August 12, 2009 133 Comments

Friending and Reputation

Chris Brogan at PodCamp Boston 4 You walk into a room full of people. Your first action, if you’re like most of us, is to scan the faces for someone you know. Barring that, you’ll walk towards whoever seems friendliest, or you’ll find a quiet space and observe. Imagine now that someone you know enters the room. Your eyes light up, and you probably smile involuntarily.

Now here’s the thing: if this person knows most of these people in the room, he or she suddenly has an equation to work out FAST: should he or she introduce you, and if so, how will he or she do so? What’s the appropriate level of social capital that will become exchanged in the process? Does he or she endorse you, or just know you?

This is difficult in the face-to-face world, but it’s even harder online.

Let’s look at LinkedIn: officially, the service suggests that you have a strong professional relationship with everyone you connect with on the service. I disagree. I’m a promiscuous connector. I invite people to connect with me on LinkedIn via Twitter all the time. The reason is this: I don’t consider friending (the act of adding a connection to you on a social network) the same as endorsement.

How I’m Managing This

I like to friend with people on social networks. I don’t consider these connections as automatic endorsement. Instead, I feel like a phone company employee, threading up new connections, building new dialtone, so that you can reach out to me in different ways.

On services like LinkedIn, I will connect with anyone, but I will only write recommendations for people whose professional work I can vouch for myself in some capacity. To me, this is a matter of how much of my reputation I’m willing to extend to the other person.

During a recent conversation, someone said to me, “I just follow who you follow on Twitter.” I said, “Oh no! That’s not necessarily a good idea. For a long time, I used a tool to follow back anyone who followed me, because it was easier than manually parsing through the multiple requests.” The person didn’t realize that a “friending” or “following” did not equal an endorsement of that person. Or at least, that’s not my interpretation.

How YOU Might Interpret Friending, Endorsement, and Reputation

First, don’t get caught up on the term “friend.” It’s just what the software calls the connection between two people. Most reasonable humans realize that the word doesn’t exactly mean the same thing as it does in the face-to-face world. And let’s just use the word “friend” to mean “connect with people on a social platform” and accept that there are somewhat different terms on all the networks.

Now, some ideas:

  • Friend people you find interesting.
  • Friend your customers.
  • Friend your prospects.
  • Friend your competitors (why not?)
  • Search for friends based on interest (easy on Twitter, by using Twitter Search.
  • Unfriend spammers.
  • Unfriend folks who bother you.
  • Unfriend people who talk too much if they’re swamping your stream. (I swamp people often.)

Endorsement and Reputation

Your reputation is one of the biggest assets you have, especially in this online space. Endorsing someone in any fashion is a withdrawal from your own reputational store with others. Meaning, if you vouch for someone and that person turns out to be not as respectable or reliable or civil as you originally thought, and this is all experienced by others in your various circles, your reputation (potentially) takes a hit for the other person’s efforts.

If the person you recommend turns out to be a stellar performer who really delivers for the people you referred her to, then your reputation for being a connector adds interest back into your account.

Gambling in the online reputation space is not a good recommendation.

So, what happens when someone who you list as a “friend” seeks out a recommendation or endorsement?

  • Thank them for asking.
  • Write a very brief and simple note that explains your position on referrals and endorsements.
  • Sample: I’m very thankful that you connected for a recommendation, and I appreciate the opportunity. I have some very tight rules about who I recommend online, and I just don’t feel comfortable endorsing you, as I don’t know enough about your work history or your reliability. You’re probably amazing, but I can’t provide my recommendation at this time. I’m sorry.
  • If they press for more, it’s your choice whether you want to open up and provide constructive feedback, or whether you want to simply restate your statements above.

Your Take

I’m curious what experiences you’ve had with this, and what it means to you, this whole friend situation.

Has your mileage varied? Do you have any questions from examples that have happened to you or a friend?

Let’s open this up and talk about it.

Photo credit C.C. Chapman

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  • jeremymeyers

    While I agree that there's a (frankly, ridiculous, but human and understandable) challenge in the “exchange of social capital” of choosing who to say hello to first when entering a crowded room (especially if you are someone that is well known to people in the space), the 'everyone is watching you' aspect of this is also a great opportunity to be a person. Say hi to whoever you haven't seen in awhile, whoever YOU smile involuntarily when they enter a room. People are more understanding then you may think. Not everyone can be “the first person who gets to shake hands with xyz” and it doesn't have to be an anointment of power.

    The decision to shake someone's hand or give them a hug authentically and coming from a place of genuine happiness to see the person, with disregard for 'whoever may be watching and judging,' is a much better lesson for people to learn from you than any 'well, who do I choose to go over to first, who will benefit most from other people seeing me shake their hand'.

    I know that wearing the 'social media celebrity' hat is something that you (and others) often struggle with, and I totally would have the same concerns if I was in your place, reputation-wise. It's a difficult cross to bear, and getting to hang with you a bit over the weekend did honestly change my perception of who Chris the person is vs. Chris the oft-quoted, frequently revered “celebrity”.

    Anyway, to address your online friending policy, this conversation is happening on Amber's blog as well, but I think LinkedIn especially suffers from indiscriminate connection. The value that LinkedIn brings, their actual explicit value proposition is to replace the problem of “i need to talk to someone at xyz company, but I don't know anyone there. Maybe someone I know has a connection, but I have no way of figuring that out short of blasting out an email to everyone I know”. Indiscriminate LinkedIn connection breaks that network effect, or at the very least decreases the quality of the network's ability to connect people via single-connection trusted sources (i trust you, and you trust this guy trying to connect with me, so therefore i will allow the connection”)

    Remember SixDegrees? The big social network prior to Friendster was dedicated to 'how many different ways am i connected to people'. They basically were broken by people who decided to friend everyone and therefore render the connection data meaningless.

    Just my $.02

  • http://jumphigherfaster.blogspot.com/ How to jump higher

    Thanks for the great post. I'm just a beginner to Social Media but understand the concept and it definitely makes sense to only endorse certain individuals that you can vouches for to a certain extent. I agree with you 100% there. I have given social media a shot but for some reason haven't really had success with it. I guess I will have to read your blog more often to get caught up with all of the trends. But your reputation as being a trusted source is an “easy to understand” concept and I am trying to do that with my affiliate marketing efforts. The only problem is that in some cases it's difficult to promote products that are good for the end user when so many other factors are out of line such as; Great product, ok price, horrible landing page etc.. But I think you get the Idea. In any event thanks for such an informative post. I'll be back again to checkout your updates.

  • christianjacobsen

    Ari, I think you have tapped into a deeper idea here, and I would like to expand on it…

    If you befriend everyone who ever asks, then those connections are meaningless. Your “network” has no value to me, so I won't look at it.

    On the other hand, people who only connect with people they can vouch for will – by the simple act of friending them – add value to the relationship. My sister does this with her network, and she is an inveterate networker. If you see someone listed as a “friend” of my sister, that means that she knows this person and can vouch for them. That means something.

    Therefore, simply looking at her list of friends is like my own personal high-quality yellow pages. Need a copywriter? Check my sister's network. There's Chris Haddad. Call him. No need to even think about it, or sort through tens (hundreds?) of nobodies.

    As the digital representation of ourselves grows online, scarcity will define value. Do I want to see 12,000 mediocre photos in your Flickr stream? Absolutely not. And, I will tune you out because the signal-to-noise ratio is too low. But if you only post outstanding photos – be it 10 or 100 – I'll look at every single one of them. High signal, low noise.

    When people start looking at their Networks like this, then “Your Network” will become valuable. Right now, there is no way for me to get any meaningful content from someone who has 1,000 people in their network, so it is just more noise on the internet to me.

    (I do see value in Chris' befriending everyone and weeding out the bad ones later, but that makes his network only of value to HIM. That list has only marginal value to me, and I am going to have to dig hard and use corroborating sources to find the gems in there.)

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  • http://www.divinewisdomatwork.com/ Tricia Molloy

    Your definition of “Friend” made me look at social media in a whole new light and gives me a lot for options. Thanks!

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  • dawntrenee

    I really agree with you idea of what a “friend” is and that it is not an endorsement from me. An endorsement from me would come in the form of a RT on Twitter or an actual reference on LinkedIn.

  • http://www.singledadlife.com BarryK

    Good timing for me for this post. I am growing my network and connections and it can be a bit overwhelming with so many “experts” around.

    Seems simple enough. Friends are just connections. You meet at the party or function, exchange business cards and add to your rolodex (following,friends, whatever you call it). Recommendations or referrals, that is a different story. Now I am putting my reputation on the line. Just like in brick and mortar world, I will only provide if I know you well or have had a good business experience. Just good common sense,

  • http://www.ianbrodie.com ianbrodie

    Chris,

    I'd agree with you that “friending” doesn't imply endorsement.

    But connecting with someone on Linkedin does more than that. It makes all yoru connections visible to them.

    If they're not someone you trust, that could open up your connections to a bunch of spam.

    Many people are open networkers on linkedin in order to be helpful to lots of people and be a hub for connections – and that's great.

    But others are open networkers to give themselves a giant rolodex of names (via searching through their network) they can then reach out to to try to sell to in one sense or another. I don't really want to expose my contacts to these folks.

    Rgds

    Ian

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  • http://chrisbrogan.com Chris Brogan

    I'd never really thought of that. They can see full contact details, or just that I'm connected to someone?

  • http://chrisbrogan.com Chris Brogan

    The next to last part holds the trick. I can connect to tens of thousands but if I can't actively cultivate those relationships, I'm doomed.

  • http://chrisbrogan.com Chris Brogan

    What makes LinkedIn more personal to you, Miguel. When you buy a new car, do you start a personal relationship or a sales relationship? If you seek a new office manager, do you ask them about their children and their favorite food, or do you learn about their work history and their aspirations?

    To me, LinkedIn isn't personal: it's business.

  • http://chrisbrogan.com Chris Brogan

    You're always good to me, William. Thank you. : )

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  • http://www.jeremymeyers.com/ jeremymeyers

    They can see a flat who you're connected to, but they'd still need to go through you (or someone else who knows them) in order to connect directly. It just beings them one hop closer, linkedin-wise.

  • marymcd

    Hey Chris,
    Thanks for explaining this so well – I too also treat LinkedIn a bit differently than other soc media sites – espec. since I use LI purely for business (no social updates).

    I'm what Liz Ryan calls a 'careful connector' – I only connect to folks I know, or those who I share a strong common business interest with (someone in my field, typically).
    I've had folks ask me to endorse them, and have sent back a similar message as the one you've posted. Since I'm careful in connection, if I get a request from someone I don't know, I'll politely ask them how we know each other. Most folks don't even bother to write back… but I always like to ask as they'll say, “I saw your keynote speech and we chatted after about sustainability” or something like that… oh yeah! I know who you are now!

    Thanks for posting so often – it's a gift!

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  • http://paulpapadimitriou.com Paul Papadimitriou

    The act of “friending” has finally a lot to do with noise to signal. Your post sums the debate really well.
    In my experience, I've seen that this act has a different meaning depending on the platform I was on. While I always try to separate the connection from the technology platform, people won't see the act similarly on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter (when there's reciprocal follow), FriendFeed, Xing, Plurk and Friendster (last two are still very big in South East Asia, where I reside).
    This is common sense to many of us who read your blog, obviously.

    My point is, however, that the line between endorsement and friending varies on a person-by-person case: while I consider that endorsement comes with a LinkedIn recommendation or a clear fully-disclosed blog entry (for instance), I've seen that some people will consider a Twitter follow as an endorsement.

    It's not a big deal if it stops there, it can be however slightly different when these same people start bragging about “knowing” you and how a few @replies become testimonials for their benefit.

    The key in a social web where everyone understandably has his/her own rules is consistency. I believe that if one's consistent with the way he/she endorses people, even if strategies change over time (let's say, opening up your network on LinkedIn v. keeping it only for people you've been collaborating with), misunderstandings can be mostly avoided.

    Thanks again for your blog entry, was a great read.

  • http://richardxthripp.thripp.com/ Richard X. Thripp

    I consider adding someone as a friend an endorsement of their authority, content, and respectability. The only social network I use regularly is Twitter, and my ratio of followers to following is 15 to 1. Most of the people who friend me I do not friend back, and most of the people I follow do not follow me. They may be quite popular and not know me, but I follow them because I enjoy their tweets and endorse their work. It's not a “me too” thing. You guys who friend everyone ruin the whole friend system for all us legitimate networkers.

  • http://www.kherize5.com Suzanne Vara

    Chris

    I agree with you with respect to “friend” and call it more a term. It a term that is used and does not truly reflect what traditionally a friend is. LinkedIn, FB, Twitter, etc are tools to introduce yourself to those who may find interest in what you have to say. They are tools to help you grow your bag of resources, share knowledge, gain knowledge, promote a book, a blog, a business and sometimes do create a personal friendship.

    With respect to the recommendations. I feel that those asking for one are not really in tune with social media. If you are heavily involved as you are, people would not have to ask you, you would automatically give a recommendation (maybe not on what they consider their timeline). You understand the importance of giving that nod to the person and saying how much you admire their work. Hypothetically speaking, if you asked me for a recommendation, It would be so incredibly generic. I have never met you, I have never seen you speak, I read your blog, follow you on twitter and am connected to you on LinkedIn and know that you got backlash for taking your kids to McDonalds. Any friends, family, clients, etc that I feel would benefit from your blog or book I tell them about you – not because you asked me to, but because I feel you would add value to them. It would be funny to see the responses if you did open it up and ask for recommendations on LinkedIn.

    People who really get social media understand that it is a community that shares information and develops relationships based upon this information. Asking someone like yourself to recommend them is quite self serving so they can say that CB has recommended me. As far as twitter, you posting a link to a blog is an endorsement. It shows that you have read it and are taking the time to shorten the url and post it. Breaking down the time that it took you to read it, to react, to want to post it, is endorsement enough.

    Social media is becoming celebrity-esque. Someone meeting a celebrity they take a pic and show it off to all their friends. Social media is showing off that a highly involved and recoginzed person is their friend and being able to say I asked for an recommendation from them. Completely missing the point of social media and its offerings.

    That is my take.

    Suzanne Vara/@Lvadgal

  • http://shannonehlers.com/ Shannon Ehlers

    Always impressive to meet a man who will describe himself as promiscuous. :) In writing, no less.

    This is a great post and great question. Nice that you asked everyone's opinion while also putting forth your own.

    Despite being a member of a certain so-called 'open networker' group on LinkedIn, I like to know or at least know of the person I am “friending”. One pet peeve, by the way, is nouns inappropriately used as verbs (“antiquing” also comes to mind).

    For recommendations, I generally will recommend people on the basis of this pre-existing relationship. It cuts out a lot of the score-keeping that would be necessary if I were strictly “promiscuous” on social networks.

    On the other side of the coin, I think it is important not to bog down your connections with too much expectation for recommendations and/or introductions. The whole social networking phenomenon has really just hit its stride in the last decade or so – at least in its current form.

    Give it some time to mature and we may see more people adopting these communication techniques. As we become more comfortable with working in this way, perhaps a natural set of conventional wisdom will evolve around this.

  • http://www.marketlikeachick.com Coree

    I tend to look at Linked In a little different than other social networks. I have more friends on other networks, but on Linked In I keep it more trimmed down to people on a more professional level.

    When it comes to recommendations I learned a lesson the hard way. I had a coworker that worked with me at my last job. He was later let go, started his own business then asked me for a recommendation on Linked In. I did, and nearly started another business with him…until I found out he was using my credit card and my name to promote his other work. Wish I could take the recommendation back now. Lesson learned.

  • http://www.utahj.com/ Jared

    I've never considered friending to be an endorsement at all. I look at it as a networking opportunity. If I endorse someone I write a testimonial and or link to them from my web site.

  • jonathan_rivera

    I've been social networking for a couple of years and up until now I had been a promiscuous friender.

    Because of that habit I have developed a number of “friends” that are inactive and sometimes annoying. I've decided that I am going to rebuild my social networks with quality in mind.

    The way I see it, if a pare down my networks to a core group who are active and engaged I will enjoy my social networking a whole lot more. My goal is to be excited to see what's going on in my home feed of any social network.

  • jonathan_rivera

    I'm with you Coree, I save my Linked In contacts to people I have actually done business with. I see it as my online professional Rolodex.

  • http://academics.uky.edu/UGE/IAS/MyDay Randolph Hollingsworth

    Hey, Chris, your posts are always so helpful and terrific to share with folks who need more clarification on all this social technologies stuff. Listen, if friend can be a verb… how about fan? I am fanning you.

  • RussRave

    Hi Chris,
    I enjoyed reading this post as it raised so points that I'd been mulling over even though I haven't had any direct requests for endorsements from “friends” or followers. I think the strongest point you made here which I took special note of is the fact that the online space/forum is not a place where one should go playing Russian roulette with one's reputation. I was also a little surprised to hear that you accept connection requests at Linked in perhaps as freely as Facebook or Twitter,- that's a new perspective for me to consider especially if it's working for you.

  • http://rolandhesz.com Roland Hesz

    I agree with being a friend does not mean automatic endorsement.
    If I kept myself to the LinkedIn rule I would have had about 5 contacts for the first year – not many of my coworkers were on LinkedIn back then, or were interested in it at all.
    Plus, I would be poorer for a few good friends I met on LinkedIn.
    However, when it comes to recommendations, I keep it strictly for people I have worked with.

    It is funny, but I have a much stricter “follow rule” on twitter, as I found that when I follow over 200 people, Twitter becomes useless, a stream of meaningless broadcasts – I don't have time to keep track of what's going on with that many people.

  • http://robert.morrison.name PragueBob

    I am glad to see that you haven't succumbed to the belief many people now seem to hold that you can't follow a lot of people “meaningfully”. I have absolutely no problem with my 65,000 mutual contacts on Twitter, because I didn't “auto-follow” any of them and I never (even when it was only 100 and not 65,000) tried to follow every tweet, nor do I think this is important to do. In fact, this new vogue of not following many people is a lie perpetrated first by the Twitter founders because their technology is so lousy they don't WANT you to follow many people, and second by people who realized way too late that they should NEVER have auto-followed anyone, because that's a sure-fired way of filling your stream with spam and other nonsense. Occasionally I un-follow someone in my stream for tweeting spam or other nonsense, but this is more like picking small pieces of lint off a dark suit, I have a nice interesting stream even with 65,000 and when I refresh my page (I only use the web client) I always find something interesting.

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  • http://techwag.com/ Dan

    This is one of the things I have been talking about a lot, the idea of who you friend and under what circumstances and platform. I am very conservative (in comparison to others that I know) about “friending someone”. I do believe that you are tarred and feathered with the reputation of others by association. So I tend to write few endorsements, and friend few people.

  • http://www.ianbrodie.com ianbrodie

    Well, they'd have to go through you if they use Linkedin (unless they pay for the premium version – in which case they can send a message directly).

    But many people use Linkedin to find a connection – but use other methods to contact with that person. For example, a recruiter describes his approach on Ford Harding's blog here: http://www.hardingco.com/blog/2009/05/20/intere…

    Essentially he uses Linkedin to find names and profiles (the company they work for, their job title, etc). He can get those details of your connections just by being connected to you – he doesn't need to go through you.

    He then uses the info to cold call the company – but because he knows the name & some details, he can get through their screening policies. For example, if the company has a “no names” policy (i.e. if you call asking for the head of marketing they won't put you through or tell you who it is). But when he calls he gets through because he's scraped the details of your contacts via your connection with him.

    Now you might say “good luck to him” – he's being quite ingenious with the way he's got round the company's rules. But those rules are there for a reason – they're their to protect people from endless unwanted calls from salespeople.

    And unlike the situation where he's bought a list of names from a list broker, I bet he doesn't screen those names vs the relevant “do not call” legislation.

    So for me, that's the risk with connecting with open networkers. Since I don't know them, or the people they're connected to, I run the risk of my contacts being subjected to cold calls or other spam. Not through Linkedin itself – but through other routes powered by using the info taken from Linkedin.

    You could even argue that in the future, if more and more people do this, then people will have to take their profiles off Linkedin to prevent being cold called or spammed.

    Ian

  • catherinewhite

    A connection a relationship doth not make

  • zenaweist

    After your follow/friending/reco question to @skydiver at #ase09, I was hoping you would write up your take. Thank you!

  • mooshinindy

    So THIS is why you're a big deal.
    I don't speak geek and yet I I'm sitting here enthralled.
    Nice job Chris B. Rogan.

  • http://secondthoughts.typepad.com Prokofy

    You are a friendship whore, a glad-hander, a fake, and it devalues true connection and meaning. You are merely taking old-media values of push-media and a passive, voiceless audience and grafting it on to new media. So many of you in your geek club do that (Scoble, the Gilmor Gang).

    Then, you write this sort of tripe, “Unfriend folks who bother you.” Bother you? Because…they criticize you? For things like blurring the line between journalism and public relations for firms by tweeting for everybody to come to the Pepsi booth and making a mash-up of your own public-relations work and pretending you also “report on tech” and become “authoritative source”? This is all crap. You should never be follow-blocking someone who isn't a spammer or a prostitute or hustler of ad links under the guise of being an SEO guro because…you need to hear some feedback in your geek bubble. Desperately.

  • jordankettner

    Pretty interesting article. This is something that I have always been conscious about. I try to keep personal contacts on Facebook, Professional contacts on LinkedIn and all of my conversations on Twitter. Just like Jerry Seinfeld – I like to keep my worlds apart. I don't want the worlds to collide…

  • ryanmilani

    I think the idea of “swamping” is very important (Twitter). It allows for diversity in your stream, unless you read all your tweets.

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  • http://www.mojo2go.us/ Judy | mojo2Go

    Hi Prokofy …
    When I first saw this post come through I was a bit surprised at the brassy tone, but then I realized 'how cool it is that we have a forum to disagree'. Giving opposing views, hopefully in a civil tone, gives all readers the ability to consider an alternate view. Thanks

  • http://secondthoughts.typepad.com Prokofy

    If you value the, uh, “coolness” of having a forum to disagree, then you'll have to back off from the notion that some people with their ideas of what is “civil” get to dictate what it is through bans, warnings, blocks, mutes, voting down, and all the other suppressive tools of social media.

    Such incivility in the tools themselves, and squadrons of net nannies ready to tell their fellow netizens what to do, demand incivility, like all civil disobedience in the history of the U.S., for example. Freedoms are worth fighting for.

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  • http://www.mojo2go.us/ Judy | mojo2Go

    My comment was not to provoke, and if that was the result, my apologies. Point in fact, I agree with what it is you're saying, to a certain extent. Though my freedoms and fights stop short of anarchy.

    Something is only of value when you put value on it. And yes it is, uh 'cool' in that you voiced the contempt for the original post, and not only did you find no value in it, you thought it BS. I thought otherwise overall. To me it had value, in part. We are both given the opportunity to share the platform that put those words out there. And I still do think that pretty cool.

  • http://www.roshinimedia.com/ Roshini Rajkumar

    Great advice. I wish I had access to your comments before I started getting into Twitter and LinkedIn. I agree that your reputation is the most important thing you've got. When someone is referred to me by someone in my network, I always want to do the best I can in order to make the person who referred me look good. I realize not everyone is as careful, so I also recommend you really think through your own referral policy. For example, I have a business associate who is a nice person but not as professional as I know my clients or business friends would like. As much as this person wants me to refer business, I can't do it until I see more polish. My only addition to your terrific advice is that no one can “make” you friend them or refer them. If you have a bad gut feeling, don't go there.

  • http://www.netwitsthinktank.com frank barry

    I get most requests for recommendations from people I work with. So, I know these people. My struggle is when I don't have anything nice to say. Sometimes people are not self aware.

    Anyone have thoughts on how to respond to someone when you have worked with them, but you don't feel giving your endorsement of them would be a smart decision?

    http://twitter.com/franswaa

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