The next time you’re at a conference, and if you haven’t met me, I want you to try something. The rest of you who don’t intend to meet me, have already met me, or who just want to know what I’m getting at, stay tuned. Here’s the thing: you’ve gotta work on how you present yourself. There’s so much value inside you (okay, MOST of you). You’re really loaded with interesting things, and sure, maybe some of us have to pare down some of what we want to share, but let’s just look at this a moment together. You’ve gotta be sexier in person.
Disclaimer
None of this is meant towards any particular person that I’ve met in the last several years. Instead, it’s meant towards me, some of you, and some people I observe in social settings. If you’ve recently met me, I don’t mean you.
Confidence
If I stopped this post now, that’d be enough. If you don’t present yourself as confident, you’re already off on the wrong foot. It’s that simple. Why? Because I need to believe that you have value as you’re coming up to talk with me at the event. I have to feel that you’re pretty comfy with who you are as a person, and you’re looking to reach out and make new relationships to further develop your capabilities and ideas.
If you don’t have confidence right off, here are some tips: think about the three things that someone who’s really proud of who you are would say about you. Don’t tell ME these things, but have them in your mind. If you’re worried how the other person might receive you, stop. Instead, believe with all your heart that you deserve to be there, that you’re smart, that you are just as important.
And you know what? If the person you’re meeting you, after all that, STILL treats you like crap, then you smile politely, walk away, and flush that out of your head as fast as you can, because it’s definitely not you.
Be Brief
Here’s a spot where pretty much everybody could learn a lesson. I need reminders of this all the time. What happens is something like this: we make connection, we talk with someone we like, and we accidentally worry that the other person won’t know we’re smart, funny, useful, whatever. It’s almost like we’re drowning and we have to say everything, in case we never meet again.
Stay brief. Don’t ramble. Be confident that your small elevator pitch as to who you are, what you’re into, and why you’re happy to connect is enough. Believe with all your heart that you’ll have time to unpack what it is you need to say.
Finish Strong
Sometimes, everything goes great, but then people don’t know when to break off the conversation and go meet new folks. Why? Because maybe that’s all there was. If the person wants you to stay, they’ll usually give you indications of that. If they are all done with the conversation, and pay really close attention, they will give body language that says this. Truly. Just keep your eyes open, and you’ll get a sense of when to scram. Don’t scram earlier than that (unless you have to go). That’ll show a lack of confidence.
Some Bonus Round Material
A few more thoughts:
- “What do you do?” isn’t as sexy a question as “what are you working on that’s fun?”
- Yes, your breath matters.
- Dress how you want to be perceived. (I dress in what I call “rockstar casual,” half because I like it, and half because I’m too broke to dress the way I might.
- If you’re not sure what conversation is appropriate, practice with friends ahead of events and gatherings. (I say inappropriate things all the time).
- Remember that there are still boundaries between what’s too personal and what’s not, and yet, please try to be human.
- Remember that conversation is about more than one person. Breathe. Leave room.
What advice to you have? For me, for others? What have you noticed about your fears to meet others, or maybe we should talk about success stories and horror stories?
Chris Brogan is President of New Marketing Labs, a new media marketing agency. He works with large and mid-sized companies to improve online business communications like marketing and PR.
Great post Chris, I passed it on (with same title) to my favorite business networking site, biznik.
Personally, I tend to fluctuate from uber confident to uber insecure and rambly (like our first phone call!) Hope ya’ll catch me on a good day ;)
Hmm, didn’t post the first time.
Great thoughts Chris. Always easier to breathe knowing you’re not alone in a struggle.
I poster your article over at my favorite Business networking site (Bizik.com), as I think they’d really like it.
Personally, I range between uber confident to uber insecure and talkative (like our first phone conversation!) Hope others of you meet me on a good day ;)
-Leif
As someone that has been trying to work on this very thing recently, I loved this post. Attending SOBCon this year was a great, although somewhat awkward, experience for me. As Steve mentioned earlier, I tend to be very reserved as I question what I have to offer to the people that I am meeting.
Practice really does help though, as I felt much more comfortable at a recent Tweetup that I attended. I’m looking for more opportunities to practice and it has actually been fun.
Chris, at SOBCon you had commented that you had been staring at the back of my head for the better part of the day. The next time I have the opportunity to meet you, I will give these tips a try and actually introduce myself to you, lol.
@Derek – at least you hav a handsome back of head. : )
@chrisbrogan this is an extremely awesome post. it’s something i’ve been talking about a lot lately to women and people in junior positions at my workplace. depending on how you were raised, or what your cultural background is the confidence one can be difficult. just the art of approaching people, or even knowing who to approach. i do believe that sites like facebook, twitter, and now friendfeed have helped take off some of the awkward edge of what happens in person. which brings me to…
@Anne talked about how important the online brand was as well. maybe this will help, for women who tech, myself, megan fitzgerald of career by choice, and angie chang of women 2.0 did a preso on tooting your own horn. it’s not the face-to-face stuff, but some points, such as staying true to your brand have as much importance in person as it does online. here’s a slideshare link in case anyone is interested http://www.slideshare.net/lynneluvah/build-your-brand/
Gotta tell you, the title really drew me into this post.
Reading article’s like this one inflame my gout.
D+
Chris – It was nice meeting you at the conference. This is a really great post as I watched a lot of this happening with folks who haven’t learned how to network.
It’s natural for human nature to be a bit insecure when you first meet someone. I’m outgoing once you know me but that opening hello is still tough.
But my coming up and introducing myself to you and Valeria at the MP B2B conference took courage, but not as much if we hadn’t interacted in social media first. It gave me a conversation starter. I don’t think I would have even attempted it if we hadn’t started the conversation online.
Once I’m in the social event, moving on is pretty easy for me. I just remind people I’m there to meet folks, so once we’ve had a chance to connect, I excuse myself with “Nice meeting you. Let’s connect again to chat more. Time to mingle!”
Chris:
This one was excellent. I’m very aware of body language for obvious reasons (for those who don’t know me, I’m deaf) and nothing bugs me more than a pair of shifty eyes that tell me the person I’m conversing with is looking for the “next best thing” and standing there just to look busy for the moment.
Like you, I love meeting people and b/c of my level of awareness, I give 100 percent of my attention on the person speaking to me becuase that’s how I want to be treated.
Sure, it pays to watch the other person’s body language to figure out how much longer you should continue the conversation before moving on to the next person. But I’ll tell ya, if a person’s eyes start getting shifty, it’s time to move on politely. “Nice to meet you with a handshake would suffice’ and move on.
Great post. Your humor comes through very clearly!
p.s.
I agree 100 percent that confidence without arrogance is a big place. It radiates positive energy. Imagine speaking to a confident person who gives 100 percent of his/her attention on you. What a powerful combo!
Nudity is also eye-catching and memorable. Not enough people realize that at conferences.
Chris, it might be helpful to understand that engaging with others is often a matter of whether or not your “home base” is extraversion or introversion. Extraverts are quite comfortable engaging, while it’s the introverted nature to wait to be engaged. Knowing that you are wired that way, and need to move into your non-preferntial side, may help in the doing of it, in a social setting. Much like being right handed vs left handed. It’s a preference we’re born with…but both are within our personality. It’s our job as we grow up to tap into those non-preferential parts of our personality we need to use in social settings.
So you mean I should wear a low cut dress? Got it. Thanks.
Just kidding! Sorry I had to…
Sometimes in life we need to hear what we already know! This was stated very well. Thanks again for your insight!!
Thanks for the insight. I network in person quite often and the only thing I would add to your comments is understand that you are not there to SELL someone at that event. You are there to serve and give. Find out how you can help those you meet. As Zig Ziglar says ” If you help enough people get what they want , you will automatically get what you want” -I am hear to say that works!
Thank you!
I got to meet author Jay Asher last week. As I shook his hand, I was thinking, “Wow…Jay Asher!”
Then I suddenly stood up a little straighter, because I realized–Y’know what?…I’m *mousewords.*
;-)
I think a great way to ensure you are ‘sexier in person’ is either not to have any photos on the internet, or to have very ugly photos floating. That way you are bound to look better in person ;-)
Great post!
In my younger days, I was very good at taking the initiative and meeting and connecting with people. I think I was more ambitious then…lol! But after becoming a wife and mom, I have kind of shied away from this endeavor. However, I now own my own business and am aggressively trying to build relationships. I have started attending conferences and I realize I am very rusty and somewhat shy when meeting people. I am attending a conference next week and I will surely use your suggestions to make valuable connections.
Thanks so much for sharing!
I would love to see “rockstar casual” defined. :-) Great suggestions!
One way of getting out of a conversation;
“I am sorry to interup, but I see someone that I have been meaning to catch up with and I do not want to miss the opportunity” and excuse yourself. You can invite the person to join you and they usually don’t.
I think confidence is what is always the sexiest and most interesting to most people. I find that people are drawn to you if you just put yourself out there as your own best asset. Guess that is why I named my blog that … Showing Off My Ass-ets.
You could always watch this guy and do the opposite:
http://pl.youtube.com/watch?v=OXNwnulkPVQ
How to get out of conversation:
1. when a pause in the diatribe permits… quickly summarize what it is they are saying,
2. thank them for the information,
3. offer intent to follow up/catch up more later etc.
4. handshake, nod, bump elbows or fists/chests, kiss cheeks, tip your hat whatever the setting/culture prefers
5. continue on with your life
Anything else is just plain rude and sends the wrong msg. Unless, of course, you have the guts for straight up honesty.
for example:
“hey, great talking to you i need a drink now because all you just said bored the pants off me”
“wow, i need to pee so bad… so i didn’t hear a word of your story because my bladder is so full from the beer i chugged after talking to that last boring person”
“hmmm, let me pretend I see someone I know, because an invisible person is better than continuing to talk to you”
You mention the “elevator pitch.” It’s important to develop this pitch, practice it, and periodically revise it as you and your experiences grow and change. Also practice questions that replace “And what do you do?” so that you don’t have to think of one off the cuff.
Awesome post Chris! Talk about an issue that hits home with everyone!
I think you hit it right on about feeling/being sexy in person. It’s as simple as remembering how you feel when wearing your favorite outfit vs. something that’s uncomfortable or isn’t your first choice. When going to an event, wear what makes you feel good and powerful.
I think it’s very easy to sink into the unease of meeting new people, especially those “Internet celebrities” (not naming names! (^; ) on Twitter, Facebook, blogs, etc. The transparency of these tools allow people to see fan numbers, how many respond to posts, etc. It can be intimidating to meet these folks in person. What goes through my mind certainly is how the heck I could carry on a truly interesting conversation with someone who’s an industry influencer and is surrounded by brilliant people on a daily basis. Sometimes it feels as though the regular approaches just aren’t enough.
In general, I agree with Isle — listening is key, really listening, not just thinking about what you’re going to say next. I think people do like talking about themselves, especially when the other person is genuinely interested. Don’t worry if you aren’t able to fit something in about yourself — maybe save that for the follow up. (^:
Definitely a post to refer back to, thanks Chris!
great advice. I’d throw in that information is power. If you know there’s a person you want to meet, find out what makes them a “person” (vs. a target) ahead of time (i.e. check out their profiles on LinkedIn, Facebook, twitter, recent blog posts, etc.). I never thought my sports PR career would connect so well to high-tech, but being able to chat about something other than job/career helps develop relationships that last more than just that first encounter.
thanks again for sharing your thoughts. Luh-ove all the other feedback/comments as well! – @eskeymo
I think it also helps to remember that everybody feels the same and carries the same insecurities and apprehension; everybody is just trying to advance themselves and their businesses like you are. (doubters, just read this thread). If we lighten up and approach the situation giving others a break, perhaps we’re more likely to lighten up and give ourselves a break too…thereby freeing us up to be the confident, interesting…and sexy…people we know we are. Nice post, Chris.
Lots of helpful information here, including the comments! I’d add this: Before you approach someone, know your purpose and what you want to talk about. I work in the outdoor sports industry, and I regularly have people ask for appointments or approach me on the show floor, then stand there as if waiting for me to tap-dance. Awkward all around. If the purpose is simply to say hello, meet the person, and shake hands, that’s fine. Do that, make a moment of small talk if you wish, then move on. Don’t wait for them to entertain you.
To answer your question, how to peel out of conversations when you’re done and the other person is not? I look discretly around and try to find somebody I could introduce the person I am talking to.
Do what aussies do:
Being sexy: have a beer
End a conversation: Yell out ‘hey’, and walk away
How to maintain a conversation: keep asking questions about the other person, make them feel sexy.
Burp.
Fun article. Something tells me the “Breath Matters” is directed to either someone in particular, or several people. I see why you put the disclaimer. Good stuff as usual.
So thrilled you wrote this post. Breath mints, unlike cologne, can never graduate to the “offensive” classification. You're breath can never be so fresh that it offends others, but your cologne and perfume can.
Chris,
All excellent points. For some people, face to face comes naturally. For others, simply practicing face to face by going to a variety of events (not just in your industry) and seeking out conversation will build confidence. For many, too much time electronically communicating detracts from live personal skills. Reading a person's body language, listening to their tone and content are quite different than replying to an e-communication. There's no replacement for just getting out there and approaching people.
Chris,
All excellent points. For some people, face to face comes naturally. For others, simply practicing face to face by going to a variety of events (not just in your industry) and seeking out conversation will build confidence. For many, too much time electronically communicating detracts from live personal skills. Reading a person's body language, listening to their tone and content are quite different than replying to an e-communication. There's no replacement for just getting out there and approaching people.
Confidence goes a long way when it comes to face to face.
I'll admit that lately I'm one of the people Mike T is talking about who has been spending too much time communicating online.
Eye Contact, Active listening skills, some repetition, and owning your own work are some other points you can add here too.
Chris – I just found this post when I did a search for personal branding and social media. What a nice surprise that this was the first result. I'm going to SXSWi for the first time and this is great advice to keep in mind when I'm there. Thanks.
Really glad I stumbled on this the day before SXSW starts! Now I'm looking forward more than ever to running into you.
Wow, amazing that I found this post almost 2 years after you wrote it. This is great advice and does reflect some of the things that I've learnt the hard way ( read trial and error ) and some that I am yet to learn :).
Thanks again for sharing this.
I can tell yo want NOT to do. I was working away on a problem and called my boss over to ask him a question. He gave me the information that I needed, but kept hanging around talking–and I had work to do! Without really thinking about it, I looked at him (was trying the ignoring technique) and said “I am done with you now”. His eyes got very round and fortunately he laughed! So, I guess “I am done with you now” is an option but use it with caution! :-)
These might not work if you do a lot of conferences or shows… but if you do a lot of shows you probably don't need this advice.
One thing I like to do is get a haircut. It works for both genders. You feel more confident after you've gotten a great new haircut. I try to plan to get my haircut a week or so ahead of time. That way if there was a catastrophe with my hair I would have time to get it fixed before the event.
Another thing I do is buy a new item of clothing like a new shirt or shoes or whatever. It can make you feel more confident, and thus, more sexy. Or for guys… maybe you just get your shoes shined. I love the airport shoe shine guys.
I think this is one of the best brief descriptions I have seen. I work with people on how to network, and they think there is a bunch of stuff they do not know, but really it is simple, nice job.
Love your article on being sexier in person. I used to have meeting new peeps, but I spoke to leadership guru John Maxwell told me why he is SO successful and being “sexier”. He asks them, “what challenges are you facing right now”?. Most people love to talk about themselves and he listens (and cares). Of course, once you know what challenge is a really big deal to them – you can go about helping them to solve it. Win-win everytime. Great post Chris – I love your articles. Keep up the great writing. :)
Stand up straight and do NOT chew gum! Great article!
At any lull in the conversation, simply extend your hand and say, “It was great to meet you / catch up / see you again!” Works for me every time… :)
I knew I brought a Costco pack of Mentos to SXSW for a reason. See you Monday if not before- looking forward to GRTL.
Confidence rules………….the challenge is finding the rule book.
Thanks Chris, for another great topic and all the comments are awesome. I remember being invited to my first network meeting, I didnt know what to expect but I had a good idea. I did not feel sexy at all. I was nervous to start and went right to the refreshments and actually shook when pooring a cup of coffee, I finally took a seat, started to relax a little bit. I collected the atmosphere, it all got quiet and the speaker said we're going to start in the front row and everyone will have 60 seconds to introduce their self. I sat in the back of a small room of 58 intimidating people and said sunny beach, I couldnt run. lol, talk about a hot flash of reality! What a lesson to never forget!
Now I exercise and read before and focus on why I'm there, how to properly listen, learn, share and above all you be yourself. This all takes practice, and it helps to get out from behind your computer.
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It is great!
Going back to the main point, an organization can function without actively creating community with its employees. It is vital, however, for companies to develop community with those who benefit from its products or services. Otherwise, how can you ensure repeat business?