Guest Post- On Being Shy

September 28, 2008 · Comments

shy kitty This guest post comes to us from Mark Hayward

Heading to the BIG Conference – 10 Tips to Help you Overcome Wallflower Syndrome

Do you get shy when attending conferences, heading into big meetings, or just greeting someone new in a one on one situation?

Me too.

Last week Chris wrote a great post about making connections at conferences titled, The Me Game and while I was not able to attend Blogworld Expo 2008, hopefully you are still wallowing in the post conference afterglow.

If you are like me, and share some of the similar experiences that I have had in the past at various conferences, you are quite happy that you attended because you saw all of the big names like Liz Strauss, Brian Clark, and Guy Kawasaki.

Yet, you are feeling a little dismayed because you held back in certain situations and you could have made even more connections if you didn’t feel uncomfortable and awkward when meeting new people.

The Free Dictionary defines Shyness as follows:

“Drawing back from contact or familiarity with others; retiring or reserved”

We all know that the real value of being at any conference is the chance to meet new people, networking, and making connections on a personal level, which is not always easy when you are prone to standing back or sitting in the corner.

However, if you don’t go up to people and introduce yourself because you feel gawky, shy, or uncomfortable then you stand to lose a lot. In fact, a conference setting might be your one and only chance to meet and connect with a Jeff Pulver, Darren Rowse, or even the mayor of social media himself, Chris Brogan.

You also stand to lose a lot on an economic level. For instance, if you live far away from the meeting venue and don’t work in the industry you have probably invested a lot of money to attend conferences, possibly thousands of dollars when you consider entrance fees, transportation, and room and board expenses.

When you are talking about that kind of money you really do want every minute to count and be worth your time, energy, and expense and being shy should not hold you back.

Dealing with Shyness

It’s strange because I am quite self-confident and have an abundance self esteem, so I am not sure if my latent shyness was ingrained in my DNA from birth. For example, I ran away from my first day of nursery school when I was four years old and subsequently dropped out completely. Or, if it is a direct result of growing up as the “fat” kid and taking my fair share of verbal abuse.

All I know is that whenever I have to attend a big (or small) gathering or conference I revert back to feeling like a self-conscious awkward kid in Husky jeans.

Nevertheless, this post isn’t about me, it’s about you and I am pleased to report that with a lot of practice I have learned how to deal with feeling shy and in certain circumstances I have even come to enjoy networking and conference meet-ups.

Listed below are ten tips that I have come up with over the years that have worked for me in dealing with shyness and hopefully they can help you:

Before the Meeting

Accept Your Shyness – recognize and accept the fact that you are going to feel awkward in certain social situations and also understand that if you want to make BIG things happen then you are going to have to move beyond that uncomfortable nervous feeling and get into the game.

Make Initial Contact – try to make an initial connection with folks before you actually arrive at the conference by sending a quick (personalized) email to people you are hoping to interact with. I am not too much of a conversationalist and I find it really helps to break the ice when you do eventually meet up. You have an instant conversation topic, e.g. “Did you get my email” or “Thanks for replying to my email.”

Practice and Visualize – as noted above, you might only get one chance to meet someone that you would like to network with and I have found it extremely beneficial to work out in advance roughly what I am going to say. Also, in order to help my nerves, just like with any public speaking or presentation that I do, I visualize exactly how I want conference meetings to go. (Sounds hokey I know but it works.)

Challenges and Goals – If you are driven by challenge (like me) then set some goals for yourself. Write down who you want to connect with and if it’s a multi-day meeting then come up with a target number of people you would like to network with depending on how large conference attendance is.

Stress Relief – whatever you do to relieve stress, make sure you have a good dose of it on the morning you are to attend the conference. I like to run and exercise so in order to make myself feel less tense before any big meeting, job interview, or conference I go for a very long run.

At the Meeting

Breathe – Sounds elementary, but conscious, relaxed breathing will make you feel better.

Start Slowly – if the conference is more than one day then you don’t have to feel pressured to meet everyone at the first coffee break. I often like to sit back and just watch what is going on to get a feel for the tone and mood of the attendees.

Pitching or just Saying Hello – there will inevitably be people at the conference who you just want to say *hello* to and that can really be done anywhere. However, if you have traveled to the conference specifically to pitch your next killer idea to a specific attendee, then in order to deal with shyness I am typically willing to wait for the proper environment where I feel comfortable. For instance, I always find it easier to speak with people on a one on one basis, so I typically avoid going up to people right after they have made a presentation because they are usually surrounded by lots of people who have questions.

Approaching Groups – going up to groups of people and trying to join in on a conversation can be rather intimidating. I typically deal with this situation by treading lightly (remember to breath) and if an opportunity presents itself I try to jump in with a compliment directed towards the person who is leading the discussion. In terms of feeling self-conscious, I think the worst thing that you can do is to say something just for the sake of trying to participate. (You don’t want to be remembered as a tool bag.)

Make People Feel Comfortable– sounds counterintuitive, considering you are the shy one, but if you can make the people you are trying to network with comfortable then you will be more relaxed and settle down. I find this method can best be done with a joke or by starting a genuine conversation.

In closing, preparation is important, especially for people who are shy or reserved, but I also try to remember that some of my golden conference moments and connections have been made purely by happenstance, going with the flow, and letting things happen.

How about you? How do you deal with being shy or feeling awkward at conferences?

Mark Hayward is the creator and co-founder of the recently launched humanitarian initiative Train for Humanity. He is currently training for the Miami Man triathlon to raise $50,000 to help rebuild ShegegKaro School in Darfur which was recently bombed (and subsequently destroyed). You can follow him on Twitter or sign up for his blog feed.

Photo credit, Kaibara87

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  • One thing that helped me a lot was merely pretending that I wasn't shy, that I am a go-getter and a big people person. As a result, I was (and am) able to get out there and meet people and get things done.
  • Great tips Mark! I was the husky kid that ran away and hid from the bus on the first day of kindergarden too. Like you, I now feel like I have confidence and positive self-esteem, but when it come to meeting groups of strangers, I tend to freeze up. I get quiet and take everything in and then the next day I kick myself because I have all of these things I wish I had said. I will definitely try these techniques before my next big seminar or conference!
  • too shy to say my name!
    Thank you for this post. I can't tell you how great it is to hear someone else talk about this. I don't feel so alone anymore!
  • I would have never thought you were shy, Mark. But then I do only know you online. Shyness and lack of confidence are something I've struggled with my entire life. It's getting better but I have trouble gathering the courage to even go to a conference, much less approach and talk to people that I don't know.

    I especially liked your tips about making an initial contact in advance with someone you would like to meet and in accepting that you are shy. Thanks!
  • Lucy
    Good post Mark. I used to have problems approaching groups until I moved to the Caribbean. A handshake sometimes is replaced by a kiss on the cheek. It was a bit strange for me but it has become second nature.
  • Mark:

    Good to see your post here. I am not a shy person, but I usually stay quiet until the perfect moment to cut into the conversation.

    One thing I do often is the eye contact. Never move your eyes away from the person who is talking in the group. I always listen first and talk after that.

    Very good post! Stumbled!
  • Dawn Carter
    Hey Mark Hayward, fancy meeting you here!

    Thank you so much for this brilliant post.There is such wisdom here... for introverts and extroverts alike. (I tend to be an extrovert online where words are my friends, but can be overwhelmed at conferences.)

    Very nice post. Applying these tips will avoid post-conference regrets!

    Dawn
  • Mark -

    Like Kim, I especially like your tip of contacting someone prior to the conference to let them know you'll be there and you would love to connect with them. Like you mentioned, it gives you a couple of touch points and also enables that person to put a name (they've already encountered) with a face.

    I'd like to add, and I think Chris may have touched on this recently, that it's always great to have a couple of questions prepared. Having some solid thought-provoking questions to ask someone is a great way to ...

    A.) break the ice
    B.) take the attention of yourself, particularly if you're shy
    C.) show that your intuitive w/ a solid question and geuninely want knowledge
    D.) plays to their ego a bit in that they can showcase their expertise.

    Anyway, great contribution to Chris' Blog.
  • Seriously, this post couldn't come at a better time. Next weekend I'm going to my first ever WordCamp and shyness is one of my biggest problems.

    While I'm fine online, I person I tend to lock up. Hopefully I'll be able to incorporate some of your tips when I go!
  • Hey Mark,
    I'm shy too. Used to be painfully so. My family called me Bashful. Funny, isn't it, in that moment, we think the only one who's shy is us . . . when it could be that half the room is feeling exactly the same way. :)

    I find that if I lift my chin, smile, and start worrying about how other folks are feeling I don't think so much about who's looking at me. It helps a lot.

    Glad to meet you!
    Liz
  • One trick that works for me is showing up before the event starts, then helping people set up. I'm good with computers and electronics, so can usually find someone who needs help with their AV gear, a network connection, or other tech. So I get comfortable because I can work on something where I feel confident, and I get to make a connection at the same time.
    And having once or twice even saved someone's presentation, I've gotten some nice appreciation in the form of personal intros.
  • *Hi Kim - for me nowadays it's almost a laid back reservedness that I have because I find in many situations I just prefer to sit, listen, and watch. Although, in terms of business, I don't really have the luxury of doing that anymore since I purchased my small hotel here in the Caribbean. :)

    *Hi Lucy - I am right there with you when it comes to the kiss on the cheek! (A very common form of greeting here in Puerto Rico.)

    *Hi Dawn - how are you doing? thank you for your kind words.

    *Hey Terence - I would agree and I would also add a firm handshake to go along with that eye contact. If I am at a conference I usually have trouble remembering names (a whole other issue!) but I CAN always remember the person with the feeble "dead fish" handshake...and not in a good way.
  • *Hi Ryan - when I head to any conference I try to be as well prepared as I can and those are fantastic additional tips that you offer above!

    *Lyndon - best of luck to you at Word Camp. :)

    *Hey Liz Strauss - nice to me you, too!
  • Hi Mark

    I'm one of those folks who's inwardly terribly shy and outwardly gregarious. So most people don't believe it when I tell them I'm shy. One strategy that's worked for me is realizing that the other person is likely in the same boat as I, even if they are the SM "stars" or something along those lines. Removing my preconceptions of the other person evens the playing filed and adds a bit of comfort and boost.
  • I'm actually a pretty shy person. I can "do" big social gatherings if I mentally prepare for it in advance. I do this because I know how important it is to make connections and get to know others. I want to improve my relationships with those around me, but at the same time, the crush can get a bit overwhelming. Simply leaving the scene a bit early often helps if I feel like I've had enough sociablen-ness (Is that even a word? It is now!).
  • Hi Mark,

    What a very timely post. I work with teen entrepreneurs and although people tend to think they have a no fear attitude about anything and everything, truth be told, they share a lot of these same feelings and insecurities.

    I TALK alot to people in the street, on the bus, in line at the grocery store, the elevator, lol, but I also remember when I was young, speaking up and speaking out, was very much encouraged. My family went to a lot of socials, festivals, community and family events and not only were we 'coached' to make small talk with !!!everyone!!!! we also had to remember names and how people were connected (young and old alike). So today I find that to be an invaluable skill as it makes my world feel a little smaller these days. As for how it comes about I think that many of the people I know it was quite the opposite growing up for most of my peers. They say when they went to outings and family events they were taught to be on their 'best behavior' which many parents translated to sit down and keep quiet. So I don't believe that it comes as any surprise that many people share these feelings and sentiments.

    What has helped my youth a great deal is signing up for a toastmasters class (www.toastmasters.org) to overcome their general fear of speaking in public and interacting with people. Then when they build their confidence up they were with a speaking coach. It is also a great resource for those who want to craft their speech for their conferences.
  • *Hey Michael - "sociable-ness" has been duly added to my dictionary. :) Great new term for a Monday morning!

    *Hey Shonika - Toastmasters is a great organization. I am quite fortunate on the public speaking front because as a former Peace Corps volunteer I had to do presentations on a daily basis (and in a different language). As long as I have prepared well for the talk I actually enjoy public speaking....strange, I know, but I think it came with so much practice.
  • So glad you touched on this! There is so much great information out there about connecting, but this is also my experience. I'm confident otherwise, but have some sort of latent shyness in person that trips me up ALL. THE. TIME.

    I'm glad I'm not alone, and definitely will use these tips next time I'm faced with some shyness vaporlock.
  • There is a lot of great information in this post. One thing that has worked for me personally in these types of questions include having a couple of open-ended questions focused on the other party. This requires the person to talk about themselves and they end up doing the work which makes it easier for shy people like myself.

    The next key is to listen and use paraphrasing when necessary to make sure you understand the message being communicated. If you're doing more listening than talking in these settings, chances are you're doing a good job at relationship building.

    John P. Kreiss
    MorganSullivan, Inc.
    http://www.johnpkreiss.com
  • Hey Erica - you are definitely not alone! I think "shyness vaporlock" (as you so eloquently put it) affects many of us seemingly confident people. It's how we choose to deal with the shyness that determines our existence.

    Hi John - open ended questions...fantastic recommendation! That is actually how I greet most of the guests that come to stay with us and I find that it makes them comfortable right off the bat and in turn takes the pressure off of me.
  • Hi there Mark - I'm quite lucky. I guess I'm not too shy but it hasn't always been that way. I was ill for a good few years and it totally shot my confidence. I was afraid to leave the house alone, never mind attend a conference.

    I like your last tip best - making other folk feel comfortable. There's always likely to be folk that feel a lot more uncomfortable than you and it's a good idea to scan the room, look out for them and make them feel involved.

    What a brilliant guest post by the way. I love reading Chris's blog and yours too - it's nice to see you over here.
  • Great post, Mark. I especially enjoyed reading your tip about making others feel comfortable. When you don't make the meeting or networking about you, it helps ease the expectation you put on yourself about what the person you are meeting is thinking about you. When I remove the focus from myself and work on getting to know the other person, it's generally smooth sailing.
  • These are great tips on how to combat and overcome shyness, not only for business situations, but in general.
    Like everything else, for some, it takes practice.
  • I am glad to see this topic covered - especially considering how much time we all spend networking ONLINE, aka not-in-person. One thing that has always helped me when addressing a group is telling myself these folks are interested in what I have to say. It helps me eliminate any self-doubt before it has the chance to creep in.

    I'd also add that it helps when meeting in person to be comfortable with the silences. Sometimes we can feel compelled to fill up those silences, but it's okay to let them be! We don't always have to be "on"!

    Thanks for this great post Mark!
  • Jen
    I agree that having a challenge or goal will help a lot. I was determined to overcome my shyness when I attended BlogHer a few months ago. I told myself, if I was spending that much money to be there, then I was going to make the most out of it I could.

    Sometimes for events that last a few days it is good to find a buddy (unless you already came with one.) Once you find someone that has a few similar interests, it'll help having a familiar face in a crowd. Don't cling, but set up a few times to meet up during the event.

    Also it helps to have a place you can go to "turn off" for a moment if you need to gather yourself. It could be your hotel room, a cafe, gardens on the grounds of the hotel the event is at.. etc. Take a moment, breathe, shake out the sillies and head back in!
  • Hi Cath - thank you for your kind words. :) Running the B&B and (now) meeting new folks everyday it really does surprise me how much easier introductions go when you make the other party comfortable...

    Hi Zoey - it is truly amazing how much networking we do online! I think next week I might actually try to keep track of how much time I am on twitter, etc. And I agree about the silences, I actually like them, but I think that is when other people tend to get nervous.
  • GREAT guest post by Mark.

    One more tip. This is the "so what?" tip. Underneath all the shyness is a fear that people won't like you. If you approach new people with an openness and a "so what?" attitude (sans the arrogance), it will fare MUCH better.
  • Great post. I think sometimes though that shyness can be self-perpetuating in the sense that if you - I mean I - cut yourself off from strangers at the outset at a meeting/conference/seminar then you will remain cut off. And feel even more self-conscious.
  • Sancia
    Hi,
    Thanks for all the info.
    For me, i especially find that once i have known some one for enough time i can become totally out-going and some people would describe me as 'life of the party.'
    However when it comes to meeting new people, i become nervous and tense and often notice that i hide in the corners or slag behind. My main problem is talking to groups of people, as when i find myself with only one person, i can let myself be more relaxed and i'm not so shy.
    What i find helps is if you are with a well-known friend who can help you introduce you to this person.
    I am starting high-school next year and i realise that i have to met alot of new people. Just today, a person from one of the orientation days, said hello to me and i instantly became self-concious and shy.
    For others, I find that a 20-30 minute sessions of Yoga can help releif stress. Well, at least Yoga is a better way for realising stress than screaming into my pillow for 10 minutes???
    Thanks again. And good luck to all who others who are wanting to overcome shyness..
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