November 27, 2010 144 Comments

How To Say No

No

I have the hardest time saying no. Lots of people do. It’s one of those things we do to foil up our lives quite often. Why? Because we hate to disappoint. Because we think it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Because we want to say yes and be more positive. There are lots of things that thwart us from saying no.

Personally, I’m an avoider. That’s even worse. Because I don’t do well at just saying, “You know, this isn’t going to work.” But that’s changed. It’s come from some recent changes in my perspective, in my priorities, in my realization of what I’ll have to do to find success (and my definition of success, swiped from Tony Robbins, is that success is making continual improvements in my environment).

Saying no is hard. Here’s my current best advice on saying no. I’d love yours in the comment section.

Say No

First, be very clear and polite. Start with a thank-you.

Thank you for thinking of me. I’m going to have to pass.

The problem with the above is that the person will almost always ask why. Let’s do this, instead.

Thank you for thinking of me. I’m going to have to pass. My workload and priorities are such that I can’t add this project to my schedule.

And Then

My very best advice for next steps is to refer. If ever you can, refer. When I can’t speak at an event due to a schedule problem or something, I do my best to refer the opportunity to someone else. When I can’t review someone’s website, I refer them to Third Tribe Marketing. The more I can help others by sharing the things I can’t help with, the more I can grow a network of people who get more opportunities from my being able to pass them along.

The Pushy Person

Often, you’ll get someone who pushes back. “What do you mean you can’t do it? It’s only 20 minutes.”

This is where I have a hard time. Because they’re right. It is only 20 minutes. The problem is that three of these requests is an hour. 12 of these requests is four hours. They add up really quickly.

My best piece of advice here is to repeat. Again, thank you. It’s great that you feel so passionately about me participating. I am so backed up with other priorities that I just can’t commit to this and deliver you success. I’m very likely to stumble or not complete this. I’d rather say no now than say ‘I’m sorry’ later.

What Should You Say No TO?

My friend, Brian Clark had this great thought on this onstage at PubCon the other week. He said, “I ask whether the project will help my existing community. If not, I really have to consider it.” That’s one way to do it, especially if you’re already working with a focused community. It’s not useful to me because I work across several communities.

Instead, I’ve built little “ecosystem maps” and I ask whether the project will help any part of the larger ecosystem, and then whether I should do it or if I should refer it. Often times, B is the better answer, but sometimes, things can’t be transferred. So, I just look at my map. And whatever I can’t say yes to, I share with others.

And Questions?

How can I help you with this? What else can we talk about? When is it MOST difficult for you to say no?

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  • http://doesthislookgoodonme.wordpress.com Sueanne Shirzay

    My standard line is ” I hate to say no, but I just have too many deadlines and commitments right now. Please ask me next time, I hope my answer will be yes. “

  • http://doesthislookgoodonme.wordpress.com Sueanne Shirzay

    My standard line is ” I hate to say no, but I just have too many deadlines and commitments right now. Please ask me next time, I hope my answer will be yes. “

  • Bryan V

    Nice pithy post, Chris. The more I get along in this social stuff it’s becoming the most critical word in my vocabulary. And as just noted by Wendy Swanson from Seattle Children’s, toddlers may be alot smarter than we take them for ; ) (No, no, no…)

  • Bryan V

    Nice pithy post, Chris. The more I get along in this social stuff it’s becoming the most critical word in my vocabulary. And as just noted by Wendy Swanson from Seattle Children’s, toddlers may be alot smarter than we take them for ; ) (No, no, no…)

  • Bryan V

    Nice pithy post, Chris. The more I get along in this social stuff it’s becoming the most critical word in my vocabulary. And as just noted by Wendy Swanson from Seattle Children’s, toddlers may be alot smarter than we take them for ; ) (No, no, no…)

  • http://bheretoday.com Beth W

    Hi Chris,

    I have learned that “No” is a complete sentence, although it’s still hard for me to say. I’m a people-pleasing, I-can-do-that, everybody-assumes-I’m-gonna-do-it-anyway person from way back. And that behavior is killing me.

    So I say “No” like this: “I believe in keeping commitments but sometimes I over-commit and I’m in one of those times now. I don’t want to start this project (or whatever) and have to bail on you; that would put us both in a tight spot. I would much rather be truthful with you up front and help you find someone else as equally qualified for your request.”

    Great post, by the way.

    • http://biketoworkbarb.blogspot.com/ Barb Chamberlain

      I’m an over-committer too and this is similar to my response, which is along the lines of “I can’t give this the attention you and I both know it deserves and if I can’t do my best I won’t add it to my list.”

      What’s sad is when people say they’d be just as happy with a half-assed effort, as if that would be less of a hassle. Oh really? Trying to use only part of my brain isn’t actually any easier. I owe all of it to those other folks to whom I already said yes.

      As I’ve gotten older I’ve gotten much better at saying no. I’m not so old that I hear the tolling of the bell, mind you–I think it’s just that I have a better sense of who I am and the worth of what I do. I don’t need another belt notch to feel good about my capabilities and I’m not trying to build a resume. Maybe “no” comes more easily with age and experience.

      @BarbChamberlain

    • http://biketoworkbarb.blogspot.com/ Barb Chamberlain

      I’m an over-committer too and this is similar to my response, which is along the lines of “I can’t give this the attention you and I both know it deserves and if I can’t do my best I won’t add it to my list.”

      What’s sad is when people say they’d be just as happy with a half-assed effort, as if that would be less of a hassle. Oh really? Trying to use only part of my brain isn’t actually any easier. I owe all of it to those other folks to whom I already said yes.

      As I’ve gotten older I’ve gotten much better at saying no. I’m not so old that I hear the tolling of the bell, mind you–I think it’s just that I have a better sense of who I am and the worth of what I do. I don’t need another belt notch to feel good about my capabilities and I’m not trying to build a resume. Maybe “no” comes more easily with age and experience.

      @BarbChamberlain

    • http://biketoworkbarb.blogspot.com/ Barb Chamberlain

      I’m an over-committer too and this is similar to my response, which is along the lines of “I can’t give this the attention you and I both know it deserves and if I can’t do my best I won’t add it to my list.”

      What’s sad is when people say they’d be just as happy with a half-assed effort, as if that would be less of a hassle. Oh really? Trying to use only part of my brain isn’t actually any easier. I owe all of it to those other folks to whom I already said yes.

      As I’ve gotten older I’ve gotten much better at saying no. I’m not so old that I hear the tolling of the bell, mind you–I think it’s just that I have a better sense of who I am and the worth of what I do. I don’t need another belt notch to feel good about my capabilities and I’m not trying to build a resume. Maybe “no” comes more easily with age and experience.

      @BarbChamberlain

  • http://radsmarts.com Robin Dickinson

    STRATEGY IS WHAT YOU SAY NO TO

    YES is the lazy way. You may get the feelgood in the beginning. The ego stroke. But YES is not a strategy. Strategy is what you say NO to. It takes real thinking, prioritization, aligned values and resources – and courage. Anyone can say YES to everything. It’s the pathway to poverty and exhaustion. Real leadership has a strong, confident NO.

    NO gets easier with practice, especially as you get to experience the fantastic benefits of a strong NO. It makes your YES far more valuable. My NO is simple. “NO thanks, that doesn’t work for me right now. But thanks for thinking of me.” No further explanation needed. None given.

    Best,

    @Robin_Dickinson

    • http://scottgould.me/ Scott Gould

      Preach it Robin :-)

  • http://johnhawkinsunrated.com/ John Hawkins

    Referrals are definitely key for us. Currently we are getting more work requests than we can handle. I’m a big fan of PhraseExpress software and have a keyboard shortcut that writes out a quick “I’m sorry we can’t help you, but here are a handful of other developers we know and trust”. Trust me, both the client and the people we refer business to really appreciate it. And for me, it takes less than a minute.

  • http://johnhawkinsunrated.com/ John Hawkins

    Referrals are definitely key for us. Currently we are getting more work requests than we can handle. I’m a big fan of PhraseExpress software and have a keyboard shortcut that writes out a quick “I’m sorry we can’t help you, but here are a handful of other developers we know and trust”. Trust me, both the client and the people we refer business to really appreciate it. And for me, it takes less than a minute.

  • http://johnhawkinsunrated.com/ John Hawkins

    Referrals are definitely key for us. Currently we are getting more work requests than we can handle. I’m a big fan of PhraseExpress software and have a keyboard shortcut that writes out a quick “I’m sorry we can’t help you, but here are a handful of other developers we know and trust”. Trust me, both the client and the people we refer business to really appreciate it. And for me, it takes less than a minute.

  • Amanda Miller Littlejohn

    Great advice, thanks so much Chris. I just had a conversation with someone
    regarding scope creep. I think that if business people can say no early on in their projects that would eliminate the need for having uncomfortable conversations later.

    Amanda
    @amandamogul

  • http://megsaid.blogspot.com MegSaid

    I have developed a few solid responses to requests that previously challenged me quite a bit. Each of these is the honest truth, also, so I can say them with conviction and without apology:
    If asked to donate: “I have already committed my donation budget for this year. Please ask me in January and I will certainly put you on my list for next year.”
    If asked to meet a vendor for lunch, dinner, or drinks: “My company prohibits me from accepting gifts in kind from potential vendors so if we’re ever going to do business together, I must decline. Will you send me your information and then I will set up a meeting at my office if it looks like something we should discuss ‘live’?”
    If asked to give a LinkedIn reference to someone I wouldn’t recommend: I try to tell the truth in a way that doesn’t burn the bridge… most recently, this was the truth, “It has been so long since we worked together, I don’t feel I could give a relevant reference regarding your current skills and contributions.”
    If asked by a friend to meet for dinner, drinks, shopping, etc, and I don’t want to give up precious weekend/family time, “Thank you so much for inviting me. I am having a hard time keeping up with all of the people who are important to me these days. Right now my kids and husband are getting all of my non-work time. Can we meet for lunch on a weekday instead?”
    Hope these are helpful to some others who also struggle with saying no to some of these real-life requests.

  • Anonymous

    Ah, the power of no. Great points, thanks Chris.

  • http://twitter.com/jcufaude Jeffrey Cufaude

    I have found it helpful to public share the types of opportunities I am more like to say yes to and to explain why. While that is not a static condition, there are some general terms that seem to always apply. This has helped some individuals and organizations “opt out” of asking because they can see their request would not be a good fit. Such an approach is obviously most useful if you’d see that as a desirable outcome. Some might still want to have the conversation regardless.

  • http://nikkistephan.com Nikki Stephan

    Thanks, Chris. Your suggestions are really helpful. I have a hard time saying no, mostly because I don’t want to offend anyone and make people think I’m not helpful. Like you suggested, I’m learning that referring people to someone who can help is a great idea if you have to say no.

  • Anonymous

    this is why I find “Goal Setting” to be very important. I can ask myself “does this bring me closer to my goals”… if not, it is easy to say “NO”.

    Many people scoff at setting goals, but it gives you an easy out of so many things.

    thom

    • http://damangmedia.com/ Matt Clark

      I agree with your point, is it moving me closer or further away. Another thing that I ask myself is is this in service to me or is it in service to them? Sometimes we have to be bigger than ourselves and lend a helping hand. This is where I will make an exception because sometimes that path will help reach my goals, I just did not see it at the time. Experiment it is also amazing what you can find.

    • http://damangmedia.com/ Matt Clark

      I agree with your point, is it moving me closer or further away. Another thing that I ask myself is is this in service to me or is it in service to them? Sometimes we have to be bigger than ourselves and lend a helping hand. This is where I will make an exception because sometimes that path will help reach my goals, I just did not see it at the time. Experiment it is also amazing what you can find.

  • http://www.kherize5.com Suzanne Vara

    Ok so … you have a hard time saying no, which means that my son would have a field day with you. He’d be one lucky boy with all the things he asks for and to do each day =-)!

    When we say yes to things that we know we should not to we are pleasing them for the benefit of them to avoid disappointment. Saying No is disappointing them but also in a way disappointing ourselves as we have to almost justify saying No. Is this more of a feeling of relinquishing control as if we say yes (when we know we should be saying no) we are giving them the control but when we say no but have to justify it, we are still in a way of giving them control. I am not saying that life is about control but yet when it comes to the emotional tug of making the decision to say yes or no, we do consider the affect it will have on both.

    Saying no is easy in some parts of life. Do you like sardines? Easy answer for most, no. Where it gets complicated is when people ask for something that we internally want to say yes to, have in the past said yes to but now are not able. Sometimes people ask just to ask as they know the answer is probably no but they go by it never hurts to ask. We create the internal struggle of having to compile a well thought out reason for no when they were just hoping there may be some slight sliver of hope that we would say yes.

  • http://twitter.com/lulugrimm Lisa Grimm

    A nice reminder that saying no is okay. While I’ve had to say it a lot lately, it still feels slightly against my constitution because I am like you that way (and many others I’m sure). I just like to help people out, sometimes at the expense of my schedule or other priorities, which inevitably begins to cause friction in my life because I’m over extended. I love what you’ve written here. Here’s my add: It’s important to recognize what the inability for me to say no is about. I find it’s an ego thing (I hate admitting it, but it’s true). I genuinely LOVE to help people (over-work or over-commit), which usually is accompanied by some degree of accolades, which is nice but not a standard I can uphold and frankly don’t want to. Examining it this way solves the puzzle and makes the act of actually saying ‘no’ a no brainier. It’s the internal struggle that can get me. Make sense? Thanks for writing neat stuff, Chris:-).

  • http://twitter.com/lulugrimm Lisa Grimm

    A nice reminder that saying no is okay. While I’ve had to say it a lot lately, it still feels slightly against my constitution because I am like you that way (and many others I’m sure). I just like to help people out, sometimes at the expense of my schedule or other priorities, which inevitably begins to cause friction in my life because I’m over extended. I love what you’ve written here. Here’s my add: It’s important to recognize what the inability for me to say no is about. I find it’s an ego thing (I hate admitting it, but it’s true). I genuinely LOVE to help people (over-work or over-commit), which usually is accompanied by some degree of accolades, which is nice but not a standard I can uphold and frankly don’t want to. Examining it this way solves the puzzle and makes the act of actually saying ‘no’ a no brainier. It’s the internal struggle that can get me. Make sense? Thanks for writing neat stuff, Chris:-).

  • http://www.boutiquemoney.com.au Jody Fenton

    At one time or another we all have trouble saying No. Most of us know how hard it is for someone else to then say no to our request and give the person respect when they make this choice. When you run into someone who doesn’t respect your choice, don’t give away too much. Say No as simply as you can without a big explanation of why. The bigger the explanation, the more information you are giving them to find reasons why you should say yes. If you find you want to give a reason why you are saying no, keep it simple.
    Thank you for the opportunity, unfortunately I cannot fit that into my schedule. You can then offer a referral or offer an alternative if you choose. Remain polite and gracious and most people will be ok with this response.

  • Chendry

    I find it interesting that NO comes much easier with age. I am 52. Ten years ago I had a much harder time saying the two letter word than the three letter word. But with age comes experience. And the experience most of us who said YES more than we should have lingers in memories of disappointing others, and ourselves. Many years of saying the wrong word too many times has led many of us 50-somethings to understand the wisdom that comes with the word NO. I am no different than most entering their golden years. With age comes wisdom. And with wisdom comes the ease of saying NO. Because it means the times you say YES are much more profound, useful, and satisfying. See, you really do have things to look forward to.

  • http://ariwriter.com Ari Herzog

    What’s worse than the NO is the lack of any response. Why the human resource industry can’t recognize that job seekers would rather receive a “No, we’re not interested in you” than no response is a mystery.

  • Anonymous

    Do you know the person that says YES to everything…then disappoints by not showing up or following through on the commitment? Eventually, you figure out the YES to everything person is completely unreliable and you stop hanging out with them and/or doing business with them.

    Saying NO and backing it up with a good reason shows confidence and earns respect. Much better than a wishy washy YES that will lead to a disappointment.

  • Anonymous

    Do you know the person that says YES to everything…then disappoints by not showing up or following through on the commitment? Eventually, you figure out the YES to everything person is completely unreliable and you stop hanging out with them and/or doing business with them.

    Saying NO and backing it up with a good reason shows confidence and earns respect. Much better than a wishy washy YES that will lead to a disappointment.

  • http://twitter.com/jtroia James Troia

    So timely!! A close friend was asking my assistance to manage a project for them and I just can’t fit it in right now. “I’d rather say no now, than I’m sorry later” is not only how I felt, but would be difficult to express if not seeing it in black and white here! Thanks for continuing to push out such relevant content CB.

  • http://www.slice-works.com krabil57

    Chris, the thing that impresses me most about your post is that it’s not about you. You are always looking beyond the immediate and considering how you can help others too. That is just naturally part of the equation for you. It’s that perspective that impresses me time after time.

    That’s what I’d like to talk about more. How do you develop that perspective? I understand that networking is a big part of the business equation these days, but trust for me can be a big issue.

  • http://www.slice-works.com krabil57

    Chris, the thing that impresses me most about your post is that it’s not about you. You are always looking beyond the immediate and considering how you can help others too. That is just naturally part of the equation for you. It’s that perspective that impresses me time after time.

    That’s what I’d like to talk about more. How do you develop that perspective? I understand that networking is a big part of the business equation these days, but trust for me can be a big issue.

  • http://twitter.com/PeterPaluska Peter Paluska

    A tough one indeed. But, like you said above, Chris, being direct is the best route usually. Direct, polite, and appreciative. We can’t take everything on after all! Also, we need to be ready to RECEIVE no answers, as well. When somebody tells us no, we take it with class, and re-ask later if the opportunity arises and there is context supporting our re-ask.
    Thank you, Chris!

    Peter

  • http://www.eBrokerHouse.com ThomasMoore

    NO seems to be plaguing us all….

  • http://www.zmags.com/blog Christina Pappas

    Although I hate to hear a No or give a No, I appreciate an honest answer. In my career, I have worked with several different cultures and some just don’t want to give a no because they think it is disrespectful. Then, they do not deliver. The economy has us all running scared and I think that No is something we will hear less and less and actually miss.

    Any thoughts on coaching the team on saying No and that’s ok to do so and their job will not be threatened by it?

  • Vangile Makwakwa

    No can also be seen as a way to free space for more opportunities. Sometimes we are afraid to say no to opportunities because we think people will never offer them again or that they will hate us which is requires us to change our thought process: are we living for others and is opportunity scarce? When can use the word NO as a way set boundaries and define what we want more of. When we say yes to everything, we often say yes to opportunities that do help us and we often overextend ourselves which helps noone.

  • Pamelak

    I can relate. I do a lot of service work. It often feels like it’s the same 12 of us volunteering over and over again. I am learning to say “no”. I usually say something like “I’d love to but I’m over committed.” Then you have to let it go.

  • Pamelak

    I can relate. I do a lot of service work. It often feels like it’s the same 12 of us volunteering over and over again. I am learning to say “no”. I usually say something like “I’d love to but I’m over committed.” Then you have to let it go.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ULBMFIZJZ5LK7IFLO76WZALXJU Brad Fallon

    Saying no is always hard for me, too. I’ve learned to try to remember the resentment I’ll have to fight off by agreeing to do something I don’t want to do or have time to do. It really can be about having as much respect for yourself and priorities as the person you’re struggling to gently be honest with.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ULBMFIZJZ5LK7IFLO76WZALXJU Brad Fallon

    Saying no is always hard for me, too. I’ve learned to try to remember the resentment I’ll have to fight off by agreeing to do something I don’t want to do or have time to do. It really can be about having as much respect for yourself and priorities as the person you’re struggling to gently be honest with.

  • http://www.noco-cs.com Business Concierge

    Great Blog Thanks for teaching me to say “NO” to Volunteering!

  • http://www.noco-cs.com Business Concierge

    Great Blog Thanks for teaching me to say “NO” to Volunteering!

  • http://ColoradoCoachingCompany.com Colorado Business Coach

    Great post Chris. Amazing how such a little word can make such a big impact on my time and productivity.

  • http://ColoradoCoachingCompany.com Colorado Business Coach

    Great post Chris. Amazing how such a little word can make such a big impact on my time and productivity.

  • http://www.redfrogstudio.co.uk/ dompl

    It becomes even harder when you have a moment when you are desperate for some work. Saying no can be really difficult. So most if the time we say yes, and the it stike us back like a boomerang.

    Excellent read, many tanks for this!

  • http://joomlawebdevelopments.info/ joomla company

    this no word is to complicate while i saying in office. if some body asking do you know this work if doesn’t we want to say no.. it too tough

  • http://joomlawebdevelopments.info/ joomla company

    this no word is to complicate while i saying in office. if some body asking do you know this work if doesn’t we want to say no.. it too tough

  • http://twitter.com/SavvyExacta Laura Sicley

    This post is great. I especially love your line, “I’d rather say no now than say ‘I’m sorry’ later.” It really emphasizes the fact that you put your best effort into your work to your colleagues.To my friends/family, I remind them that I sometimes say “no” because I’m not feeling well. I ask whether they’d rather have me present physically today or emotionally involved in our activities tomorrow after I’ve rested.

  • Mbassemir

    Knowing how to say no is great for reaching your own goals, but saying “yes” to help someone else out also has a great boomerang affect in your life.

  • Pinkolivefamily

    What I liked about this post Chris was the fact that you outlined it beautifully crafted to being more assertive in your approach to this question of “how” to go about saying No and by giving alternative solutions as well with examples. We’d all like to do everything that may come into our path but “knowing” how to taken on that right opportunity is so important. The post clearly states that clearly, succinctly (as always you are good at) and also positively despite the fact that it can go wrong in so many cases. What else can you talk about? Perhaps another add may be how to bridge the relationship once you have answered no to rather than leaving at that. Many do not follow-up and I think it’s very important to know “how” to continue the relationships as who knows what path will lead to in the distant future. I myself would love to read more examples of this as we all tend to struggle with that some times. Good post! Always thank you for sharing.

  • http://twitter.com/TheresePope TheresePope

    Fantastic post, Chris! I loved your specific examples of how you respond and referrals are a great way to approach situations. I’ve been using that word a lot MORE in both my professional and personal life. As a freelance copywriter who owns my own business, I can’t be everything to everyone and I also get the “Can I pick your brain for just a few moments?” question from people from people which translates into “Can I have a free consult for the next two hours?” We all have to draw the line somewhere lest we go crazy! Thanks for sharing, Chris.

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  • ko

    Let me give you the Asian equivelents of this – we are expert at the soft, evasive “No” since we are reluctant to make promises we can’t keep and also to make others lose face.

    “I/we will consider your request/idea/proposal.”

    “This seems importiant, may I/we have some time to consider it?” (Of course you can!)

    “I/we need to check. How soon do you need an answer?”

    “I/we have not done this/have no experience, I’m not sure we can help.”

    The basic idea is to signal uncertianty and cast doubt on one’s own ability.
    “That is an interesting idea. What do others think? ”

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  • http://reidwalley.com Reid Walley

    “I’d rather say no now than say ‘I’m sorry’ later” really stood out for me, Chris. I also use a filter that is similar to Brian Clark’s, in that I consider how my community will be positively/negatively impacted by a request. And with life coaching clients, I share the difference between a no that is “mean” and a no that is “meaningful.”

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