July 9, 2007 128 Comments

Considering Social Network Etiquette

Christopher S. Penn says of me, “We take Chris everywhere twice. The second time is to apologize.” The joke is that I have a certain kind of personality that often gets misinterpreted, especially in the digital format, and in so doing, I tend to upset various online communities through some slip of etiquette. I’ve come to accept this, and in most cases, I’ve made efforts to improve my lot.

A friend told me about a situation on Twitter where someone took the time to send my friend a direct message (akin to writing a digital personal note), but that the message basically said, “You’re not a bad person, but I’m not interested in what you Twitter.” (My paraphrase). My friend was upset by the gesture, and felt that it seemed unusually cruel to make extra effort to announce that this person was leaving the party. I said that I felt it was a matter of not understanding the norms of Twitter, and that’s what got me thinking about this.

YOU Are In On This

This is an open post. The idea is to post comments about social etiquette, and to think about this together. I want to start something here, grow it with you, and then put something out. So, let’s start. You jump right in, with questions to be answered, comments, whatever you want.

And in the mean time, I’ll write out some online social network etiquette questions and answers of my own that you can answer differently, if you don’t like my idea, or that you can take as a guide. Here are some Q&A starters:

If I decide I don’t like someone’s Twitters, how do I leave?
I believe in Twitter, it’s polite to just leave the user without sending a message. Don’t use direct messages to “break up with” the person you’re following. Especially if you haven’t had DM conversations before.

Is it okay to dump my mail inbox into Facebook and invite everyone?
Sure. But consider what message you’re sending out to all those folks, especially if your inbox has mixed business/personal use. You might consider manually adding people if your mailbox import contains lots of people you DON’T want to have join a service.

Someone added me as a friend on Pownce, but I don’t know them. Do I add them back?
Depends. My practice is to add everyone, and only remove doofuses. It depends on your stalker fears, your need for intimate connections versus crowd patterns. How do YOU want to use the service?

I hate all the @ conversations in Twitter. Can’t people just use Direct Messages?
People use @username because it’s easier, because it allows others to follow a conversation, and because with the new Replies tab (in Twitter), it makes following a conversation easier. It’s the social norm there now.

I can’t stand those zombie bites and food fight apps on Facebook.
Don’t play along, if you don’t want. It sends the message of how you want to use the app. Don’t feel that this is a ‘when in Rome’ situation. Use the networking tool the way you want to use it.

Someone asked me to forward an introduction on LinkedIN, but I’m not all that comfortable doing it.
If you know the person making the request reasonably well, consider sending an email to discuss this. There are some subtleties in passing a request along, such that the end recipient judges YOU alongside the original requester. If you feel your reputation might be somehow tarnished by this request, give it some thought. But then, why are you linked to someone you don’t feel comfortable introducing to others?

I’m getting creepy private messages from a new “friend” on Facebook. Should I drop him?
My theory of weirdos is simple. Drop them quietly, softly, and without fanfare. If there’s a way to let them stay friends on a service, but remove their ability to see your updates, cool. If not, drop them quietly.

YOUR THOUGHTS

Let’s open this up to you. What else can we add to the post? Updated Q&A will go up into the main post as I find gems to add to the piece. Thanks!

Photo credit, caseywest

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  • http://www.readoralive.com/ UJ

    My reply is long.

    http://urlant.com/2yfbm7

  • http://www.superflippy.net/opinion Susanna

    On Twitter, which tends to be more casual and voyeuristic, I don’t ask fans how I know them – I just assume they are a FOAF or saw my tweets on the public timeline.

    On something like Facebook or MySpace, I would ask where I know the person from, not to be confrontational but to put their profile in context. And when I make a friend request on Facebook, MySpace, or LinkedIn, I always try to let that person know how I know them if I think there might be any question. It’s a courtesy that saves them wondering who I am and makes it easier for them to decide whether to friend me or not.

  • http://www.superflippy.net/opinion Susanna

    On Twitter, which tends to be more casual and voyeuristic, I don’t ask fans how I know them – I just assume they are a FOAF or saw my tweets on the public timeline.

    On something like Facebook or MySpace, I would ask where I know the person from, not to be confrontational but to put their profile in context. And when I make a friend request on Facebook, MySpace, or LinkedIn, I always try to let that person know how I know them if I think there might be any question. It’s a courtesy that saves them wondering who I am and makes it easier for them to decide whether to friend me or not.

  • http://www.superflippy.net/opinion Susanna

    On Twitter, which tends to be more casual and voyeuristic, I don’t ask fans how I know them – I just assume they are a FOAF or saw my tweets on the public timeline.

    On something like Facebook or MySpace, I would ask where I know the person from, not to be confrontational but to put their profile in context. And when I make a friend request on Facebook, MySpace, or LinkedIn, I always try to let that person know how I know them if I think there might be any question. It’s a courtesy that saves them wondering who I am and makes it easier for them to decide whether to friend me or not.

  • http://www.superflippy.net/opinion Susanna

    On Twitter, which tends to be more casual and voyeuristic, I don’t ask fans how I know them – I just assume they are a FOAF or saw my tweets on the public timeline.

    On something like Facebook or MySpace, I would ask where I know the person from, not to be confrontational but to put their profile in context. And when I make a friend request on Facebook, MySpace, or LinkedIn, I always try to let that person know how I know them if I think there might be any question. It’s a courtesy that saves them wondering who I am and makes it easier for them to decide whether to friend me or not.

  • http://twitter.com/danieljohnsonjr Daniel Johnson, Jr.

    As an early adopter of Twitter, I used to get uptight when I saw the proliferation of ‘@’ messages. Now I get it.

    My purpose in using Twitter has changed over the months since I started using it. I now use it to participate in conversation, let others know what’s going on with me, point to content too large on Twitter, and make/keep in touch with friends.

    I’ve especially enjoyed finding people in my own geographic area through TwitDir.com, and I hope that I can connect through other online means and even meet up with more friends locally in person.

    I’ve decided to use Twitter and other social networks to for relationship-building and personal branding, so knowing how to “take the pulse” of the current climate of a social network is something of value.

  • http://twitter.com/danieljohnsonjr Daniel Johnson, Jr.

    As an early adopter of Twitter, I used to get uptight when I saw the proliferation of ‘@’ messages. Now I get it.

    My purpose in using Twitter has changed over the months since I started using it. I now use it to participate in conversation, let others know what’s going on with me, point to content too large on Twitter, and make/keep in touch with friends.

    I’ve especially enjoyed finding people in my own geographic area through TwitDir.com, and I hope that I can connect through other online means and even meet up with more friends locally in person.

    I’ve decided to use Twitter and other social networks to for relationship-building and personal branding, so knowing how to “take the pulse” of the current climate of a social network is something of value.

  • http://twitter.com/danieljohnsonjr Daniel Johnson, Jr.

    As an early adopter of Twitter, I used to get uptight when I saw the proliferation of ‘@’ messages. Now I get it.

    My purpose in using Twitter has changed over the months since I started using it. I now use it to participate in conversation, let others know what’s going on with me, point to content too large on Twitter, and make/keep in touch with friends.

    I’ve especially enjoyed finding people in my own geographic area through TwitDir.com, and I hope that I can connect through other online means and even meet up with more friends locally in person.

    I’ve decided to use Twitter and other social networks to for relationship-building and personal branding, so knowing how to “take the pulse” of the current climate of a social network is something of value.

  • http://www.twitter.com/misc jesse

    Another question: what should be the rule about replying to @’s & DM’s? Is it rude not to acknowledge these?

  • http://www.twitter.com/misc jesse

    Another question: what should be the rule about replying to @’s & DM’s? Is it rude not to acknowledge these?

  • http://www.twitter.com/misc jesse

    Another question: what should be the rule about replying to @’s & DM’s? Is it rude not to acknowledge these?

  • http://twitter.com/danieljohnsonjr Daniel Johnson, Jr.

    As an early adopter of Twitter, I used to get uptight when I saw the proliferation of ‘@’ messages. Now I get it.

    My purpose in using Twitter has changed over the months since I started using it. I now use it to participate in conversation, let others know what’s going on with me, point to content too large on Twitter, and make/keep in touch with friends.

    I’ve especially enjoyed finding people in my own geographic area through TwitDir.com, and I hope that I can connect through other online means and even meet up with more friends locally in person.

    I’ve decided to use Twitter and other social networks to for relationship-building and personal branding, so knowing how to “take the pulse” of the current climate of a social network is something of value.

  • http://www.twitter.com/misc jesse

    Another question: what should be the rule about replying to @’s & DM’s? Is it rude not to acknowledge these?

  • http://www.twitter.com/mincedmedia Kim M. Bayne

    Excellent points, Chris. I especially enjoyed your 21st Century approach to “Dear John” letters ala Twitter.

    BTW, I liked your post so much, I linked to it from the Twitter Fan Wiki.

    http://twitter.pbwiki.com/Twitter-Etiquette

  • http://www.twitter.com/mincedmedia Kim M. Bayne

    Excellent points, Chris. I especially enjoyed your 21st Century approach to “Dear John” letters ala Twitter.

    BTW, I liked your post so much, I linked to it from the Twitter Fan Wiki.

    http://twitter.pbwiki.com/Twitter-Etiquette

  • http://www.twitter.com/mincedmedia Kim M. Bayne

    Excellent points, Chris. I especially enjoyed your 21st Century approach to “Dear John” letters ala Twitter.

    BTW, I liked your post so much, I linked to it from the Twitter Fan Wiki.

    http://twitter.pbwiki.com/Twitter-Etiquette

  • http://www.twitter.com/mincedmedia Kim M. Bayne

    Excellent points, Chris. I especially enjoyed your 21st Century approach to “Dear John” letters ala Twitter.

    BTW, I liked your post so much, I linked to it from the Twitter Fan Wiki.

    http://twitter.pbwiki.com/Twitter-Etiquette

  • http://andycast.net AndyCast Andy

    Chris,

    You always write such great stuff.
    Twitter, for me, is as much a creative outlet as podcasting is. A chance for me to participate in a way that’s most comfortable as an ongoing conversation. I’ve intentionally “misused” the @’s in tweets to let others find the people I find interesting. It’s not always about playing by the given rules. Are we nothing more than sheep? All these different sites are tools in our arsenal for social behavior…isn’t that what we all strive for..to make connections with people.

    As for stalkers, they will always exist, some people are just more needy of attention for any number of reasons, but the best way is as you say Chris, drop them quietly with no fanfare. As Whitney implies, it’s just as easy to be kind as it is to be mean…I doubt many of the a-holes are reading your blog…

    Thanks for this Chris. You have an excellent way of sharing.

    Andy Bilodeau
    http://andycast.net

  • http://andycast.net AndyCast Andy

    Chris,

    You always write such great stuff.
    Twitter, for me, is as much a creative outlet as podcasting is. A chance for me to participate in a way that’s most comfortable as an ongoing conversation. I’ve intentionally “misused” the @’s in tweets to let others find the people I find interesting. It’s not always about playing by the given rules. Are we nothing more than sheep? All these different sites are tools in our arsenal for social behavior…isn’t that what we all strive for..to make connections with people.

    As for stalkers, they will always exist, some people are just more needy of attention for any number of reasons, but the best way is as you say Chris, drop them quietly with no fanfare. As Whitney implies, it’s just as easy to be kind as it is to be mean…I doubt many of the a-holes are reading your blog…

    Thanks for this Chris. You have an excellent way of sharing.

    Andy Bilodeau
    http://andycast.net

  • http://andycast.net AndyCast Andy

    Chris,

    You always write such great stuff.
    Twitter, for me, is as much a creative outlet as podcasting is. A chance for me to participate in a way that’s most comfortable as an ongoing conversation. I’ve intentionally “misused” the @’s in tweets to let others find the people I find interesting. It’s not always about playing by the given rules. Are we nothing more than sheep? All these different sites are tools in our arsenal for social behavior…isn’t that what we all strive for..to make connections with people.

    As for stalkers, they will always exist, some people are just more needy of attention for any number of reasons, but the best way is as you say Chris, drop them quietly with no fanfare. As Whitney implies, it’s just as easy to be kind as it is to be mean…I doubt many of the a-holes are reading your blog…

    Thanks for this Chris. You have an excellent way of sharing.

    Andy Bilodeau
    http://andycast.net

  • http://andycast.net AndyCast Andy

    Chris,

    You always write such great stuff.
    Twitter, for me, is as much a creative outlet as podcasting is. A chance for me to participate in a way that’s most comfortable as an ongoing conversation. I’ve intentionally “misused” the @’s in tweets to let others find the people I find interesting. It’s not always about playing by the given rules. Are we nothing more than sheep? All these different sites are tools in our arsenal for social behavior…isn’t that what we all strive for..to make connections with people.

    As for stalkers, they will always exist, some people are just more needy of attention for any number of reasons, but the best way is as you say Chris, drop them quietly with no fanfare. As Whitney implies, it’s just as easy to be kind as it is to be mean…I doubt many of the a-holes are reading your blog…

    Thanks for this Chris. You have an excellent way of sharing.

    Andy Bilodeau
    http://andycast.net

  • Sam Grant

    Hi Chris, great post and thanks for all the super tweets too.

    Twitter is becoming useful in so many ways – as news feeder, friends connector, ideas distributor, discussion starter, opinion gatherer – and best of all, a cumulative ‘social sixth sense’, as expressed by Clive Thompson in Wired magazine (thanks to Neville Hobson for tweeting about this great article): http://www.wired.com/techbiz/media/magazine/15-07/st_thompson

    In terms of etiquette, I’m finding it increasingly helpful when people use the same avatar image on various social networking sites. It’s just easier to identify/locate them each time.

  • Sam Grant

    Hi Chris, great post and thanks for all the super tweets too.

    Twitter is becoming useful in so many ways – as news feeder, friends connector, ideas distributor, discussion starter, opinion gatherer – and best of all, a cumulative ‘social sixth sense’, as expressed by Clive Thompson in Wired magazine (thanks to Neville Hobson for tweeting about this great article): http://www.wired.com/techbiz/media/magazine/15-07/st_thompson

    In terms of etiquette, I’m finding it increasingly helpful when people use the same avatar image on various social networking sites. It’s just easier to identify/locate them each time.

  • Sam Grant

    Hi Chris, great post and thanks for all the super tweets too.

    Twitter is becoming useful in so many ways – as news feeder, friends connector, ideas distributor, discussion starter, opinion gatherer – and best of all, a cumulative ‘social sixth sense’, as expressed by Clive Thompson in Wired magazine (thanks to Neville Hobson for tweeting about this great article): http://www.wired.com/techbiz/media/magazine/15-07/st_thompson

    In terms of etiquette, I’m finding it increasingly helpful when people use the same avatar image on various social networking sites. It’s just easier to identify/locate them each time.

  • Sam Grant

    Hi Chris, great post and thanks for all the super tweets too.

    Twitter is becoming useful in so many ways – as news feeder, friends connector, ideas distributor, discussion starter, opinion gatherer – and best of all, a cumulative ‘social sixth sense’, as expressed by Clive Thompson in Wired magazine (thanks to Neville Hobson for tweeting about this great article): http://www.wired.com/techbiz/media/magazine/15-07/st_thompson

    In terms of etiquette, I’m finding it increasingly helpful when people use the same avatar image on various social networking sites. It’s just easier to identify/locate them each time.

  • http://www.ziki.com/people/cathleenrittereiser Cathleen Rittereiser

    Chris,

    Thanks for taking the lead and using your non-bully pulpit to open up the conversation about this topic, especially since it would be almost impossible to actually discuss on Twitter. I agree with the majority of your suggestions and those from commenters.
    I do not sense any Alexander Haig, “I’m in charge here” attitude. In my mind, you have taken the lead on getting the community talking and acting so many times, you ARE the person that can bring up a sensitive topic in a thoughtful way. You’re not roping off the sandbox, you’re just suggesting a better way to play. That’s fair.
    Keep being a force for good.

  • http://www.ziki.com/people/cathleenrittereiser Cathleen Rittereiser

    Chris,

    Thanks for taking the lead and using your non-bully pulpit to open up the conversation about this topic, especially since it would be almost impossible to actually discuss on Twitter. I agree with the majority of your suggestions and those from commenters.
    I do not sense any Alexander Haig, “I’m in charge here” attitude. In my mind, you have taken the lead on getting the community talking and acting so many times, you ARE the person that can bring up a sensitive topic in a thoughtful way. You’re not roping off the sandbox, you’re just suggesting a better way to play. That’s fair.
    Keep being a force for good.

  • http://www.ziki.com/people/cathleenrittereiser Cathleen Rittereiser

    Chris,

    Thanks for taking the lead and using your non-bully pulpit to open up the conversation about this topic, especially since it would be almost impossible to actually discuss on Twitter. I agree with the majority of your suggestions and those from commenters.
    I do not sense any Alexander Haig, “I’m in charge here” attitude. In my mind, you have taken the lead on getting the community talking and acting so many times, you ARE the person that can bring up a sensitive topic in a thoughtful way. You’re not roping off the sandbox, you’re just suggesting a better way to play. That’s fair.
    Keep being a force for good.

  • http://www.ziki.com/people/cathleenrittereiser Cathleen Rittereiser

    Chris,

    Thanks for taking the lead and using your non-bully pulpit to open up the conversation about this topic, especially since it would be almost impossible to actually discuss on Twitter. I agree with the majority of your suggestions and those from commenters.
    I do not sense any Alexander Haig, “I’m in charge here” attitude. In my mind, you have taken the lead on getting the community talking and acting so many times, you ARE the person that can bring up a sensitive topic in a thoughtful way. You’re not roping off the sandbox, you’re just suggesting a better way to play. That’s fair.
    Keep being a force for good.

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  • Ally

    My question is, what is the etiquette with friends and friends of friends? I have a female friend who has added all of my other friends (a large percentage of whom she has only met in passing, once) onto her MySpace and Facebook. I find it unnerving when she sends them comments like ‘I miss you so much’ considering she only met the person once…it was to the point where I had made plans with a friend and she got annoyed that she wasn’t included – even though she only met the other person a handful of times. It’s very annoying and I feel crowded and like I don’t have my own space anymore. How to I tell her to back off my friends and give me some space, without having to delete her or quit MySpace/Facebook?

  • Ally

    My question is, what is the etiquette with friends and friends of friends? I have a female friend who has added all of my other friends (a large percentage of whom she has only met in passing, once) onto her MySpace and Facebook. I find it unnerving when she sends them comments like ‘I miss you so much’ considering she only met the person once…it was to the point where I had made plans with a friend and she got annoyed that she wasn’t included – even though she only met the other person a handful of times. It’s very annoying and I feel crowded and like I don’t have my own space anymore. How to I tell her to back off my friends and give me some space, without having to delete her or quit MySpace/Facebook?

  • Ally

    My question is, what is the etiquette with friends and friends of friends? I have a female friend who has added all of my other friends (a large percentage of whom she has only met in passing, once) onto her MySpace and Facebook. I find it unnerving when she sends them comments like ‘I miss you so much’ considering she only met the person once…it was to the point where I had made plans with a friend and she got annoyed that she wasn’t included – even though she only met the other person a handful of times. It’s very annoying and I feel crowded and like I don’t have my own space anymore. How to I tell her to back off my friends and give me some space, without having to delete her or quit MySpace/Facebook?

  • Ally

    My question is, what is the etiquette with friends and friends of friends? I have a female friend who has added all of my other friends (a large percentage of whom she has only met in passing, once) onto her MySpace and Facebook. I find it unnerving when she sends them comments like ‘I miss you so much’ considering she only met the person once…it was to the point where I had made plans with a friend and she got annoyed that she wasn’t included – even though she only met the other person a handful of times. It’s very annoying and I feel crowded and like I don’t have my own space anymore. How to I tell her to back off my friends and give me some space, without having to delete her or quit MySpace/Facebook?

  • http://www.chrisbrogan.com chrisbrogan

    Let me make sure I get it, Ally: someone you know added YOUR friends, and she’s really only connected to them through you. Right? And she’s met them maybe once ever in real life.

    And now, on MySpace/FB whatever, she’s giving them all kinds of smooches and things?

    My thought is this: You didn’t facilitate them getting to know each other (the way LinkedIN requires someone to pass on an invite). And so you’re not exactly responsible for her behavior.

    That just might be her version of being cordial. No worries. If your friends hit you with comments or mail saying she’s weird, agree. Say, “Yep, that’s just how Jezabel does what she does.”

    No harm. No foul. Now, on LINKEDIN, that’s different. Over there, it’s your dumb fault for connecting them. Be VERY wary of your reputation there, because over there, it WAS your choice to connect those two.

    Make sense?

  • http://www.chrisbrogan.com chrisbrogan

    Let me make sure I get it, Ally: someone you know added YOUR friends, and she’s really only connected to them through you. Right? And she’s met them maybe once ever in real life.

    And now, on MySpace/FB whatever, she’s giving them all kinds of smooches and things?

    My thought is this: You didn’t facilitate them getting to know each other (the way LinkedIN requires someone to pass on an invite). And so you’re not exactly responsible for her behavior.

    That just might be her version of being cordial. No worries. If your friends hit you with comments or mail saying she’s weird, agree. Say, “Yep, that’s just how Jezabel does what she does.”

    No harm. No foul. Now, on LINKEDIN, that’s different. Over there, it’s your dumb fault for connecting them. Be VERY wary of your reputation there, because over there, it WAS your choice to connect those two.

    Make sense?

  • http://www.chrisbrogan.com chrisbrogan

    Let me make sure I get it, Ally: someone you know added YOUR friends, and she’s really only connected to them through you. Right? And she’s met them maybe once ever in real life.

    And now, on MySpace/FB whatever, she’s giving them all kinds of smooches and things?

    My thought is this: You didn’t facilitate them getting to know each other (the way LinkedIN requires someone to pass on an invite). And so you’re not exactly responsible for her behavior.

    That just might be her version of being cordial. No worries. If your friends hit you with comments or mail saying she’s weird, agree. Say, “Yep, that’s just how Jezabel does what she does.”

    No harm. No foul. Now, on LINKEDIN, that’s different. Over there, it’s your dumb fault for connecting them. Be VERY wary of your reputation there, because over there, it WAS your choice to connect those two.

    Make sense?

  • http://www.chrisbrogan.com chrisbrogan

    Let me make sure I get it, Ally: someone you know added YOUR friends, and she’s really only connected to them through you. Right? And she’s met them maybe once ever in real life.

    And now, on MySpace/FB whatever, she’s giving them all kinds of smooches and things?

    My thought is this: You didn’t facilitate them getting to know each other (the way LinkedIN requires someone to pass on an invite). And so you’re not exactly responsible for her behavior.

    That just might be her version of being cordial. No worries. If your friends hit you with comments or mail saying she’s weird, agree. Say, “Yep, that’s just how Jezabel does what she does.”

    No harm. No foul. Now, on LINKEDIN, that’s different. Over there, it’s your dumb fault for connecting them. Be VERY wary of your reputation there, because over there, it WAS your choice to connect those two.

    Make sense?

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  • Pete

    My own feelings are you are not responsible for this

  • Pete

    My own feelings are you are not responsible for this

  • Pete

    My own feelings are you are not responsible for this

  • http://http://www.businessservicesuk.com Pete

    My own feelings are you are not responsible for this

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  • http://www.RonelleCoburn.com Ronelle Coburn

    Thanks for being the Dear Abby for social networking!

    I googled to try and find twitter etiquette guidelines to see what I can find about someone who is in your network who is twittering too much (17 times in an hour) about nothing (blow-by-blow of the Emmy’s) and knocking everyone else’s twitter off the screen! Was hoping to find a link to an etiquette article which addresses this and twitter it so said person would get the hint without my openly offending them.

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