April 18, 2011 73 Comments

Mind Reading

I'm Not Racist. All I Am Is Afraid - Nobel Peace Center

At the Nobel Peace Center, I saw this bit of writing on a wall: “I’m not racist. All I am is afraid.”

I loved it, because it speaks to something we all do. We assume that we understand what someone else is thinking. In self-esteem books, this is called “mind reading.”

Mind reading is when we project our thoughts of what someone else is thinking onto that someone else. This is what we do in relationships. This is what we do at events, when we’re thinking about whether or not we can introduce ourselves to someone new. Mind reading, almost always, is useless. It’s not helpful. It’s a bunch of fake emotions and thoughts (mostly our fears) that we project onto other people.

And yet, it’s what we do more often than not.

Avoid Mind Reading

The easiest way to avoid mind reading is to ask, or to dare to see if what you’re fearing is real. For instance, you can walk up to someone and say, “I’d love to introduce myself, if this is a good time.” That takes your worry away that the person might be thinking now isn’t a good time, because instead, you’ve given them the opportunity to say that maybe you can connect later. Make sense?

Another way to do it is to communicate more of your position so that the other person doesn’t try mind-reading you. Remember, you’re not the only one doing this. So, for instance, you might say, “I’m usually a bit quiet during negotiations, but please don’t let that silence seem like I’m upset. I’m actually quite excited about this opportunity.” See how that puts everything back in their hands?

Stay Vigilant

It’s important to stay vigilant to mind reading. If not, you run the risk of answering on behalf of other people, and quite often in the negative. This translates to the online world as well. Perception is not reality. It’s not likely that what you’re presuming is actually true, especially if it’s the negative.

What Say You?

Have you done this? Have you tried reading other people’s minds and filling the silence with your own negative fears? How do you combat it? Where are you with this situation today?

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  • http://kikolani.com/ Kristi Hines

    Being an empathetic person, I probably do this more often than I think, trying to gauge what others are feeling and voicing those opinions in hopes that it will spark a deeper conversation. I think it’s really about awareness and thinking about why you want to say something before you speak.

  • http://edge.papercutpm.com/ Geoff Crane

    Mind reading is a dangerous thing. We see it on projects all the time as team members try to validate both their fears and assumptions without actually expressing them for others to hear. It’s destructive because the person who did the mind reading will often go away and take action based on what they perceived. That can create a lot of rework and bad feelings. (Of course those negative consequences aren’t just limited to project environments!)

    The techniques you’ve listed here are really helpful! Thanks for this! :-)

  • http://edge.papercutpm.com/ Geoff Crane

    Mind reading is a dangerous thing. We see it on projects all the time as team members try to validate both their fears and assumptions without actually expressing them for others to hear. It’s destructive because the person who did the mind reading will often go away and take action based on what they perceived. That can create a lot of rework and bad feelings. (Of course those negative consequences aren’t just limited to project environments!)

    The techniques you’ve listed here are really helpful! Thanks for this! :-)

  • http://www.netwitsthinktank.com frank barry

    I do this all the time online (and offline of course, but I immediately thought of online examples).

    Silly things like putting up a new blog post, tweeting it and then “expecting” certain people to RT, comment, share, etc. based on what I know of them, conversations we’ve had, my relationship with them, etc. I’m sort of projecting my feeling wanting to see my warez spred onto them without actually ever talking to them about it.

    At that point. It’s easy to start filling my head with my own story about “why” … which is always dangerous.

    And when you type it out like this … you see just how SILLY it really is.

    Good food for thought today Chris.

    @franswaa

  • http://www.netwitsthinktank.com frank barry

    I do this all the time online (and offline of course, but I immediately thought of online examples).

    Silly things like putting up a new blog post, tweeting it and then “expecting” certain people to RT, comment, share, etc. based on what I know of them, conversations we’ve had, my relationship with them, etc. I’m sort of projecting my feeling wanting to see my warez spred onto them without actually ever talking to them about it.

    At that point. It’s easy to start filling my head with my own story about “why” … which is always dangerous.

    And when you type it out like this … you see just how SILLY it really is.

    Good food for thought today Chris.

    @franswaa

  • http://www.bizworks360.com Mary Ann Halford

    Chris – a thoughtful piece. At it’s core, I think you are counseling to stay in a positive frame of mind and not read all that much into what you think others are thinking. Quite frankly, we are all so distracted these days with all the various forms of communication coming at us . . . that what we perceive as someone not being interested is that they are overwhelmed or driven to distraction.

    So, how do I overcome these negative fears? I wish I could say, I don’t have them! But when I do, I come back to my grounded self and I give people the benefit of the doubt. I think about other ways to connect. Most people after all are genuinely good people.

  • http://www.bizworks360.com Mary Ann Halford

    Chris – a thoughtful piece. At it’s core, I think you are counseling to stay in a positive frame of mind and not read all that much into what you think others are thinking. Quite frankly, we are all so distracted these days with all the various forms of communication coming at us . . . that what we perceive as someone not being interested is that they are overwhelmed or driven to distraction.

    So, how do I overcome these negative fears? I wish I could say, I don’t have them! But when I do, I come back to my grounded self and I give people the benefit of the doubt. I think about other ways to connect. Most people after all are genuinely good people.

  • Anonymous

    Chris, I know that I am guilty of projecting my thoughts and values onto others. Once, my husband Robert called me out on it because I got mad at him for going skiing and not asking if I wanted to go. Robert doesn’t think as I do and told me that if I wanted to go, I needed to tell him.

    The message I got from this is that other people do not always think the same way as you and that to be fair, you need to stop projecting and start listening. Thanks, Miriam

  • http://www.margieclayman.com Marjorie Clayman

    This has me thinking.

    Just yesterday I was telling a new online acquaintance that sarcasm is my native tongue. The problem with talking in a generally smart-allecky way is that people who don’t know you well can’t possibly tell whether you’re being serious or not. Even when I’ve joked around with someone for awhile, the sarcasm doesn’t always come across the way I want, and I’ve actually accidentally hurt peoples’ feelings on occasion. I was lucky that they told me so that I could explain and apologize profusely.

    On the other hand, I don’t know that I should go around marked like Cain, or with a scarlet letter “s” for sarcasm so people can see me coming. Hmm.

    Powerful ramifications for online communication.

    • http://raulcolon.net Raul Colon

      Ok Margie you are forgiven now I understand it was Sarcasm all the time :) LOL..

      Have a great week!

      • http://www.margieclayman.com Marjorie Clayman

        no, I wasn’t being sarcastic with you….:)

  • http://twitter.com/NancyD68 Nancy Davis

    I say it all the time. I can’t read your mind because I broke my crystal ball. Seriously, the biggest arguments I ever have with anyone are the ones where I assume something. We all knows what happens when we assume things….

    I do need the reminders not to assume things and to ask questions. Thanks for this one Chris.

    • http://raulcolon.net Raul Colon

      I agree we all need reminders for many things just like you a good reason to visit Chris Blog every day! :)

  • Kradr2

    What if you’re afraid of your own frighting thoughts? … Or what if you suspect , one of your mental crew members is a rat?

  • http://stevegarfield.com Steve Garfield

    Seek first to understand.

    • http://www.joshchandler.me Josh Chandler

      :)

  • http://www.idiomstrategies.com/ Christine Fife

    Interesting topic. In the current issue of Wired Mag there is an article about new marketing tactics to better predict consumer buying behavior by getting access to online click thru data to know what ads to serve them, what type of pitch they’re most likely to take to, etc. Sorry, I don’t recall the article title and I don’t see it online yet. But it made me wonder how ethical that can be. Reading someone’s mind, if you were really able to do that, certainly wouldn’t be ethical. As a professional marketing communications specialist I am not a big fan of any advertising that tries to trick people into buying something. Figuring out how to better predict what pitches or types of ads appeal to people in this way seems not only like they’re trying to read consumers minds, but also that they’re projecting onto those consumers what they should buy by knowing what type of appeal might make them a push over.

  • http://raulcolon.net Raul Colon

    Funny that you touch this subject. I ordered @HouseofBrew’s (which I met via Kitchen Table Companies) awesome Meet Meme Cards and I added as a Super Power Mind reading.

    I guess we all wish we had super power’s and this one many of us would like to have. In reality I see how many times people ask me questions I can’t find an answer but the biggest mistake they made was not asking the person who has the answer to the question directly. Reading Jim Raffel’s post today spoke about asking your readers on your blog what they can expect from you (like you do on many occasions).

    I guess asking questions can help you not need the Mind Reading Super Power. Listening to the right people and asking the corresponding questions should be good enough.

  • http://raulcolon.net Raul Colon

    Funny that you touch this subject. I ordered @HouseofBrew’s (which I met via Kitchen Table Companies) awesome Meet Meme Cards and I added as a Super Power Mind reading.

    I guess we all wish we had super power’s and this one many of us would like to have. In reality I see how many times people ask me questions I can’t find an answer but the biggest mistake they made was not asking the person who has the answer to the question directly. Reading Jim Raffel’s post today spoke about asking your readers on your blog what they can expect from you (like you do on many occasions).

    I guess asking questions can help you not need the Mind Reading Super Power. Listening to the right people and asking the corresponding questions should be good enough.

  • http://poder5.blogspot.com Prometeo

    The only efficient mind readers I’ve seen are professional poker players. Those guys can really guess if you are telling the truth or not.

  • http://courtcan.com Courtney Cantrell

    Um. I’m a woman. And I’ve been married to a man for almost 13 years. Yeah, you could say that I’ve had some experience in “mind-reading.” ;-D

    But stereotypes aside…this really is something I’ve had to work on in an intentional way. You think you know someone — and the longer you’re with them (be it 12 minutes or 12 years), the better you think you know them. You start thinking, “Well, since he’s not saying anything, he must be thinking this…”

    But no. That is not a “must.” As it turns out, all he’s thinking about is how glad he is to be resting in the peace and quiet of at-home. Your incessant assumption that his silence means he’s upset? All that does is deconstruct his peaceful frame of mind. Give the man his silence, for petesake!

    Yeah. I’m learning. ; )

    That said, one of my favorite quotes is the following from Spider Robinson:

    “To approach telepathy, you start with empathy and crank that up as high as you can. You care about each other. You feel each others’s joy and pain. You make each other laugh, and help each other cry. You work hard at trusting each other, so that it’s safe to dismantle the fortress around your ego. You forgive each other anything that stands between you, and try to bring out each other’s best, you work very hard at hosing all the bull-shit out of your head so that it’s clean enough for guests, silencing all the demons in your subconscious so that it’s quiet enough to hear people thinking at you, and most of all you find ways to make that work so much fun that you keep on working. You stick together and love each other, and keep growing.”

    It’s so much more valuable to try understanding what’s in someone’s heart than to imagine what might be going on in someone’s head.

  • http://dwaynephillips.net Dwayne Phillips

    Here is an exercise. Look in a mirror and ask, “does that person in the mirror look smart enough to read my mind?”

  • http://www.todayhaspower.com Rob

    Mind screwing is the way a friend described it to me.
    What a concept. We pick out a certain shirt and leave the house.
    After leaving we decide this shirt sucks. It has to suck or else that guy over there wouldn’t have looked at me so peculiarly. But, that woman also looked strangely at me. She must think my shirt sucks also.
    Wait a minute. The guy I buy my newspaper from just told me he loves my shirt. The others must have been appreciating it. Or, maybe the newspaper guy has sucky tastes like me!
    Calgon take me away.

    Live it LOUD!

    • http://www.linkedin.com/in/smksensei Sean Michael Kelly

      From what I see from your avatar, Rob, you’re not wearing a shirt. Better check the mirror by the door on the way out and stop wondering why the folks on the street are wondering about the guy with no shirt… :-D

      Cheers!

  • http://www.pamelahazelton.com Pamela Hazelton

    I usually mind-read overly-positive thoughts. Perhaps its because the other person is masking his negativity by actually seeming excited?

  • http://twitter.com/susangiurleo susangiurleo

    The reality is, we’re all thinking about ourselves 98% of the time. For me, I find solace in knowing that it really is never about me. Meaning, how people react, think about and interact with me is most often not about me…it’s about them – whatever is in their mind/life/space at the time. This is true whether they think I”m awesomesauce or if they think I’m a loser. I just steer my life in a respectable way and do my best to be a decent human. How others choose to interface with me on that path is completely their decision…

    This may sound cold, but it’s not. I have very close relationships(in my personal and work life) and love that the people around me choose to be there. And it’s funny…the people who I’ve come across who needed me to read their mind to feel whole aren’t around for long. We’re all responsible for our own path and meeting our own needs. No one else totally gets you, really.
    (Existential life musings are now over…) : )

    And, personal feelings aside, the sooner people who market stuff for a living understand that it’s never about them, the sooner they will find success. It’s never about you, your product. It’s about them -their needs, wants, pain points, emotions…

    We’re always in WIIFM (What’s in it for me) mode. Always. All of us.

  • Vanessa Hall

    I talk about this same kind of phenomena as ‘negative expectations’, which are formed from our own direct experiences, from things we see and read, from things others tell us, and from similar experiences we have. We form negative expectations about how people behave, what we think people will do or say, and we act in ways that are consistent with what we expect to happen – brain science has proven that.

    So the thing to think about when we are interacting with others is this – what am I really and truly expecting from this person, and where did that expectation come from? It gives you a chance to determine if your expectations are realistic, and being honest with yourself allows the space to open up to prove that you may just be wrong this time! :)

    Vanessa

  • http://www.linkedin.com/in/smksensei Sean Michael Kelly

    You know, Chris, I don’t always take time to read your posts, but every time that I do I’m glad that I did! One of the things I teach regarding communication is beginning with a foundation of trust. Easier said than done, I assure you. But taking steps to move away many of the assumptions on others, mixed with a healthy dose of self-awareness goes a lot farther than people would think. I worked once with a group of men that made up a church “elder board” that chuckled when I brought up that I thought they had a trust issue with each other. Exhibiting itself with so many issues kept coming up again and again, as one example. “But we’ve been ‘brothers’ for many years!” Then the onion began to unpeel some of the distinct personality and thought-process differences. They were reading each others’ minds…. wrong! “I thought he always thought that was a great idea!” “Nope. I just didn’t want to hurt your feelings.” …and on it goes.

    It’s funny/sad how we do this to each other all of the time. Even the deepest understanding of ourselves and even of others is still only “skin deep” when it comes to truly communicating our thoughts and feelings. Thanks for beginning this conversation on “mind-reading!” I’ll be ruminating on this throughout the day I’m sure!

  • http://hannahsharvest.com Hannahmarcotti

    In the mom blog world, this is a huge issue. Some bloggers choose to never talk about the challenges, instead highlight the positives. When you read these small tastes of someone’s life, you can create the story that they are so amazing and you are surely failing. The mind reading is also huge when working with my clients on weight loss. Beautiful piece, wonderful comments too!

  • Michael Wentworth

    Great point. Dan Roam the author of “The Back of the Napkin” would call mind reading the act of looking and seeing. The first three steps in the way we consume visual information are 1) Orientation, 2) Position, 3) Recognition. The science of how we consume new information is founded in the brain’s process of pattern recognition. If no recognizable pattern exists, we imprint one on it so we can deal with the new information. Since the patterns we recognize are from our personal historical catalog–they are inherently biased and therefore prejudice. The point is we’re biologically programmed to be prejudiced–it requires our intellect to reprogram ourselves.

  • Kermit

    “Mind reading” is not exactly descriptive of these projected thoughts and feelings of other people. I would much prefer a different term, perhaps, “mental presumptions”.

    I personally feel that I have avoided this particular difficulty because I presume that I don’t know anything about anyone, even those people that I’ve known for decades. I also don’t depend on how or what other people think about me. The only thing I control or try to control is how I think about other people. I choose to hold everyone in unconditional positive regard.

    I suggest that this attitude will be useful to everyone.

    Kermit

    • http://www.linkedin.com/in/smksensei Sean Michael Kelly

      I think the term “mind reading” is easier for most people to grasp quickly and is much more provocative of a description than “Mental Presumptions.” Point made though.

      On your 2nd paragraph… I’d love to interview your family members and/or significant other to see how that’s working out for you. Really? Fully avoided? Everyone? :-)

      3rd paragraph: Absolutely! My slogan is “Attitudes are chosen, not assigned.”

      Cheers!

  • Mary

    Yes! Shutting down the mind-reader takes discipline and the ability to get quiet.

  • http://twitter.com/monk51295 monika hardy

    a fav and life-changing quote:
    The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
    - Bernard Shaw

    great post and comments.. thanks.

  • http://twitter.com/monk51295 monika hardy

    a fav and life-changing quote:
    The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
    - Bernard Shaw

    great post and comments.. thanks.

    • http://twitter.com/industrialmom Jennifer Murphy

      love this quote; I think it is the single biggest problem in relationships!

  • http://websitesgiveback.com/blog/ Elena Patrice

    Great post Chris! Boy, I could a poster child of “mind reading” and being totally wrong! I do have a better hold of this affliction, as I’m much more conscience of it now when I attempt to do this. Many people will relate to this post no doubt. It’s very liberating ending a career as a mind reader, now it’s off to something else like working from the positive! :) Thanks so much!

    With kindness,

    Elena

  • http://twitter.com/WebMaxed Kevin Haynes

    Just do it! I try not to think about it and just go up and introduce myself… Everyone is self conscious, so it’s easy to take that out of the equation because your fear cancels out my fear… make sense?!

  • http://twitter.com/industrialmom Jennifer Murphy

    I just read something else in Whole Living, a comment by a psychoanalyst that said something like, ‘don’t let your mind wander, since we all know that a wandering mind is an unhealthy mind’…lightbulb! Chris, between my wandering mind and you now labeling this issue, I am going to have to start running marathons again! That said, running is what keeps my mind clean and the negative fears at bay. It helps with my confidence and is also the time when I come up with my best ideas for our business. Are you still running?

  • http://twitter.com/ArveyColumbus Cheri Allbritton

    I see this happening more with people you personally know (family, friends, coworkers) more so than with people that do not know each other. I think your commenter Susan Giurleo nailed it on the head, we are almost always thinking about ourselves not the other person. So we project to protect our own feelings. We also do this to draw out the feeling of someone who internalizes their thoughts, once again though with the desire to alleviate our own fears and anxieties. Very thought provoking post Chris.

  • http://www.wheatleytimmons.com robertwheatley

    Chris — love the observation. In simple form, you’re exposing the most debilitating area of the human condition: fear. Fear gets in the way of pretty much everything — especially achieving and securing what we want or desire in our personal and professional lives. If we could just surgically remove the fear factor, wow. Just imagine what would happen if we were all willing to take the little and larger risks without hesitation….

  • http://ClimbingEveryMountain.com Mary E. Ulrich

    I am starting to think our fears rule most of our actions. We have been conditioned by media, our families… to be afraid. And we arrogantly assume we know what others are thinking.

    This month is Autism Awareness Month. There is a movie called “Wretches and Jabberers” that is being shown in select theaters. I saw it last Saturday and watched all the videos about it on YouTube.

    If ever there was proof about the danger of projecting our fears–it is in the story of the people with autism and other disabilities who cannot speak verbally, but who have mountains of thoughts.

  • http://fabulositynouveau.blogspot.com/ Wendy Ewurum

    Chris this is incredibly enlightening to me because I am very poor at networking for all the reason’s you’ve mentioned and I never knew it had a name or even that there are ways of overcoming it. I always compensated with I’m not good at networking but I’mm good at….which essentially means i have a great product but not many clients. Thank you thank you

  • Anonymous

    This may be something that I need to let go of in an entirely different field. Thanks for sharing.

  • http://www.tealoves2write.tumblr.com Tea

    Very insightful advice. Thank you

  • Neugen

    Aha! That is what is called mind reading. I keep doing this a lot, especially in events fearing to introduce myself to others and fearing what the other person might think about me. Thank you very much for the insightful advice. I will try to avoid this in the future and just be daring!

    • Falinko45

      Are you Asian?

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  • http://www.bigjobsboard.com/ Brad Jobs

    Don’t analyze too much. Don’t presume too much. Don’t be shy. Don’t try to be the oracle and be approachable. That is how it goes for smooth communication. Thanks for sharing this article. this is really useful.

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  • Guest

    But I’m a racist.

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  • Nawisha

    try to b genuine n original n dont believe in mind reading too much as it wil create an endless stress to u in the long run……………………………..nawisha

  • anonymous

    ASIANS CAN ACTUALLY READ MINDS!!!!!!!!

    they can hear, and see what your visually thinking

    the reason alot of asians have completely expressionless faces, only associate with asians and dont associate with non asians very much is to avoid accidentally revealing that they can read read minds, if all over a billion asians were to show facial expressions all the time just as much as non asians, associate with non asians much more, and be much more friendly and talkative, then alot of them might accidentally reveal that they can read minds by accidentally showing a facial expression or dirty look when someone thinks, or visually pictures something in their mind they dont like or find astonishing or funny, and if they were all to associate with non asians alot more there would be alot more people around for them to accidentally show facial expressions when those other people think things they dont like, so they only associate with asians so there wont be anyone around for them to see that and have any accidents happen in the first place
    think about it, its  not normal how alot of them act, and the entire way they act is all to hide their mind reading abilities, it makes perfect sense to do all of that to hide that they can read minds, because all of that is the perfect way to do it!
    every single asian on the planet is hiding their mind reading abilities, they value hiding their mind reading abilities more then their own lives!
    thats why nobody knows about it!
    try thinking, best yet visually picturing in your mind something something absolutely crazy as you possibly can when you are around asians, and try looking for asians who give people particular looks, especially dirty looks for what appears to be for completely no reason, that is them giving people looks when they hear and visually see someone thinking something they dont like, find funny or astonishing
    it still happens despite them having completely expressionless faces all the time, its not uncommon!
    i know this sounds crazy, impossible, and completely unbelievable, BUT IT ISNT CRAZY WHEN ITS TRUE

  • anonymous

    ASIANS CAN ACTUALLY READ MINDS!!!!!!!!

    they can hear, and see what your visually thinking

    the reason alot of asians have completely expressionless faces, only associate with asians and dont associate with non asians very much is to avoid accidentally revealing that they can read read minds, if all over a billion asians were to show facial expressions all the time just as much as non asians, associate with non asians much more, and be much more friendly and talkative, then alot of them might accidentally reveal that they can read minds by accidentally showing a facial expression or dirty look when someone thinks, or visually pictures something in their mind they dont like or find astonishing or funny, and if they were all to associate with non asians alot more there would be alot more people around for them to accidentally show facial expressions when those other people think things they dont like, so they only associate with asians so there wont be anyone around for them to see that and have any accidents happen in the first place
    think about it, its  not normal how alot of them act, and the entire way they act is all to hide their mind reading abilities, it makes perfect sense to do all of that to hide that they can read minds, because all of that is the perfect way to do it!
    every single asian on the planet is hiding their mind reading abilities, they value hiding their mind reading abilities more then their own lives!
    thats why nobody knows about it!
    try thinking, best yet visually picturing in your mind something something absolutely crazy as you possibly can when you are around asians, and try looking for asians who give people particular looks, especially dirty looks for what appears to be for completely no reason, that is them giving people looks when they hear and visually see someone thinking something they dont like, find funny or astonishing
    it still happens despite them having completely expressionless faces all the time, its not uncommon!
    i know this sounds crazy, impossible, and completely unbelievable, BUT IT ISNT CRAZY WHEN ITS TRUE

    • Loveyouzafar

      It’s very true. Last summer my sister was travelling out of Mainland China and at this Immigration Table she encountered with this very sense that the officer behind the table was answering the very questions,which she was asking to her-self. She now believes that such method still exists in our planet. 

      • anonymous

        she is right, all asians very well can read minds
        i know they can, i dont know if anyone else knows they can, its something astonishing i have discoveredi dont know why every single asian is hiding their mind reading abilitiesmy guesses is that they know how people would react if people found out they can all read minds, people freaking out, especially around themanother big one is that they probably just dont want all of the attention they would get

        • Archu Archu 24

          hey no its not true i’m an asian i’m from india but i cant read mind

          • subhashini subramani

            hai guys i am a indian i know mind reading & also know what they are thing from their mind & heart

          • Anshnarang

            hello i m yash i want to know how we can read mind

          • Mich

            Americans say “asian” to “chinese race”, like japanese, koreans, etc, because they like to be politically correct. Here in Europe we call them just chinese (even if they are from Japan, but it’s meaning their race). Indian is indian. Chinese can read minds, indians nope, sorry.

          • Samson

            It only chinese people can read minds not indians or even koreans or japanese only chinese. There is a part of China called Tibet and they cant read minds in that part of china either which makes them not like being chinese but its jus because they don’t know.

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