up and give ourselves a break too…thereby freeing us up to be the confident, interesting…and sexy…people we know we are. Nice post, Chris.
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http://outdoormediaresources.com Sherry Kerr – Outdoor Media Re

Lots of helpful information here, including the comments! I’d add this: Before you approach someone, know your purpose and what you want to talk about. I work in the outdoor sports industry, and I regularly have people ask for appointments or approach me on the show floor, then stand there as if waiting for me to tap-dance. Awkward all around. If the purpose is simply to say hello, meet the person, and shake hands, that’s fine. Do that, make a moment of small talk if you wish, then move on. Don’t wait for them to entertain you.
http://outdoormediaresources.com Sherry Kerr – Outdoor Media Re

Lots of helpful information here, including the comments! I’d add this: Before you approach someone, know your purpose and what you want to talk about. I work in the outdoor sports industry, and I regularly have people ask for appointments or approach me on the show floor, then stand there as if waiting for me to tap-dance. Awkward all around. If the purpose is simply to say hello, meet the person, and shake hands, that’s fine. Do that, make a moment of small talk if you wish, then move on. Don’t wait for them to entertain you.
http://outdoormediaresources.com Sherry Kerr – Outdoor Media Resources

Lots of helpful information here, including the comments! I’d add this: Before you approach someone, know your purpose and what you want to talk about. I work in the outdoor sports industry, and I regularly have people ask for appointments or approach me on the show floor, then stand there as if waiting for me to tap-dance. Awkward all around. If the purpose is simply to say hello, meet the person, and shake hands, that’s fine. Do that, make a moment of small talk if you wish, then move on. Don’t wait for them to entertain you.
http://www.origamiconsulting.it axelle brown-videau

To answer your question, how to peel out of conversations when you’re done and the other person is not? I look discretly around and try to find somebody I could introduce the person I am talking to.
http://www.origamiconsulting.it axelle brown-videau

To answer your question, how to peel out of conversations when you’re done and the other person is not? I look discretly around and try to find somebody I could introduce the person I am talking to.
http://www.origamiconsulting.it axelle brown-videau

To answer your question, how to peel out of conversations when you’re done and the other person is not? I look discretly around and try to find somebody I could introduce the person I am talking to.
http://ww.peoplelogic.com.au Poochee

Do what aussies do:

Being sexy: have a beer

End a conversation: Yell out ‘hey’, and walk away

How to maintain a conversation: keep asking questions about the other person, make them feel sexy.

Burp.
http://ww.peoplelogic.com.au Poochee

Do what aussies do:

Being sexy: have a beer

End a conversation: Yell out ‘hey’, and walk away

How to maintain a conversation: keep asking questions about the other person, make them feel sexy.

Burp.
http://ww.peoplelogic.com.au Poochee

Do what aussies do:

Being sexy: have a beer

End a conversation: Yell out ‘hey’, and walk away

How to maintain a conversation: keep asking questions about the other person, make them feel sexy.

Burp.
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http://bigrobby.com Big Robby

Fun article. Something tells me the “Breath Matters” is directed to either someone in particular, or several people. I see why you put the disclaimer. Good stuff as usual.
http://bigrobby.com Big Robby

Fun article. Something tells me the “Breath Matters” is directed to either someone in particular, or several people. I see why you put the disclaimer. Good stuff as usual.
http://bigrobby.com Big Robby

Fun article. Something tells me the “Breath Matters” is directed to either someone in particular, or several people. I see why you put the disclaimer. Good stuff as usual.
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http://www.brendondavid.com/ Brendon David

So thrilled you wrote this post. Breath mints, unlike cologne, can never graduate to the “offensive” classification. You're breath can never be so fresh that it offends others, but your cologne and perfume can.
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http://www.promenadespeakers.com/ Mike T

Chris,

All excellent points. For some people, face to face comes naturally. For others, simply practicing face to face by going to a variety of events (not just in your industry) and seeking out conversation will build confidence. For many, too much time electronically communicating detracts from live personal skills. Reading a person's body language, listening to their tone and content are quite different than replying to an e-communication. There's no replacement for just getting out there and approaching people.
http://www.promenadespeakers.com/ Mike T

Chris,

All excellent points. For some people, face to face comes naturally. For others, simply practicing face to face by going to a variety of events (not just in your industry) and seeking out conversation will build confidence. For many, too much time electronically communicating detracts from live personal skills. Reading a person's body language, listening to their tone and content are quite different than replying to an e-communication. There's no replacement for just getting out there and approaching people.
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Tommyismyname

Confidence goes a long way when it comes to face to face.

I'll admit that lately I'm one of the people Mike T is talking about who has been spending too much time communicating online.

Eye Contact, Active listening skills, some repetition, and owning your own work are some other points you can add here too.
http://www.contechrestoration.com/concreterestoration EmilyHaughey

Chris – I just found this post when I did a search for personal branding and social media. What a nice surprise that this was the first result. I'm going to SXSWi for the first time and this is great advice to keep in mind when I'm there. Thanks.
Brenda Thompson

Really glad I stumbled on this the day before SXSW starts! Now I'm looking forward more than ever to running into you.