I love this post Chris - thanks.
The only thing I would add is the tried and true “be yourself”.
And by that I mean, who you are when you talk to people you know - no jargon or corporate-speak because really, no one is actually like that…right?
If you think that putting on airs or speaking a certain way will make you seem smarter, it won’t.

Man, that is awesome advice, Chris. And thanks for drawing on your experience to talk about things we all experience, and think, and wonder about, but often think we’re the only one.

I can definitely relate to the “not sure when to stop” part of the conversation.

This is also an area where having a strong personal brand already helps. There’s a big difference when I meet someone who’s seen my video podcast or read my articles, than someone who hasn’t. The former people give me enough confidence to deal with the people who haven’t! :)

This was also a really funny post. I loved the disclaimer.

You make an excellent point. I really enjoy meeting new and interesting people, but I’m not a small chit chat kinda person. When I’m in a networking type of setting, it gets a little uncomfortable when someone just keeps going. It’s totally nothing against the other person, I may really have hit it off with them or am into what they are into, but I’ve just met them and want to have a reason to continue the conversation outside this initial introduction :)

So brief is sexy, eh? Thank you, Twitter!

Wanna know what I really need to know? How to peel out of conversations when I’m done and the other person is not. What do YOU do?

great primer on standing up for yourself in a positive way at networking events. dale carnegie is the reference point for this human relations info and i can absolutely recommend their courses for anyone who wants to walk and speak more confidently.

I just returned from a conference and completely agree with all of these points, but I personally don’t like the question, “working on anything fun?” I hate when it’s asked of me - find answering really hard - what’s “fun” for me may sound like mindless drivel to someone I’m just meeting (or vice versa). I think the “what do you do?” question is fine — I often ask that question question because I’m genuinely interested in the answer.

Your #1 tip, confidence, reminded me of this article, which I’ve found helpful a number of times: http://jeremyhubert.com/articles/10-tips-to-improve-your-self-esteem.html

As for your question about getting out of a conversation, I generally make some excuse, such as “I’m going to grab a drink” or “I’m going to the bathroom” or “I’m going to walk around a bit”. Usually if I end with, “It was nice chatting with you” and hand the person my card, it’s ends up ok…

Lastly, who’s the hottie in the photo? :-)

Sarah - the flickr photo says it’s Alex Howard aka @digiphile

I LOVE this post. People can be so awkward! The tip to practice made me laugh out loud. Maybe your fans should have a “Practicing for Brogan” video contest. Shoot, where’s my Flip Video…

Yeah, too cool…this is a great way of looking at the physical element of one’s personal brand! The only problem with such an approach, is that if you act sexy, or think you are sexy - then you are not? Sexiness is like grace - you either have it or you don’t…maybe the focus should be on being less unsexy? Great article Chris!

I love when a Twitter leads to a great post that happens to be exactly what I was needing to hear this minute. I’ll be using these bits in a meeting tomorrow!

Sarah, the “working on anything fun?” comment is not what I use. As a result of a Chamber of Commerce meeting in which we were urged to talk positive about business in Michigan. So, I say, “What are you doing that is working for you in the business world?” Then, I listen. If I think I can offer a suggestion I try.

Love the post, it was great!

Awesome post, Chris. What I love is the realization that your personal brand includes your online presence — and yes, your in-person presence as well. It does matter — and to help people be clear about WHO THEY ARE - WHAT THEY BELIEVE IN — prior to a “meet-and-greet” — is great advice. Thank you for helping all of us be more clear…

I think the “sexy question” is also something that suggests a genuine interest, rather than just repeating a rote. That’s the most important thing, people will be interested in you if it seems like you’re interested in them.

Oh, one thing to add as well, and a vital one:

I’ve been to many conferences where there has been a bar. Or to networking events when there are complimentary cocktails.

Whatever you do, stay sober. There is no worse impression you can give than to get drunk at an event like this. Be careful you don’t even get tipsy accidentally.

Wow what a practical, down-and-dirty post. This is great - I totally agree confidence is huge. Once you realize you’re awesome (but not arrogant), you and those around you feel that you are worthy of meeting.

I’d also add Be Interested. I’ve noticed people who are really great in social settings (yourself included actually) are genuinely really interested in the other person. This makes the other person feel good about themselves and makes them like you for it.

A few years ago, comedian Dave Attell had a show on Comedy Central called “Up All Night” where he stayed up all night long in a different city each episode. He did an episode in Cambridge, Mass. Some goofy guy with a backpack was following Dave for most of the episode so finally he broke down and asked this guy what his deal was. The stalker gave the most intriguing, only-in-Massachusetts answers I’ve ever heard when he replied, “I’m a revolutionary.”

Lead with a line like that and I guarantee you’ll be memorable!

Correction: Dave Attell’s show on Comedy Central was called “Insomiac” and the episode in question was based in Boston rather than Cambridge.

But my point is still the same.

I can do a lot of things. Mingling is not one of them. Thanks for the great tips!

The point that Ellie made about looking really interested is spot on as is Luke’s about focusing on being not un-sexy (since some people might ramp up the sexiness factor too much). Smile a genuine smile, look people in the eye, and have that certain nonchalance that exudes, what they called in the Renaissance “sprezzatura.”

This is one of the first posts I’ve written where people had some really great commenter to commenter information. I love that. Felt very community to me.

As for “be interested,” know what bugs me? Crowd surfers. The ones who stop looking at you fairly quickly and start seeking their next target. I try my hardest to make sure you know you’re the only person in the world at that moment. (What usually screws this up for me is if I’m waiting on something to come through on the phone).

Maybe we should also talk about pet peeves. : )

I don’t like it when someone announces they’re looking for a job right away, right after you met them. It makes me feel awkward like I’m supposed to automatically mentally scan my contacts for prospects or something. To be honest, just talking about some of the stuff you’re passionate about, is a better way to get networked and find out what’s happening on the job scene.
What do you guys think?

Chris, that is so true about crowd surfers. And I am so guilty of that sometimes too. Sadly, a lot of it is as shallow as how attractive the person you’re talking to is (and how attractive other people in the room are) … got little to do with how relevant or helpful that person might be to you.

I used to go to a lot of events alone and not knowing anyone in particular, so I look out for people in the same situation. They usually come in, grab a glass and stand confidently near a conversation, waiting to be let in. I try to let them in or make eye contact or something, but how to do that without alienating the person you’re already listening to? (I do a lot of listening :)

Rahaf - I so agree with you, too, on people spewing their job needs on you before you can get to know them. Awkward!

This was really a good post, what’s interesting is that some of these techniques could be applied to people with just general lack of confidence and social fear.

I loved this post.
I’m incredibly shy if I’m in a one on one or one on many situation, but really shine at events where other people are shy - the ‘mommy’ in me just kicks in and makes me blitz around supporting people.
And that’s my biggest tip - remember that you can be helpful without needing to even mention what you’re there for - I was a fresher in Uni last year and still ran around like a third year, just because I got oriented and settled very quickly - and because of that, I’ve got a lot of contacts in the faculty AND student body. They still remember me from then. Make yourself memorable. :)

@Rahaf - I just smile and tell them that we’re always looking for a change - how about we get to know one another a bit more and find some mutla benifit before worrying about ‘work’. And I say it with the biggest smile possible. People that keep going after that aren’t interested in networking - they’re interested in monopolising. And though I’ll still talk to them - I do mentally cross them off any plans I may have had - unless they say something that makes me want to change my mind.
I’m fairly fickle I guess.
Another thing that occurred to me - the best impression another person made on me was asking what I could bring to a situation, ideally. I’m a writer and blogger, so they got really enthusiastic when they heard that - when someone else said thier ‘ideal’ gift to a group was creative work with wood he excused himself, and went over to another group - there was someone there that was looking for a model maker to conceptualise something for him. I liked that he cared enough to pass that on, and was deliberately facilitating. He and work together regularly now, and I try to facilitate as often as I can. Again, its going back to the helpful without being self focussed. People WILL show an interest in others if they genuenly engage.

Chris - I wish you would have posted before the MarketingProfs conference in Boston this week. Then, I would have had the confidence to introduce myself to you, as I was there and am a fan of ours and always wanted to say hello. Now, I’m prepared for the next time. Good advice!

Great post - I am an inherently shy person, and although I’ve busted out of my shell in my adult years and now have much less issue with talking to “strangers”, speaking or performing in front of large groups, it’s always good to hear these litte reminders.

I’d also add that listening is just as important as talking. Be interested in the person you are talking to and make eye contact. Body language is important and if you are fidgeting or scanning the room for your next conversation then you are not making a connection with the person you are with.

Also, include others in the conversation. I go to a lot of networking events where the most popular or famous person in the room gets “cornered” by one or two people who monopolize his/her time for half the night. I call them “clingers”. Not fun for the famous person, and not fun for anyone else either. It’s okay to get into a good conversation with someone, but be sure to widen your circle and include others. Don’t be a “clinger”.

Oh - and good call on the breath. Can’t stress THAT enough!!!

My work colleagues (intelligent but often introverted shy IT geniuses) often say “they are not like me- they can’t do networking” so they often avoid going to events or talk to one another in the corner, and instead rely on me to reel in interesting folks because somehow, as a youngster, I have learnt to deal with “projecting confidence” in approaching strangers. I dont think I am naturally extroverted, but for me, this “jacket of confidence” is learnt….its just another form of what I call”learnt optimism” - refer Martin Seligman who coined the phrase. Another REALLY simple trick is to visualise confidence, stand in a body pose that represents confidence so you “grow” into that state, and then sail forth like a pro. Its always about sincerity- heart to heart connections, NOT collecting a bunch of business cards from the glamour set! People’s bs detectors can spot the crowdsurfer at a mile and no-one has time for them. Thats NOT networking, that’s social pollution!

This is a great post! I love meeting new people but I am painfully shy and constantly fight feeling awkward and unconfident. Next time my mind goes blank in a social situation, I will have to remember “Brogan’s Rules of Being Sexy.” The hardest part for me is telling myself I have something to offer the others in the room.

Dressing how you want to be percieved is so spot on. I changed (actually my wife changed) my style over the last couple years and it has greatly improved how I feel and my confidence level. She wanted me to stop being a wallflower and to stand out more. It works.

As always, Chris, you hit it over the big green wall. Thanks.

well since chris asked for pet peeves, i’ll share mine.

most people are just fine in social situations, even
the uncomfortable insecure ones. working in IT, we’ve
all seen the extreme introverts that seem uncomfortable.
at least they try.

what gets me? the opposite extreme. people who try so
hard to project a titan of wall street personae, that
they come off smarmy like a used car salesman. often,
they are crowd surfer types as well.

like prince says: “you don’t need to be rich, to be
my girl…”

the take away: just be yourself. there’s no need to
break yourself, trying to impress anyone.

Chris, good post, couple of points…

First, I can never say “goodbye” and I can never say “no”, and with that being said, I’m exceedingly nice to people who might be longwinded. So I had to do something.

Somehow, and I’m not sure how it happened, it may have just been some brutally honest twig that snapped in me, but interestingly enough seems to have spread virally amongst my friends and colleagues is this: When I have nothing else to say, I just say, “that’s all I got”. And the conversation ends right there, no harm no foul.. and we’re all satisfied, and we walk away. This generally covers phone conversations but…

What to do at the dinner party or conference? What seems to work is similar to what happens in some chat scenarios. I use the ole brb. So I’m talking and if I see the other person glazing over or vice versa, I just bust out the brb and it’s an acceptable out for both parties. It offers nothing more than a, “hey I’ll cya later”. Which is cool.

Lastly, the way I get out of the having to say goodbye is, what my friends and colleagues have called pulling a “Meyer”. Which infers this, “Where’s Meyer”? I don’t know, he was just here a second ago. At which point they all shrug their shoulders and life goes on. Meanwhile, I have slipped out, 15 minutes ago….

Lastly, Lastly, I agree, “what do you do” questions make me cringe. The answers certainly do not define the sum total of the individual that is truly inside all of us, it only defines what pays the bills. The interesting stuff, is what we find interesting, and what truly is our passion. I wonder what types of conversations we would have if we started it by asking what each others passions were…

I love the advice I’m getting from you here. Thank you. Believe me, we all need advice from time to time. I’m glad you’re here to give me your counsel.

One more HOT tip: When you *finally* get that “audience” with someone you’ve really wanted to talk to, meet, or (ick) pitch, fer chrissakes don’t be an ass to the people standing with them. Say hello, make eye contact, introduce yourself. 1) you really do not know who you are dealing with 2) you’ve probably interrupted their conversation with your “target” and 3) you look like a boor for doing it.

Chris — I love this post, and as I’m heading off to a networking event I’m going to hold them dear. It seems that we’re all carrying around so much “stuff” that we can’t always manage to make that all important human connection. I appreciate the reminder!

Best,
Peggie

Chris,

It was a pleasure swopping lies with you yesterday: please continue to share your insights on colonic irrigation when next we meet.

That you found it necessary to even write the above post underlines the sorry state of social interaction in the United States. It’s incredible that less than a generation ago, people had actual flesh-and-blood friends with whom they shared their lives and swoped stories.

For anyone interested in how our ability to communicate with our fellow man has become so debased over the past thirty years, an interesting place to start is the first 80 pages or so of Al Gore’s ‘The Assault On Reason’. In it, Gore provides a first-hand account on how we Americans went from oratory and spirited debate, to talking points and shout fests.

Has technology made us social retards? Discuss.

All the best,

Bill

Again with the comments providing as much value as the post :)

Good advice all around.
The bottom line is that confidence is sexy, and people are drawn to it. Basic psychology, confidence radiates power. My advice: if you don’t feel it, fake it. Just chill. No one will know -because some of them are fakers too…(Unless you go overboard) and the acceptance will perpetuate the myth of your confidence, and lead you to believe that you are, therefore feeling confindent in actuality.

We don’t realize how self conscious most people are yet mask it to project their successful aura.

Best way to make successful connections is to ask a lead-in question, and Listen. Draw the person out, and be interested. Too often, one can see impatience in a listener, as they wait for the talker to finish, so they can jump in and get to their agenda. Fail. People need to be heard, and to feel that their words have value.

The same goes with eye contact. Look into someone’s eyes when they talk, not just when *you* talk. Eye contact is totally under rated as a confidence powertool also.

On the Bad Breath note: total agreement. No matter how interesting, influential or terrific someone is, if I get a whiff of stink, they immediately drop value. Instant judgement. Bad.

On ending a droning monologue that is past its usefulness, -I will look beyond the person quickly, raise my eyebrows, nod and hold up a finger to the imaginary person, and tell the droner …oops, sorry, being paged…nice talking to you, bye.

Disclaimer: this does not work well if there is no one behind the person. Best done in crowded rooms.

Something I recommend to people who aren’t comfortable in ice-breaking situations is to have a few fun tidbits and short anecdotes ready to share. When I was an actor, we were always told to put something fun on the resume under “special skills.” I put “blood-curdling screams” and “hula-hoop while reciting the Gettysburg address.” They always got a chuckle and a question from the casting director, which usually opened up a nice, brief conversation about how unique I am.

So, what are your special skills?

It’s very helpful to switch from focusing on yourself to focusing on the other person. Instead of wanting to get in information about yourself, I think it’s better to establish rapport by getting the other person to talk about himself/herself. This happens by asking an appropriate (not rude) open-ended question that can’t be answered by a simple yes or no. If you get the other person talking about himself/herself, eventually you will be able to talk about yourself. And if you get interrupted before that time, you can always send a follow-up email saying how much you enjoyed speaking with the person — and then slip in something appropriate about yourself.

I’m an ambivert, which means im half introverted and half extroverted.

I would like to add to this conversation that PRACTICE helps, figuring out who one is and what one is about helps, and if things are not going as planned or the event is uncomfortable, one can also always leave early.

As for planning, you do want to pratice and plan out witty things to say, respond, etc. But dont overdo it, dont come off as robotic and rehearsed. Be casual, be cool, and be ready.

Fact is (some of us), are like Bates from the Bret Easton Ellis movie, American Physco, who are deeply and furiously hurt when someones business card is better looking than ours. That movie always makes me crack up, it is brutally honest.

We all want to shine and come across as “rock stars”. Just dont try too hard, let it flow.

Inspired words, Chris!

I would humbly add to your brilliance to *Listen* & *Ask Questions* They both make everyone feel integral to the conversation and engender camaraderie.

p.s. rockstar casual rules!

This post makes me infinitely grateful I was born bundled with optimal social skills. Thanks, Ma!

But really, isn’t all of this just basic social skills? I’ve always been much better in person than I am online. My “personal brand” has been developing over the last 27 years through life experience and interaction/adaptation to myriad social settings.

I think all this advice could boil down to “Get out more. Move out of your comfort zone. Talk to strangers. Rinse. Repeat.”

But the bottom line is, if you don’t know yourself or feel comfortable with who you are, the path to “sexy” could be a difficult one.

When it comes to women, if you get her talking about herself, she’ll listen for hours.

Chris,

I like the rockstar casual approach :). Do you think we can have a ranking system where we can score on the back of the cards of people we meet :

a) MIT : will be a millionaire in ten years
b) VC : Very creative person , his dreams will come true but don’t know about the money
c) NP : No problem - nice person
d) NCG: need to contact again

Just some random thoughts.

Shashi

Chris, what a lovely post!

Going through the comments, reveal how many feel “shy”, and incapable of starting a conversation, or even just introducing themselves.

I keep reminding myself to be always as Human and Compassionate as possible, not less!

:-)

Marianne
(Singapore)

Practice, practice, practice helps me at networking events. And, listening. If you listen, you can find a common thread that can keep the conversation going.

As far as the ‘how do I get out of this conversation’ goes, honest to goodness, my sister has used this on more than one occassion. When it’s time for her to move on and continue networking, she says ‘ta-da!’ and waves her hands. That’s what works for her. I usually wait for a lull in the converstation, tell the other person it was lovely meeting them and exchange contact info/cards. That gets easier with practice, too.

Breathe.

This is an awesome post! Great advice and well presented.

Hey Chris good info, but I hope you don’t go turning all of us geeks into sexy silver-tongued devils; not too sure I could keep that image up for long.

My pet peeve, which I’ve talked about on another post, is when you’re trying to ascertain just who or what you are talking to and the person says “I’m an entrepreneur.” This generally has zero utility in our conversation, because 99% of the people in the room are entrepreneurs of one stripe or another.

If that is your opener, fine, I’ll play along and wade thru the fluff. However, if that’s all you’ve got, you might as well say “I’m a resident of Earth”, it would give the same amount of guidance and would definitely be more memorable.

Also, if you’re looking for a job, as is mentioned by others in previous comments, it isn’t always the best lead-in to a conversation. So if someone asks what you’re working on, don’t say “Well, actually I’m unemployed”. Instead, mention some interesting volunteer project you’re involved with, or talk about something you blogged recently, or bring up your favorite charity, or pull out a photo of your bi-plane. Show that you have passion for something, briefly, then find out about theirs.

Great post Chris, I passed it on (with same title) to my favorite business networking site, biznik.
Personally, I tend to fluctuate from uber confident to uber insecure and rambly (like our first phone call!) Hope ya’ll catch me on a good day ;)

Hmm, didn’t post the first time.

Great thoughts Chris. Always easier to breathe knowing you’re not alone in a struggle.

I poster your article over at my favorite Business networking site (Bizik.com), as I think they’d really like it.

Personally, I range between uber confident to uber insecure and talkative (like our first phone conversation!) Hope others of you meet me on a good day ;)
-Leif

As someone that has been trying to work on this very thing recently, I loved this post. Attending SOBCon this year was a great, although somewhat awkward, experience for me. As Steve mentioned earlier, I tend to be very reserved as I question what I have to offer to the people that I am meeting.

Practice really does help though, as I felt much more comfortable at a recent Tweetup that I attended. I’m looking for more opportunities to practice and it has actually been fun.

Chris, at SOBCon you had commented that you had been staring at the back of my head for the better part of the day. The next time I have the opportunity to meet you, I will give these tips a try and actually introduce myself to you, lol.

@Derek - at least you hav a handsome back of head. : )

@chrisbrogan this is an extremely awesome post. it’s something i’ve been talking about a lot lately to women and people in junior positions at my workplace. depending on how you were raised, or what your cultural background is the confidence one can be difficult. just the art of approaching people, or even knowing who to approach. i do believe that sites like facebook, twitter, and now friendfeed have helped take off some of the awkward edge of what happens in person. which brings me to…

@Anne talked about how important the online brand was as well. maybe this will help, for women who tech, myself, megan fitzgerald of career by choice, and angie chang of women 2.0 did a preso on tooting your own horn. it’s not the face-to-face stuff, but some points, such as staying true to your brand have as much importance in person as it does online. here’s a slideshare link in case anyone is interested http://www.slideshare.net/lynneluvah/build-your-brand/

Gotta tell you, the title really drew me into this post.

Reading article’s like this one inflame my gout.
D+

Chris - It was nice meeting you at the conference. This is a really great post as I watched a lot of this happening with folks who haven’t learned how to network.

It’s natural for human nature to be a bit insecure when you first meet someone. I’m outgoing once you know me but that opening hello is still tough.

But my coming up and introducing myself to you and Valeria at the MP B2B conference took courage, but not as much if we hadn’t interacted in social media first. It gave me a conversation starter. I don’t think I would have even attempted it if we hadn’t started the conversation online.

Once I’m in the social event, moving on is pretty easy for me. I just remind people I’m there to meet folks, so once we’ve had a chance to connect, I excuse myself with “Nice meeting you. Let’s connect again to chat more. Time to mingle!”

[…] see what he is thinking. In fact he has a post that I’m sure we all could relate to called, Be Sexier in Person. Not that Chris is blogging about sexy he is in person, just read the […]

Chris:

This one was excellent. I’m very aware of body language for obvious reasons (for those who don’t know me, I’m deaf) and nothing bugs me more than a pair of shifty eyes that tell me the person I’m conversing with is looking for the “next best thing” and standing there just to look busy for the moment.

Like you, I love meeting people and b/c of my level of awareness, I give 100 percent of my attention on the person speaking to me becuase that’s how I want to be treated.

Sure, it pays to watch the other person’s body language to figure out how much longer you should continue the conversation before moving on to the next person. But I’ll tell ya, if a person’s eyes start getting shifty, it’s time to move on politely. “Nice to meet you with a handshake would suffice’ and move on.

Great post. Your humor comes through very clearly!

p.s.

I agree 100 percent that confidence without arrogance is a big place. It radiates positive energy. Imagine speaking to a confident person who gives 100 percent of his/her attention on you. What a powerful combo!

[…] Be confident in person. […]

Nudity is also eye-catching and memorable. Not enough people realize that at conferences.

[…] Be confident in person. […]

I still have no clue how I came here from a hacking guide to your post. But it was something new I never thought about it. Thanks for the random interruption :-) freexxxnow-c0m

Chris, it might be helpful to understand that engaging with others is often a matter of whether or not your “home base” is extraversion or introversion. Extraverts are quite comfortable engaging, while it’s the introverted nature to wait to be engaged. Knowing that you are wired that way, and need to move into your non-preferntial side, may help in the doing of it, in a social setting. Much like being right handed vs left handed. It’s a preference we’re born with…but both are within our personality. It’s our job as we grow up to tap into those non-preferential parts of our personality we need to use in social settings.

[…] Meatspace Marketing: I was able get a few potential jobs lined up through through this medium. The meatspace is that strange place away from the web. Its where real people exist and occasionally interact in a none virtual fashion. Become part of your local tech community and get to know the players. Contribute so they can all see how great you are. Read Chris Brogan’s post on how to be sexier in person. […]

So you mean I should wear a low cut dress? Got it. Thanks.

Just kidding! Sorry I had to…

Sometimes in life we need to hear what we already know! This was stated very well. Thanks again for your insight!!

Thanks for the insight. I network in person quite often and the only thing I would add to your comments is understand that you are not there to SELL someone at that event. You are there to serve and give. Find out how you can help those you meet. As Zig Ziglar says ” If you help enough people get what they want , you will automatically get what you want” -I am hear to say that works!

Thank you!

I got to meet author Jay Asher last week. As I shook his hand, I was thinking, “Wow…Jay Asher!”

Then I suddenly stood up a little straighter, because I realized–Y’know what?…I’m *mousewords.*

;-)

[…] little while ago, the blogging maestro, Chris Brogan wrote a great post on this very subject - Be Sexier in Person, which shared some great tips on ’sexing up’ your Personal […]