Real Live Human Social Networking
This blog often covers the keyboard-level approach to social contact with others, but I realized that we haven’t talked lately about approaching and communicating with people face-to-face in a while. As the cheery gentleman on the left is now buying my breakfast for Bryan Person’s clever idea of throwing a Social Media Breakfast, I thought I’d talk briefly about what one might do when faced with - gasp - reaching to to talk to people in social events. Because, and this might shock you, but my “BFF” from Gnomedex and I witnessed first hand that sometimes, even social media experts aren’t always great at the face-to-face kind of networking.
Fake Confidence
Let’s presume that this event you’re attending is reasonably safe for you, meaning that it’s not the intent of people there to malign you, bring you down, or otherwise cause you strife. If that’s likely to be true, then yes, I’m asking you to lie. If you’re not the kind of person who’s naturally confident, look DEEP inside yourself and find some reason to feel damned good about you, and wear THAT on the surface of your emotions. Why? Because it’s like wearing donuts to a Homer Simpson convention. People will eat you up in the good sense, if they feel you’re confident. And if you’re not naturally bringing that in, it’s okay to fake it until you feel it.
Some tricks: accept that YOU are every bit as qualified as the people you’re going to meet. Remind yourself of the things you do well. Tell yourself, out loud even, that you’re a total rockstar on the rise, and that these people will appreciate that.
Have Something to Say
Here’s where faking ends. Pretty quick, I admit. Have something worth saying when someone asks you, “So, what do you do?” or “What are you into?” These kinds of questions are most people’s ice breakers. Think up a good answer WAY ahead of time, and practice saying it until you’re confident it reflects the truth. Don’t be OVERLY clever, but have it down.
Some tricks: you get extra points for jarring them with a unique answer. In a roomful of social media geeks, I usually answer that question with something way off-base like, “I’m a combat helicopter pilot.” It’s jarring enough so that when I give my real answer, the other person is VERY attentive to what I’ll say next. Also, think hard about your passion versus your job title.
The Business Card Thing
If you’re reading this on my website, go to the search bar and put in “business card.” I won’t tell you how much value I place in having good, useful business cards. But here’s a hint: don’t exchange cards *too* early. The best time to do it? After you’ve talked for a little bit, and now you understand that you’d like to talk more with the person. End your conversation by saying, “This has been really great. Could we exchange cards so that we can continue the conversation?” Perfect. Smooth.
Topics for Conversation
Be flexible to good conversation. Think of a few pertinent openers yourself to bring to the event. (Sense a trend here? Plan BEFORE going to the event). Think of questions that are open-ended to answer. “Where will social media fit into businesses over the next year?” versus “Do you have a blog?” See how one can be answered with a “yes,” but the other has to be answered with some thought? THAT’s the trick.
Some tricks: people love to talk about themselves. Give them great springboard questions and let them run. Ask about something they’ve done in the last year or two that they’re proud of. Ask them about what they wanted to be when they were a kid thinking about the future.
Eye Contact
LOTS gets told over whether you can make reasonably good eye contact. Sometimes I can, and other times I can’t. I’m not telling you the difference. But I will say, try your hardest to connect to people’s eyes. It means a world of difference between what people think about you later. Practice this at home. Practice it out and about with random people. When catching someone’s eye while walking down the street, practice a nice smile, a disarming smile. Eyes tell loads about you as a human.
Mingle, Dammit
For years, this has been my biggest peeve about people at social functions. Move OUT of your comfort zone and meet someone new. Yes, it’s daunting. Yes, it’s so much easier to clump with the people you know and trust. But the whole point of these events is to get to know someone you haven’t met before, *and* to see your friends. Try doing both. And, as a hint, lots of people are there to meet lots of other people, so they’ll politely let you tie them up a good part of the night, but they might be wishing they could move on, too.
Now, don’t go giving up all that confidence we’ve built up. Just understand that’s part of the game and NOTHING related to if you’re worth talking further with or not. Instead, try to be conscious of body language. If someone starts to shift their body away from yours with different angles, or crosses their arms, or stops making as much eye contact, TAKE THE HINT and politely excuse yourself. Then, find the next conversation, knowing that the last person really enjoyed speaking with you and that you really impressed them (even if that’s not 100% accurate).
Some tricks: in Customer Service, a super big mistake is taking what happened with the last customer and applying the emotional residue to the next customer by mistake. Break this. No matter the outcome of the last conversation, tell yourself that it was the best ever, smile (because when you do this, chemicals shoot through your body to reassure you), and move to the next conversation with confidence. Assess the details later, in private.
Finish Strong
When it’s time to leave the event (hint: don’t YOU be the last one out, even if you’re the host), make a few short polite goodbyes, shake some hands and hug, and get out of there. This is not a wedding receiving line. This is not your last time on the planet. You can miss a few people on the way out the door. Think about who had the most impact on your experience at the event, and make sure to thank them. Thank the host (always!), and if for some reason they’re tied up when you’re leaving, drop them an email as soon as humanly possible. I’d say call them, but they might answer at the party and you don’t want to disrupt the host.
Leave without looking back, because looking back means you’re trying for a little extra praise and reinforcement on the way out the door. It’s like a baseball player leaving the field for the game. Just be cool. They loved you.
Your Advice
You’re a social person. You’ve gone to a lot of events and have some etiquette and secrets of your own. Share them with us. Tell me how you navigate all this scary stuff. What matters to you at social events? And how do you handle difficult people, because I didn’t really cover that much. I’ll ask you to help with that part, okay?
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Comments
Great post filled with lots of excellent ideas. I will be referring back to this because public speaking to a group is very easy, but the mingling causes more of a challenge.
Thanks for the great tips!
I *love* your suggestion for the business cards. My husband just came back from a conference, and every card he had in his pile had meaning, or needed a followup, or had VALUE. It’s the same for the cards he hands out. Unlike when the cards get shoved in your hand drive-by style and you have no idea why you should keep in touch with that person, or even care. Those cards we treat pretty much as advertising, not networking.
My husband and I are both active in-person networkers, and when someone has to make the jump from online to face/face, it’s an entirely new set of etiquette. Great post Chris!
This is great Chris. Thanks! You may have just convinced me to get over my anxieties and go to PodCamp next month. Also, not to plug bad habits, but I find having a drink first helps. Just one though!
I’d add one thing—be aware that everyone else at the party is probably feeling a similar level of uncertainty. When you find yourself in a room with a bunch of people who normally communicate via monitor and keyboard, the in-person byplay can feel foreign, regardless of your confidence level. In essence, you’re all feeling awkward together. Think of it like the first day of kindergarten. Most people are actually excited to meet new people (in theory) or they wouldn’t be at the gathering.
Were you writing this *while* you were at the breakfast? Amazing. Good to have you here today, Chris.
I was going to ask the same thing as Bryan, haha. Good to meet you in person this morning, what a fun event.
Helpful hints, but I admit to chortling somewhat at the “practice small talk” bit–perhaps because I can’t imagine being at a loss for words. But then again, I suppose not everyone is as (obnoxious) chatty as me.
@Brad - very cool. The body language thing resonates with me well.
@Connie - mingling requires lots of fast interactions, and that can be scary. Having a little prep out of the way helps that.
@Lynette - you and your husband left a very good impression with me, so you’re clearly top shelf networkers. Glad you liked the business card idea.
@Seth - come to PodCamp. There will be plenty of people dealing with the same anxiety. We’ll share some tricks right onsight. Promise. (And a little liquid courage can’t hurt, unless you’ve got a drinking problem. : ) )
@Britt - Kindergarten. That makes so much sense. Big fat crayons and all. I get it. Huh, that really puts it in perspective.
@Bryper - no. I didn’t even twitter. Great event.
@Sarah - but even chatting people up becomes an interesting experience, should you suddenly realize some people are doing business versus just being social. It changes your sense of things.
Great conversation, guys. Thank you!
[…] Real Live Human Social Networking : [chrisbrogan.com] Chris Brogan’s take on how to get the most out of a social networking event, like today’s inaugural Social Media Breakfast in Boston. (tags: SocialMediaBreakfast SocialNetworking ChrisBrogan) […]
As the cheery gentleman on the right, I had to say hello and commend you on some great power-networking reminders.
I usually hit the bar first and then try my luck at bad pickup lines. If that doesn’t work, I turn to politics.
I’m a big hit a parties. :)
-jonray
P.S. But seriously, all good advice above. When I’m nervous at a conference, I usually just find the one person that’s more nervous than me and start talking to them. It’s amazing how much better you feel after getting that first person under you belt. I suppose it’s like earning your first million. I wouldn’t know.
Chris, tell us what it’s like to be rich, won’t you? :)
[…] Brogan has a great article on real live social networking in which he discusses the value of “real life social networking” in which he touches on […]
[…] I was accosted more than once by random people who would step to me and introduce themselves — but would immediately launch into their pre-packaged canned spam before I could actually tell them my name. When I stuck out my hand for a shake (while trying to let them know who I was) at least one cat slapped his business card in it instead of reciprocating. Maybe they should read Best Networking Tips and Real Live Human Social Networking. […]
Here’s one I use when I find myself in a conversation with people I am already comfortable with:
When in the usual ‘3-4 people standing in a rough circle’ discussion mode, open up your position in the group so it allows others to join the circle. Even if they are just passing or trying to get to the other side of the room, they may know someone in the circle and will join in for a few minutes. I’m not saying plant a foot in front of them and lay a pick on them, but relax your stance and turn your shoulders to allow room in the circle. This is a pretty easy way to increase the people you meet while speaking with those you are more comfortable with.