The Me Game

September 25, 2008 · Comments

my big head One of the trickiest parts of meeting people in social settings is making that great personal connection that will convince people that you’re genuine, interesting, capable, and someone you want to be around. If you add to this the desire for other people to want to do business with you in the future, it gets even harder. The way most people fail at this, in my perspective, is that they come of as saying “me me me me me” in their first moments of meeting a new person, and this is bound to turn the other person off.

This is every bit as much business as it is nicety. You can be kind because it’s the right thing to do, but if you’re a business person of any flavor, think about all that I’m going to share with you. Because it matters. And those people who are getting by WITHOUT being human in person aren’t going to last all that long in the longer run.

Here are some ways to think about it.

Lead by Being Inclusive

If you see me at a conference, I’ll be the guy with my hand out, shaking with someone and trying to lead them into my little circle of friends, to see if there’s someone you’ll find something in common with amongst the group I’ve gathered together. Why? Because not only do I want to welcome everyone in, but because by adding your brains and fresh eyes to the circle I’ve gathered, it means that there might be even deeper connections that YOU can take and do something with later. I never meet someone that I don’t almost immediately think about someone else they should get to know.

Yes, it’s because I’m a natural connector (Julien and I call this “Connector X” in our six main traits of Trust Agents writing), but it’s also because it’s a great way to get everyone talking at an event. Further, it’s social proof that you’re someone who cares about others. It means that somewhere in your head, you think, “Hey, Chris welcomed me in and I immediately felt like I could approach him.”

THAT’s what you’re looking for, right? You want people to feel that they can approach you in case there’s an opportunity for either side. It means that you care enough about people to invite them into the game. Should you ALWAYS do this? No, there are some exceptions where something is private, but at a conference? Find ways to be inclusive. You can steal private time later.

Make YOUR Introduction Brief, Then Ask Questions

Here’s where you can pick up ground really fast, and where we tend to fall down easiest. Say who you are, and give a firm handshake (or a hug), and make eye contact. Yes, this is SO hard if you’re shy, but if you practice, it gets easier (or it doesn’t – dispute me in the comments, and/or offer your strategies). And then, just say who you are and what you do (or what you’re passionate about, or what you seek the most at the event). Follow this almost immediately with a question that gives the spotlight to the other person (or AN other person in the circle). “How are you finding the conferece?” or “What do you do with the other hours in your day?”

Your questions are where it gets a bit tricky. If you can, come up with a few that are different than “what do you do?” Having a unique question often leads to a unique conversation. Imagine the responses to these:

  • Did you ever win an award for something?
  • Where’s a fun place you’ve visited before?
  • How do you hope attending this event (or this meeting, or whatever) change your life?
  • What’s your irrational fear? Mine is of sharks. (It helps to give them yours first before they have to answer.)
  • If I gave you two million dollars, how would you spend your hours a few months from now?

In all cases, the answers might tell you something about the person. They certainly say a lot about you who’ve offered them up. And, most importantly, they give the other person a chance to talk about themselves.

What naturally happens next is that they want to know more about you. If they don’t, you’ve just learned the other person’s level of self-absorption, at least at that given moment. I sometimes get a bit overwhelmed with meeting lots of new people in a row, and sometimes at those times, I don’t do so well with this one. (We can only try.)

To Avoid: Patting Your Own Back

Even in third party form, “Wired Magazine says I might well be the next William Gibson,” it still sounds like you’re a toolbag calling yourself awesome. Don’t do it. Can I be simpler?

It’s a fine line between making sure someone knows what you’re capable of doing versus hearing your impressive credentials. How do you tell them that your blog is in the top 15 of the Cthulu Society of Charles Dexter Ward without sounding like a braggart? The best way is with a third party present. If you can’t find a way to do that, try your hardest to keep your credentials brief and simple.

Say something more like, “I’m really passionate about H.P. Lovecraft and that’s where I’ve made most of my friends online. People in that community can vouch for me.” It’s like the 3rd party credential above, but doesn’t deliver the payload of bragging.

How Third Parties Help

Another way to make this go a lot smoother is to have a social “wingman” present. Not exactly in that slimy way that guys use to try to pick up girls in bars, but similar in how it gets done. If you meet someone in a social setting with a friend there, that friend can often pay the kinds of compliments or offer the kind of advice that you can’t say about yourself directly. I LOVE talking about other people at social events to a new person.

“This is Jason Falls. Not only is he the social media side brand guy behind Jim Beam, Maker’s Mark and all these other cool brands, but he’s really breaking the mold in how to build relationships using online tools.” That lets the other person know that Jason rocks, that I endorse him, and that there are a few hooks for next steps in the conversation.

You can do this in situations where you don’t much know the newcomer in a different way.

“This is Michael, and we’ve really only just met. What I like most about him so far is that he’s quick to laugh, knows a lot about music, and seems genuinely curious about our space and how to make the best connections.” Notice that I haven’t exactly endorsed him, but I also haven’t damned him. It should give the subtle hint that I’m not really decided on him, but he doesn’t seem like an axe murderer.

A Point of Etiquette

There’s actually a proper way to introduce people in more formal settings. You’re welcome to correct me if I get this wrong, because it’s one of those “stalactite/stalagmite” things in my head.

When you introduce two people, it’s customary to introduce the lesser-known or junior person to the senior person. If I introduce my wife to the President of the United States of America, I’d say, “Honey, I want you to meet Mr. Barack Obama.” (Or that other guy with Sarah Palin.)

As a twist to this, in social settings where we’re all peers, I tend to like to introduce the newer person to the person I’ve known the longest. So, if I introduce someone to Liz Strauss, I’d say, “Dave, you’ve gotta meet my good friend, Liz Strauss. She’s a great community builder, and someone who cares about helping bloggers build businesses. When I have questions about community, Liz is who I ask.”

How This All Adds Up

if you think making connections at events isn’t a part of your business, I’m a bit worried for you. Here’s a secret I only share during speeches (but I think we can keep it between us, right?): businesses are made up of people. There, I said it.

The impression people get of you has to do with many factors, but of those, the ones you can handle the most are the ones you might consider working on for upcoming events and social opportunities. All the work you do online doesn’t add up to much if you can’t leave a good and lasting first impression in person.

So what do you think? Did I miss anything? Would you have other ideas to offer? How do you work at the avoiding the “me game?”

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  • Great post. Well done Chris! :)

    Fabian
  • Chris,
    Your spot on. I think its quite amusing to think of how disconnected people and businesses have been in the past and how the web, more specifically social media, has brought people back together.

    However, one thing that is often forgotten is the power of networking, connecting in person, and letting those connections run their course. Many people aim for the heart and start selling themselves right out of the gate. People value trust much more than credentials in most cases. Trust is earned through a little time and genuine consideration for those your are connecting with.

    Great article.
  • Great post! I wanted to add a piece of advice for the shy people. Believe it or not, I an inherently shy person, and have had to work hard to overcome this. Part of me still finds it difficult to walk right up to someone in a social or business setting and introduce myself. My technique is "mind over matter". When I feel that shy little girl creeping up from inside, I catch it, and then start to talk myself out of the behaviour. Really, there is no other way around it than to suck it up and just go for it, stick that hand out and say hello. In my experience, it has never once been as bad as what I make up in my head. You are right, Chris: practice makes perfect so all you shy people, get out there and start shaking some hands!
  • Chris,
    I really got a lot from this post. I'm a lot like Susan, I tend to be pretty shy in social settings. Thing is, I really like people and am truly interested in who they are and what they are up to. I think what you said about asking questions is great.

    It has become a lot easer for me sinse I've turned the focus from my own discomfort to just wondering what someone is like.

    I've asked more forward friends to introduce me if I'm feeling really uncomfortable.

    Or if all else fails I try and find the person that looks even more uneasy than me and start talking with them. My nature is to not want anyone to feel ill at ease so I can over ride my own feelings to help someone else.
    Rachel
  • Hey Chris - agree with everything...the one suggestion I would add is - you don't have to try and meet everyone at a particular conference. Sometimes it's nice just to sit back, listen, and take it all in. :)
  • One issue that I think a lot of people face is NOT being able to go to conferences (for what ever the reason)

    This obviously is a huge wall to clime, but there has to be a way to scale it.

    Chris, have you run into people like this before? What are they doing to overcome the challenge? How can a deeper connection be made?

    Btw, I love the practical advice. I think it all boils down to having a desire and curiosity to know others - if a person has this and add some tools/techniques then they have a good chane to be successful.
    __
    http://twitter.com/franswaa
  • Great stuff. I got invited to a conference next year at which I'll be able to do lots of networking... but after working at home for so long, I'm afraid I'll be overwhelmed!

    However, your post reminded me what I've done in the past to overcome shyness: focus on what I (probably) have in common with other people - be it parenting or passion for my niche - and go from there. Not always easy because I'm an awkward small-talker, but I've found most people more forgiving than I would otherwise have anticipated.
  • Great tips Chris, everyone keeps forgetting that for the most part, no one cares what you are saying unless it directly relates to them.

    Note to everyone: keep your stories short please!

    On the other side, in terms of making a connection, there is always something you can find in common with people.
  • I totally believe in getting out there to network, in fact it is how I've made most of my money and sponsorships. Plus, I think meeting others in the same field that I write about or have similar interests just makes the world a happy place.

    There's something to be said about just being nice, and that is what you're really getting at, right? Let the person you are conversing with know that you are interested in THEM.

    My grandma always said, "You can catch more flies with honey than lemon." Boy, was she right. Don't be a soupuss, people. Get out there and meet each other.

    Great points in your post.

    twitter.com/cajun_mama
  • Great post! I couldn't agree more about being genuine and inclusive to everyone had a conference. I feel that in order to make long term impressions on people you have to be the smart, articulated, and fun person that you are. Definitely takes some time to build up the courage, but it comes.
  • PS. Great Pics :)
  • It is easy to "be intimidated" at events and I still get butterflies BUT....I always ACT the way I would want to be approached. Open smiles and ask open ended questions to get the other person talking.....I'm NOT selling ...I'm establishing a relationship-a connection that will be remembered b/c I took the time to engage this person instead of being a wallflower or "in sell mode" ! :)
  • The bottom line is we as a society have lost our ability to truly connect --- as people. No where is it more obvious that this is the case then at networking events and conferences. People have a tendency to rush the connection by throwing out the "so what do you do" mindset and the obligatory business card handover long before establishing sufficient rapport and connection with someone.

    When attending events I would see power networkers work a room and come away with lots of business cards but little substance and even less understanding of the people they had met. I would in turn connect with much fewer people (say like one or two) but I would try get to know the people first and allow the business "reveal" to happen naturally.

    Connecting comes down to understanding and appreciating your very valid point - business is made up of, not companies, not business cards, not sales agendas, not transactions - but people.

    Connect with the person first and humanize the process and watch what happens. There will always be time for business later.

    Excellent post Chris!

    Ripple On!!!
  • Chris - very nice post. This is advanced conference / networking event information and intelligence at its best.

    Personally, I find the best one of all of these is listening and taking a genuine interest in the person to whom you're talking. They'll remember you, and they'll have a positive feeling about you. By taking a genuine interest, you'll avoid the "me game," too.

    One area where a lot of people fail, though, is follow-up. I've actually written an article on it, it's at http://www.scribd.com/doc/3215681/Follow-Up-For... .

    (Chris: I hope you don't mind me linking to it; I usually don't do that kind of thing in my posts, but in this case, it really seems like a natural follow-up [speaking of follow-up]. If you think it is too much, go ahead and delete it - I won't object.)

    Thanks for a great post.
  • I think it'd be great to have a guest post by someone who deals with being very shy at events, including the coping skills you use to accomplish meeting folks and the like. I can't write it because I'm not exactly shy any more. Sometimes I am, but it's not the same. Would love a guest post on it.

    And I guess I could've talked a bit more about how quantity isn't everything. I have a friend who networks as if she's trying to play tag. She touches every hand in the place, but I doubt she remembers more than a third of the people's names.

    Me? I'll remember over 66% of your names, and I'll probably accidentally introduce myself one more time before fulling remembering where I met you. It comes with all the traveling. If I see you at a second conference, it will throw off where I think I met you, and thus throw off my head a bit.
  • Chris, great post. I am currently at a conference and the one thing I did that made it overly succesful was.. I preconnected with at least 2 people before I arrived. I googled the event and found the list of speakers. Using linked in I found a few of their profiles. I called the keynote speaker and scheduled a vodcast with him. I found an active blogger and we connected before the show. I found him before he was ever going to present, but when he advised me that he had been asked to present it only made the connect more valuable.
    Upon arrival at the conference I had two people wanting to meet me and in turn was introduced to many others.
    It all paid off by gaining interview access to all the speakers.
    Be a conference guerilla and do your homework before you ever get there weeks before.
  • I wouldn't necessarily say I'm shy, but I am definitely an introvert so sometimes I can get a little overwhelmed with the thought of "all those people" at a conference. So, I make myself a goal to start or join conversations with at least 3-4 people each day. For me, that is enough to get me talking without becoming that annoying guy/gal who is "networking" (i.e. carpet-bombing the convention with their business cards.)

    Also, my friend Liz always ends our conversations with "What can I help you with?" Might not work if you're talking with a group of people, but it's really effective one-on-one. "Wow, I'm talking with a real person who is interested in me/my work and wants to help. Awesome!"
  • Chris,
    Really good, frank and true piece -- thanks for writing. It reminded me of something I've been thinking about a lot lately: the open, transparent and inclusive norms and etiquette of social media are impacting our behaviors--and thus the culture--of the offline world. The honest, friendly and helping culture of my social network conversations and interactions makes me happier, friendlier and more helpful to others offline. This comes back to some of the concept of ambient intimacy that Clive Thompson wrote about a few weeks ago in his NY Times article, "I'm So Digitally Close to You."
  • Katie Bessiere
    I find that I have my best luck at conferences by finding a point of common interest and initiating a conversation about that, rather than just the usual meet and greet. The only problem with this is that sometimes people don't have time for a long intellectual discussion of the merits of some obscure point, so that is when broaching the topic and then following up with them elsewhere is useful. I avoid all mention of what I do or what my company does, unless asked, and just try to focus on the meat of the matter at hand and leave the social kowtowing for later. People seem to appreciate a real discussion in the midst of all the handshaking, I find.

    One thing I think is crucial as well: you have to know how to read the person you're approaching, as well. This is a skill that takes time and practice. Approaching someone when they are quite obviously trying to get out of the room, or they've just been inundated with 36 other people, is just pointless in my opinion. Wait til a more appropriate time, take their cues as to what they are and are not interested in doing/talking about, and go from there.
  • Hi Chris,

    A great post - only today I was at a meetup and I could of used some of the mentioned tips.

    Well there will be plenty more to come, so I'll keep these as a mental note for later on.

    Simon, http://twitter.com/webshark
  • I would rather meet a handful of people and get to know them than leave a conference with a big stack of business cards.

    I recommend that people go to conferences with an idea of the people they want to meet if that's why they are going - whether that means individuals (for instance, I hope to someday get to know Chris Brogan but our paths have not crossed to make that happen) or else types of people (fellow Masons, for example, or others who consider Kurt Vonnegut a step-grandfather). If you go with some list like that you can be targeted in your efforts.

    Also, be prepared to meet people you are not aiming for. Life throws some really fun curveballs in the form of people you get to meet along your path. You never know who you will connect with. Be open to it and have a good time.

    Be genuine. Listen to people and talk to them about their interests and they will want to talk about yours. Can we work together? Maybe. Do I know someone who might want to meet? Probably. Let's talk about it and figure something out.

    Don't worry about those people who are all credential and no substance. They will crash and burn on their own. Big hat, no cattle - it never ends well.

    Frank asked how to deal with not being able to go to conferences? That's tough, but if you have an idea of people you want to meet, you can contact them directly and see what you can work out. Maybe one or the other of you will be traveling nearby and you can get together. Phone and email are even better sometimes because they show that you really want to connect, rather than simply taking advantage of a convenient opportunity.
  • thePRmaven
    Thank you for the great post! Going into networking situations, I try to listen well to others and be myself. Sounds simple, but it's important!

    It is helpful to arrive well equipped: business cards, up-to-date current event knowledge in your "back pocket," a great attitude and a well honed elevator speech about "what you do."

    Also, sometimes the most off-the-wall conversations are the most memorable, so it's fun to let the conversation steer itself (and bring it back around when appropriate).

    Thanks, Chris!
  • Good article, Chris. I'm one of the shy people who finds it difficult to introduce myself to people I don't know in those settings. I did surprise myself at a trade show a few months ago by being able to talk easily with attendees and other vendors. Maybe being able to talk about my products was a good lead-in.
  • I agree with Brandon! I recently research speakers for an event I was attending. One I felt I would have connected with VERY well on a personal level. When said speaker didn't show I initiated contact to share how disappointed I was we didn't get to meet and gave our potential connection as a reason. The response I received was an invitation to personally meet! Since then the speaker has blogged about me AND connected me with many potential clients.

    Rarely are you ever at an event which you can't find another person standing alone. I like to help those who are possibly shy by engaging them rather than letting them stand alone in their shyness.

    "What pains you the most about ____ (your job, company, industry etc)?" Is one of my favorite questions. Even better if I can recommend someone to ease that pain or suggest a tool to simplify. I'd rather help three people than "meet" ten!

    Create an amazing day!
  • Great post Chris

    One of the trickiest parts of meeting people in social settings is making that great personal connection that will convince people that you’re genuine, interesting, capable, and someone you want to be around. If you add to this the desire for other people to want to do business with you in the future, it gets even harder.

    I think you said it right here in the beginning, and here's the thing; if you're not genuine, interesting, capable, someone people want to be around or someone that the person might want to do business with, then it's going to be pretty difficult to "convince" anyone that you are. And if you do, then you're not being genuine, right?

    That said, let's assume you are all, or at least some of those things. I find that building relationships is best done in one of two ways - through meaningful conversations or through an introduction by a third party. Most of the meaningful connections I've made at events are with people who I happened to engage in lengthier conversations with. When you've had a real conversation with someone, beyond just a hand shake, there are associations formed between your name, your face, and the topic of conversation. I meet a lot of people and I often find it difficult to remember all of the names, and even faces often escape me. But if I've had a conversation with someone about something I care about I will remember them every single time.

    Also, what you said about a social wingman is so true. That's invaluable. Just as word of mouth is the #1 factor in decision making for purchase consideration, I believe that's the case in most situations. If I'm introduced to someone via another person who's opinion I trust, they are automatically elevated to a certain level of quality in my mind. And likewise, if I'm introduced via a third party to someone I find the quality of the interaction is usually greater.

    I think making sure to extend the relationship both during and after the event is equally important. If you have an interesting conversation with someone, show them you value them by following them then and there on Twitter from your phone, and when you get back make sure you add the people you're interested in maintaining relationships with on the appropriate networking site, if you're taking photos upload and tag them, or follow up via email. I find the value of relationships increases exponentially by maintaining them as they shift from online to offline.
  • Great tips Chris. I'm sure these could be useful to people in all sorts of networking situations.
  • Chris has done a remarkable job in showing how to navigate that difficult minefield, “the first meeting at an event.” And Chris, you haven’t missed much. Let me add some frosting to this already rich cake.

    1) Before you go to an event set a goal to meet some new people just to meet them – you never know where that will lead;

    2) Set a second goal to meet the top 2-3 people who might become business for you, for someone you know or become a resource for someone you want to help;

    3) Contact those you know who will be going to the event and ask them who they think might be the best bets for your two sets of goals. Ask them to make an initial introduction. With many events now you can check the on-line registration and do some research yourself using individual’s website links.

    4) When you arrive, stop at the rest room and look in the mirror. Look yourself straight in the eye and tell yourself the event is about making good connections, not closing a sale. People want to do business with people they like. Until they know you, they can’t like you. Remember the 3 V’s of marketing – visibility (they gotta’ know you’re there), viability (there has to be WIIFM for everyone in each interaction/transaction, valu-ability (value comes from trusting and being able to risk with someone else. Become valuable and there are no limits.)

    5) Connect with your people and get those introductions they promised.

    6) Break the room into quadrants. Identify at least 1 person in each to at least meet and greet.

    7) You won’t always get it right and you won’t always connect. Mistakes happen. Beating yourself up about them is a waste of time and energy. Besides, you can’t know the frame of mind of every person you meet. If you meet someone who (unbeknownst to you) has just lost a job or a significant other or a pet, or had some other calamity impact their life – but they had to be at the event – you may get a cool reception or a rebuff. It’s not about you. Get over it.

    8) “Businesses,” as Chris said, “are made up of people.” Just like relationships. We all want to be recognized and appreciated – then do business.

    9) Always follow up and acknowledge the meeting with a personal note (electronic or snail) that’s really personal. People can usually tell the difference.

    10) Social networking is a lot like good PR. It starts with initial visibility then sometimes a hiatus occurs before something else happens. But each contact takes on a life of its own, so keep connecting and building relationships. You never know when the phone will ring.

    John Reddish www.getresults.com
  • This explains so much of how you acted at blogworld. And it makes perfect sense! You even introduced me to Liz Strauss that way!
  • I like the mosaic of many-Chris Brogans! Great way to attract attention for this post. Kind of reminds me of Eric Conveys an Emotion. =D
  • I like what your getting at here because it tempers the danger of inflation and self importance when practicing the craft of personal branding in real life situations.
  • Definitely a turn off when people give you the speech about themselves and don't care to ask anything of you.

    Great point with the wingman too!
  • Lots of great tips in this post, each of which is a subject in itself. When I go events I find I do get more from them if I choose the event carefully, have a clear idea of what my objectives are for the event. I think a key thing is to be genuinely interested in other people (you can tell if it's fake) and less interested in getting their business. Go with the aim "how may I help you?" rather than "what business can I get?" Make people feel they are important.

    People love to talk about themselves and knowing that I try to encourage that as much as I can. For one thing it takes the spotlight off me. For another, when they do ask I can respond and perhaps pinpoint a problem they've highlighted.

    If they are in business a great question to ask is about challenges their industry may be facing (or has faced) and how they are coping.Listen carefully and you can pick up all sorts of tips as to either how you may be able to help or how someone you know may be able to help.

    I both give and get business cards. I can't possibly remember everyone's name and business, so I write something on their cards to remind me, like a conversation we may have had. But it's no good just taking a card...follow up with a note or email afterwards, to keep the connection alive.

    On inclusion, it's VERY important to scan the room and look for people who may be standing on the outside or who look uncertain, and make an effort to include them in on-going conversations and introduce them to others. I find not enough of that happens - some people do find it harder than others to break into the exclusive little "huddles." Perhaps we need more Chris-like people at events!

    Personally, if I don't know anyone at an event I'll walk up to a group and introduce myself and then ask everyone in the group who they are and what they're getting from the conference/event. I'll do this several times, so I don't stay too long in one group but can try and meet other people. I used to wait on the sidelines for an intro...until I found you could wait forever. I find the direct approach is far more effective.

    And if you have a target of making, say 3 new connections, even if you meet two (and you are likely to meet more) it's an accomplishment you can feel good about.
  • Hi Chris, excellent post and all very true. Its very opportune for me to have read this post now - in 4 weeks time I am relocating to Palo Alto (where I know hardly anyone) to start a new Internet business. Networking will be important and I'll take these points with me. Thanks again.
  • Great post, Chris.

    Something that immediately comes to mind for me, as someone who feels pretty awkward in new situations without that social wingman by my side, is to jump in with both feet to get past the awkwardness. If I can get by that initial moment of panic and start a conversation with someone new, then it's all easy from there (except for avoiding talking about myself too much... that's hard, I've found).

    Oh, and if there's a sing-a-long in the hallway and you feel like singing, you should sing. That's my other bit of crazy advice. I enjoyed all of my time at PodCamp Boston this summer, but the moment that I felt most like a part of the group was when we all sang "Mr. Jones" in the hallway.

    I think there's some way to apply that bit of advice to other situations (besides singing), but I'm running out of gas and can't come up with it.
  • Well put! Not to being too sarcastic here but, there was a dude running around about 2000 years ago that kind of had the right attitude.

    Do things with the other person in mind, not yourself, and you'll end up being the beneficiary...
  • Marvin
    I've been doing things like this for years, but this is the first time I've seen a "formalized" description. You've done a great job of describing the process!!!
  • Very authentic (sorry for the use of the buzzword).
    I can say for myself that Chris doesn't just talk the talk but also practices what he preaches about in the article.

    I saw Chris in a very busy environment last weekend and he just stayed amazingly accessible. He is a great offline communicator as well and doesn't need to hide in a dungeon behind a screen;-)

    I wish this post could be published on a big billboard on sunset Boulevard in Hollywood. These guys need it the most.
  • Hey Chris - it was great reading this, especially after I watched you exemplify it at the TechSet party on the first night of BlogWorld. You were one of the people I met that stuck out in my mind.
  • Excellent post.

    And an excellent reminder of why I both adore you and am envious of you in a way that would be mean and petty if I didn't already adore you so much.
    You managed to put into words something I've done for years, but never bothered to put into words.

    I absolutely love, love, love connecting interesting people to interesting people. I'd rather introduce someone to someone else than to talk about myself... I guess maybe I need to add connector to my self-defined job description.

    The thing is? I've found that I learn so much more about myself talking with others about what *they* do then I ever do talking about me. It's like teaching in that way.

    Still though - I think there's a line somewhere that I'm still trying to find - that one where I'm not actually providing the other person with enough information about myself.
    I mean, if you and I are both busy asking each other questions rather than giving answers, no information is shared either.

    But as usual, you've hit another home run Chris! :)

    p.s. I met both Liz & Jason at BWE as well and you are spot on! ;) They rock!
  • Ruben Q
    Chris, great post! To add to this, I always look for cues to pick up on if I start talking too much. Wandering eyes, confusion, etc. That is when I revert back to asking them questions and trying to reengage them.
  • Great post indeed. You just got a new follower!
  • Chris, I really enjoyed this post and there is a lot of truth to what you say. Bringing someone into a conversation where they feel included is especially important to people like me who are introverts.

    Also, there are too many people out there who do not have well developed listening skills and so you are introducing yourself and they are only half listening because they are actually looking to see if there is someone who is more connected (they don't want to miss out on that opportunity). Not only is this rude but it doesn't make the other person feel very good.

    Thanks for being so aware and it's also important that we all realize (me included) that life really isn't about me me me. We all have a responsibility to help each other. Together we accomplish so much more. www.twitter.com/avilbeckford
  • Shelly
    Social settings are hard for me. I always hear about great conferences and such that I would love to go to, but I don't because when I do, I usually end up by myself somewhere, feeling like a social reject. :)

    My issue is I'm a "watcher". I have a great sense of humor - and perhaps a little on the crude side, very sarcastic, and it's a bit dry. Many times, people take me seriously when they really shouldn't. So instead of just popping in and being me, I tend to "watch" others so I know who I can be "me" with - because sometimes I'm a lot to take.

    This leads to many people thinking I'm a shy wallflower, or standoffish. I have yet to find that good middle ground where I can smile and say one of the many jokes that just popped into my head because you really laid a golden path for me by that last comment, and shoving my foot so far down my throat that the stomach acid has eaten away my toes. I love connecting with people - but it just seems to be really hard for me. (Could be because I've moved to Yankee country from the South, and honestly folks, you all aren't the most approachable people up here. When I first moved up here, I was driving to my house and saw a neighbor walking down the street. I waved at him with a smile as I drove by. He looked at me like I was going to jump out of the car and beat him to death. I mean, really...what's that about?!?)

    You can be my wingman anytime Chris. ;)

    Oh, by the way - best "breaking the ice" game ever: "I Never". Talk about starting up some interesting conversations. LOL But if you ever get a chance to play that game, you totally should. You might learn some things you didn't want to know!
  • I really admire how prolific you are, Chris! And what a great topic. While I'm by nature practically a hermit, I've forced myself to learn how to be a more social person and it's actually not as scary as those irrational fears make you think (hey, at least I'm not at a conference of spiders, right?)

    Same rules apply to conferences as to social media -- be friendly, be authentic, and say what you gotta' but not more.
  • Great post Chris. While most of the time we all have the best of intentions when approaching others in a social/networking setting, it's important to refresh on the connectivity points you mention. These are great guidelines for those entering an unfamiliar atmosphere or for those who are simply shy or somewhat intimidated. Another one for MCC circulation--thanks Chris!
  • Shelly, I too am a "watcher" for many of the same reasons (except it takes a longer time for my sense of humor to come out). Where in Yankee country are you? We are trying to move south, ironically, but if you are anywhere near me (northern New England) maybe we should try to get together?
  • Chris - i hope I passed the test at BlogWorld! I did have Louis Gray as my wingman which probably helped. ;) I would also add that especially in the case where one of the people may think that you want something from them (publicity, business opportunity, etc)one shouldn't be clingy. I prefer to go for long term relationships which means they can start slow and grow. I guess i did okay at BlogWorld as I came home with a ridiculous stack of business cards.
  • Morning Chris,

    We're all so muddled down in theories, reports, metrics and numbers that often the most simple and practical advice resonates as the most profound. So, thank you.

    As a self-described wall-flower, it can be very difficult to "intrude" into the clicks that seem to form at conferences. The secret -- in my experience -- is people are very welcoming and open (just like in social networking) to authenticity, humility and passion.

    Regards,
    Bill Gaffney
  • Great tips, Chris. Sometimes getting back to the basics is what it's really all about. I appreciate your sharing. And as someone who was recently DEFINITELY odd man out at a party, I appreciated when folks pulled me in. People like friendly, open people.
  • Great information, Chris. Thank you! I've not been to a conference but can see how this will work at other business mixers.
  • Just read this from a link on a later post. How did you EVER get away with calling her wife the "junior person" in the following? How long have you been married to this woman and why has she not left you after this blog post?

    "When you introduce two people, it’s customary to introduce the lesser-known or junior person to the senior person. If I introduce my wife to the President of the United States of America, I’d say, 'Honey, I want you to meet Mr. Barack Obama.'

    Every married guy knows that his wife is NEVER junior or lesser-known to ANYONE, not even the President of the United States of America. Sorry, Chris, you got that one wrong :-)
  • Hey Chris, coming in a little late on this comment but found this article as I'm doing research for my new post. I think the article is right on! It's not always about you, it's about your clients, friends, families, etc. If you make a good a impression you'll have plenty of time to disclose whatever information that is pertinent. I look forward to seeing you at the So Cal Action Sports event.
  • Hi Chris-- You've really captured some of the techniques and philosophy behind an us-centered approach to conferences. I've learned that at conferences, doing leads to understanding, so even if you don't 'get' why you'd act these ways, once you start doing it, you get it. And, it puts you in a really good mood too.

    One small adjustment, etiquette-wise: One asks the senior person's permission to introduce the junior person. You treat the senior person as the one who gets to decide whether or not to accept the introduction. So, it's "Ms. President, may I introduce Senator x". Introductions go up the hierarchy. And dessert spoons go horizontally above the plate. :-)
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