January 3, 2010 44 Comments

Emotions at a Distance

I left the following comment on a blog post:

You know that horrible thing where we say “there are two kinds of people?” Well, here’s one of those:

There are two kinds of people: those who see the computer/internet/buttons as being attached to human, feeling beings, and those who think it’s just online and that it doesn’t attach.

That’s like saying the phone is just something to talk into and there’s no emotions there, either.

It’s not just online. People do have feelings that they associate to these “at a distance” places.

Yes, people overreact. We agree there. But to dismiss emotions simply because of the medium would be to dismiss letters, telephones, pictures, etc. Lots of things happen at a distance and yet convey consequences.

I think there are most definitely two sets of minds at work, and that by realizing the above, it describes/defines a lot of those times when one side or the other feels misunderstood. Just remembering this one detail, and realizing which of the two people you’re dealing with, and things might get better.

Related posts:

  1. Ways to Be Human at a Distance
  2. Great Read for Distance Folks
  3. The Distance of Your Ask
  4. Simplicity Trumps Most Other Emotions
  5. Shortening The Distance Between Us

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  • http://elizabethpottsweinstein.com ElizabethPW

    I would go a step further, there are some people who have two personas — their online/public/business persona, and their personal life persona (some even have separate lives). (I suspect those are the same people who keep their feelings out of social media/online.)

    And there are those of us (like me) who don't have a filter and are the same person in both places; people who really lead a transparent life. I'm all in.

    And I forget that some people have two separate personas, two separate lives … which can create major expectation & miscommunication problems, both in online relationships and when taking those relationships offline.

  • Perry Hewitt

    This is one of the reasons I call some of the most vitriolic commenters/email writers. People will say astonishing things on email. I find picking up the phone to address those concerns helpful – in my experience, many people write the email message as a cathartic venting of pure rage, and are generally amenable to a civil conversation when rung.

  • khuramh

    I was thinking something similar. The Dutch queen recently lashed out against social media blaming it for obstructing real contacts. I think she missed the point. The web is allowing us to be involved with more and more people and allows us to touch the lives of several people. In the end people are communicating, real people thanks to Facebook I know the people I am talking to are real people and there is always some kind of emotion involved.

  • theredheadsaid

    I respect people more when I see their humanity online. If they get pissed off, express frustration, express hurt but also laughter and love. I don't want to engage with robots. Of course there's a difference between being expressive and having emotional diarrhea.

  • http://twitter.com/jesseluna Jesse P. Luna

    I like to connect with people but try not to judge those who don't choose to use the medium that way. There's a lot of room for misunderstanding between those who use technology purely for business purposes and those that use it to change their lives or the world.

  • http://twitter.com/vagabond_blue vagabond blue

    “But to dismiss emotions simply because of the medium would be to dismiss letters, telephones, pictures, etc. Lots of things happen at a distance and yet convey consequences.”

    I really love this thought, Chris. I think we all need to remember that human communication takes many forms. Words (for most people) create emotion. I'm reminded of days gone by when people had to communicate by letter writing to stay in touch. To discount this basic truth–that words mean something– no matter how they are conveyed, is denying a basic principle of human communication.

  • http://twitter.com/rafaellizarraga Rafael Lizárraga

    Since we are social beings by nature, my belief is that today we are connected virtually. And it is like a treasure for those who are capable to see that being online is being connected.

  • http://babookworm.wordpress.com/ Mindi @ B.A. Bookworm

    I think you hit a nerve with this post….
    We need to always be mindful that there are feelings attached to a post/situation. Also, never write anything online that you don't want seen by a specific person/business, because once it's out there you can't take it back.

  • paulmartin42

    Awhile back the Bay Area Ed McCreight extended two into a spectrum based on time. Some folk are impatient, with little tolerance to accepting what they regard as easily done in an instant; others have a more long term approach. (You had to be there at the time, when he said it, for full comprehension)

  • http://instructionsarenotincluded.blogspot.com/ Kristine Brite

    A recent tragedy showed me that online isn't just online for me. When my daughter died, I never imagined Twitter would end up being my biggest support system. I had friends and family knocking on my door, and that was touching. Even more touching were the stories that poured in from strangers dressed in pink to support me, or lighting candles and sending me pictures. My blog readers write that they weep over my posts, and I believe that they mourn with me. In my daughters memory, I asked for random acts of kindness on what would have been her one month birthday, in response I was flooded with stories and links and photos of what my new online friends had done. I've seen the power of human emotions at work online first hand.

  • http://blog.mdsuburbanhomes.com Ken Montville

    At issue here, I think, is that the web creates a [sometimes false] sense of anonymity or “second life”, as ElizabethPW points out . It also allows you to disappear as quickly as you appear. Thus, it's easy to forget that there are real human beings on the other side of the monitor. It's a little trick our mind plays on us.

    Another thing about spouting off on the Internet is that, for the most part, we never meet live and in person. I only know you through your blog and your book. If I wasn't too fond of either, you'd make an easier target than if I had actually met you and knew something about the flesh and blood Chris Brogan.

    Still, none of this is a good excuse for rude and belligerent behavior. We do live in a civil society, or at least try to, even if it is “virtual”.

  • http://thoughtbythought.net Tre

    way to call it. good nudge for a long term strategy that may still the lashing out or emotional reactings…thanks for pointing this out..great reminder.

  • http://weblogredux.com Hal Brown

    I've come to believe that being online is almost like being in a dream for some people. Anything goes. I am not pillar of innocence – I've sent some regretful email messages. I like 'reminders' such as this. Even more, I need reminders like this. I think the golden rule applies no matter the medium.

  • http://inarimedia.wordpress.com Stephanie Migot

    The very anonymity of the internet means that some people say things that they would never imagine doing in a face-to-face situation. You see it in forums and on talkboards all the time.

    Aside from strict moderation, there's not a lot that can be done, especially if you don't run the space yourself. I'm not sure that the trolls actually gain anything, aside from a brief feeling of glee – kind of like a kid who discovers their first swear word. I suspect much of the emotion they express is actually manufactured, just to see if they get a reaction.

  • http://www.latarahamying.com LaTara Ham-Ying

    Great post! There is one thing I hear people say over and over again that really bothers me. That is when they refer to “real world” vs “online world”!

    HUH!!!!!

    It bothers me because many of these people are business people who use the online platform to market and connect and then they say they are going to spend time in the “real world” or connect with their “real world” friends.

    That turns me off big time because it is as if they are saying that being online is outside of the realm of living their life. I can't see how they can say that and then tell me to read their blog post or buy their product.

    Sorry ain't happenin'!

    I am me online and offline. Who I connect with online, I would love to connect with offline too! When I see someone crying out for help offline I reach out and I do the same online as well.

    I don't live in a fantasy world online because I know there are other people hitting the ketboard on

  • http://twitter.com/Toriach Toriach

    Well said. In all fairness though I think things are better now than they were fifteen years ago, when the Interwebs were largely populated by young white males. As is the case of so many things diversity of all kinds has helped to transform online immensely.

  • kate

    so very true – Though I don't think the personality type is limited to the online world. Some people also detach emotion for those in service positions (think how many drive through attendants, bank tellers, maids, etc. get treated as if they are not human!).

    All of us are affected and affect others with our words and actions online or off. The importance of communication is the connection – not the medium. We, as emotional beings, connect through many many many channels, the newest of which are through the latest technologies. Ironically using our original technology – our eyes, ears, and fingers!

    That said – not everyone behind an internet button, tweet, blog, etc. has the best intentions (hello spammers, phishers, etc.) so just blindly trusting isn't the answer either.

    I suppose I fall squarely in the camp of connecting online is no different than offline except that it can all happen from your living room.

    Thanks for making me think on this one Chris!

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  • http://potpolitics.com jsinkeywest

    I guess it pays to fly below the radar.I think I have over 3000 do followed comments on my blog and NONE are negative or critical and I don't mean I delete those ones I don't want people to see. I hope that doesn't change because I'm not really up for whackos bringing me drama etc.Also when I started blogging I thought it was going to be a big love feast and would get furious when people BLEW ME off :) now I just think hey that's THEIR loss and move on :) seems to be working
    There are people that do things online that I don't agree with like trying to pretend they are Special.always promoting themselves 24/7 and never anyone else unless their is money involved etc but I just think that if we meet in real life we'd probably get along because as cool as I'm on the internet I'm actually a lot cooler in Real life LOL:)

  • http://facebook.com/marismith MariSmith

    Amen. Thanks for sharing this, Chris.

    Your concept of two kinds of people goes right along with my theory about two types of marketers:

    (1) Those who look out on the marketplace and see numbers – conversion rates, metrics, list size, follower count, dollars etc. They are numbers-based marketers.

    (2) Those who look out on the marketplace and see real people – with needs, wants, desires, hopes, dreams, problems and challenges who need help. They are heart-based marketers.

    Thing is, we need to be both – having skill in the numbers (& technical/computer) and being skilled in relationships and people are both important aspects of running a business.

    To your point, since social media has become so prevalent, I do think some folks feel they have more bravado behind the safety (and anonymity) of their computer. Shame that. I'm with @ElizabethPW – I'm all in.

  • 1goodbrain

    This is a good reminder Chris and I like your thoughts. There are still a lot of people who are 'playing' on the internet like it's a fantasy world. Two examples come to mind:

    1. The Ketchum PR Exec who tweeted about how he thought the city he was in was lousy and insulted his biggest client FedEx. The internet is real life where real people are listening, and real consequences happen. Our words, pictures, videos etc, whether real-time or some time down the stream, will condemn us or benefit us. It's now permanent record and up to us whether our involvement online becomes a CLM (career limiting moves) or a chance to add real value, change the game, inspire, build our brand etc.

    2. The second thought that comes to mind are Trolls–and specifically nameless, faceless trolls who have their Google Alerts set to find your name or brand and cause you trouble online. I have 2 trolls that I know of, and I recently learned their names and identities. It turns out they are both web and social media consultants like me. Their motive: Jealousy? Vindictive Vendetta? Sabotage? Still baffles me…

    These people are cowards and they don't think they'll be caught or have to be accountable for their deliberate sabotage–or in legal terms libel (a false and malicious publication printed/written for the purpose of defaming a living person).
    This is foolish thinking, as there are now many legal ways to track down anonymous saboteurs online. Just like in real life these 'perps' end up bragging about their crimes to other people. The irony is that even though the internet is vast and the trolls think they can hide, they can't. So many people are connected now that I hear about it almost instantly–and the identity of these trolls was sent to me by a good Samaritan I didn't know personally, separated by more than 6 degrees.

  • http://www.talentbuildersinc.com/ Barb Giamanco

    I say bring on the emotions! Frankly, we need so much more of that in this world. Participating in online communities, blogs, etc. gives people an opportunity to express who they are. That, I think, is a really good thing. Even if a few go over board – like what I saw happening on a back channel stream during a keynote Chris gave in Atlanta a few months back – that's better than someone never saying a word and then one day going postal on anyone in their line of sight.

  • http://mydarabell.com/ darabell

    It is like John Connor and Terminator without the human element (Chris you call himan business) it could up like Skynet (artificial) a kind of Bladerunner type of capitalism with just technology. I do agree with Elizabeth that we have online and offline persona.

    The conundrum La Tara describes of readustment to offline is one I experience depends of how long your online. I do feel that there is extra dimension that is Kristin mentions the actual social use of social media. Sure it is for marketing but is for therapeutic expressions of joy. Someone dies eg Brittany Murphy (even Scoble mentioned it) you can use it to connect and discuss feelings.

    I agree with again with Mindi you have hit a nerve here it will certainly make me think about how I conduct myself online and how I market.

  • http://twitter.com/addoway Addoway.com

    You must be as real as you are in person as you are online. Great comments throughout about “real” vs “online”. What is different? Nothing – If you are a business and you don't use social media to connect, then you are wasting your time and if you decide to connect, but all you do is talk one-way and not the other (respond to your users), then you are just doing your business a dis-service.

    It doesn't matter if you are big or small. It just takes time and with consistency you will see the progress your hard work makes.

  • http://twitter.com/addoway Addoway.com

    I just love when a CEO takes the time to speak to his customers/clients. Show them you care. Write, Respond, Reciprocate. Then show them your HUMAN side.

  • http://ianmrountree.com Ian M Rountree

    So glad to see this kind of sentiment expressed so clearly.

    I had a personal event underscore this painfully for me recently; one of my oldest friends from online activities lost his wife on the 30th of December – I had never met her, but we had a connection, and as such this will be the fourth night in a row I'll have a candle going for her family.

    For any interested, I wrote about it here: http://bit.ly/6hQPBF

    At the end of the week, I'll be passing the analytics reports on to her husband, my friend, to show him just how big a ripple can come from a purely “meaningless online friendship.”

    Meaningless? Powerful. Powerful.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Scott-Carson/631927855 Scott Carson

    Hey Chris,

    Thought provoking post. I must admit, I had to check the list of comments to see if it was only women talking about feelings. I know, women – old school. Anyway, I totally feel at any distance. I like a post I was reading today from Larry Brooks blog about how he sees life and writing as the same.

    I'm often cracking up at some of the stuff folks write, celebrating successes, and am saddened with disappointments and losses.

    I recently Tweeted and posted on Facebook how my dog, walking companion, Chess, would not be entering her second childhood with me because she can't chase cats anymore without limping a bit afterward. I am extremely sad about this and I shared it with the trust that folks feel my pain.

    After all, if we can't share this life, online or off with folks, what a lonely place this “space” would be. I don't know, I've just finished reading Trust Agents, and I feel that I know you and Julien more because of the emotion that came through, the ideas and concepts.

    It's really clear that there's two types when I read some peoples comments. Just like the phone, people feel safer with the distance and at times write with a boldness/rudeness where they may not had they been talking face to face.

    Scott

  • http://www.ivanwalsh.com Ivan Walsh

    People are the same online as offline.

    If they're genuine offline, they'll be the same on the web.
    If they're devious offline and backbiter etc, the same ugly traits will manifest online.

    What I like about the web it that it is actually quite transparent. Your BS detector can pick up when someone is fake.

    ..and the nature of the web is that these people get purged / ignored while the rest move on.

  • http://michaelschechter.me MSchechter

    One of my favorite things about recent changes online is the fact our pictures and real names are next to what we are saying. I just see such a difference in the way people speak to each other when their name is beside it. We seem to take more care with our words than when we hide behind non-sense names and random images. It does often feel like there are those of us who are talking and connecting to others and then there are those who are just talking to hear themselves speak.

  • johnrossharvey

    completely agree, having been an object of net abuse by a TROLL words hurt no matter the medium

  • http://www.achocolatebouquet.com/ Josanne

    I agree–I had someone leave a nasty comment on one of my articles, which I promptly removed, and wrote an article about leaving effective comments. Comments left to human beings are much more acceptable, even with a difference in opinion, or more insight into a topic, than comments that are left to a computer screen-had it been in person, I can't imagine they would have worded their thoughts the same way.

  • http://thepaisano.com Paisano®

    Right on the money. Too many people forget that there are fellow humans on the other side of that glass. These are not just words created out of thin air in the clouds.
    We can disagree and we should be open to contrary viewpoints and have civil conversations…but we must do so with respect. Always with respect.
    To add insult to injury, these few bad apples know they are doing something wrong because they almost always unleash their venom in disguise as anonymous posters (posers). I guess they can add cowardice to their resume of shame and cruelty,

  • http://www.netwitsthinktank.com frank barry

    I think it takes people time to consider online relationships “real” and to let those connections become deeper than the keys. Once you really start supporting others and then get support back things go beyond keys to a more personal level. Over time you can then connect emotions to those relationships.

    For me it's about taking the time to care enough to invest in others. That brings about emotion.

    http://franswaa.com

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    Hi,
    People often talk about how luck is a vital factor in business success in the offline world, not “only” skill.online, on the other hand, it seems like actual skill is almost 100% of the formula. It seems that the people who have successfully launched and marketed/SEO'd a website , have little trouble doing so again, and again and again.

  • stephaniegraham

    Well you better preach it Chris. Its all about treating others how you wish to be treated. Im all in like my buddies Elizabeth and Mari :)
    Have a great day all!

    This is totally random but it was a Twitter follower who was there for me with a relationship question. I told her about a situation with an ex of mine. She acted as a true friend. We DM back and forth and she was getting so upset about the situation, you would have thought we have been friends for years. I just came at her suddenly and she reacted quickly, and I felt better after it.

    Its all about relationships. :)

  • dancingbaglady

    I'm much better online. No ackward silent moments.

    I am one of “those” people now. Some of the best relationships are online. Some I have talked to on the phone, but many not.

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  • http://twitter.com/lokidil dileep

    It's nice !

  • http://www.zoombits.co.uk/memory-cards/sd-card sdhc

    You are true at your part and i completely agree with you but we cannot go ahead and teach or spread the message regarding this otherwise consequences has to be faced.We cant help it. One will believe it as a beneficial and helpful as it will help him and we cannot fight against him and on the other hand there are people whom this will not be as fruitful as it is for others here again we cannot go ahead and fight with them.

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  • http://www.paragraf.su/ Типография

    I say bring on the emotions! Frankly, we need so much more of that in this world. Participating in online communities, blogs, etc. gives people an opportunity to express who they are. That, I think, is a really good thing. Even if a few go over board – like what I saw happening on a back channel stream during a keynote Chris gave in Atlanta a few months back – that's better than someone never saying a word and then one day going postal on anyone in their line of sight.

  • http://www.yuregininsesi.com yuregininsesi

    You must be as real as you are in person as you are online. Great comments throughout about “real” vs “online”. What is different? Nothing – If you are a business and you don't use social media to connect, then you are wasting your time and if you decide to connect, but all you do is talk one-way and not the other (respond to your users), then you are just doing your business a dis-service.

    It doesn't matter if you are big or small. It just takes time and with consistency you will see the progress your hard work makes.

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