How Not to Be a Jerk in Facebook

chris brogan Ahhh, Facebook. I’m not a giant fan. But, it is one place to reach out and connect with people, and I do maintain a Facebook profile there, so when I dip in to check things out, it reminds me that not everyone uses it the same way. With that in mind, I had a few ideas I wanted to share.

But as I went in to gather up some screenshots, I found a mix of the good and the bad of using Facebook, so it changes how I intended to write about it. Just the same, I have some thoughts on Facebook, starting with your mug shot. Most of this is opinion, but it’s tempered by my experiences and interactions with professionals and casual connectors, so use it as you see fit.

Put up a HUMAN Picture

Don’t put up your company logo, and don’t put up one of those scary yearbooky-looking business photos that some folks seem to use. Where do you GET those? Please don’t look like you could go in this set:

photo credit by tifotter

Join a Few Groups- Not Just Your Company’s Group

As people are starting to understand how Facebook makes an interesting place to run an official group, they are building campaigns around acquiring group members. If you’re looking to get people to join your groups, try to be polite and join a few other people’s groups, too. Most of the ones in the picture above, I’m in as a sign of support to a friend. I’m not very active on them. What do you think? Should I leave groups where I’m inactive?

When Friending, Add a Line or Two

facebook friend request

I like this, because it’s a personable approach and he namedrops Baratunde Thurston.

Stop Spamming Me

spammy spam

Friending me so you can invite me to your stupid teleseminars isn’t cool. It’s not good marketing. It’s not good business. The rules of permission marketing that exist in the regular email world apply doubly or triply to here.

Email Etiquette

If we don’t know each other well, don’t make your first message after friending me about your dumb product, service, or company. Try to be a human first. Try to share yourself in a way that I get to know you. Chances are, I might actually want to know about your whatever. But I don’t bombard you once you meet me. Why are you doing it to me?

Bonus: Power Move

Here’s a secret. My favorite Facebook feature is the Birthdays box:

birthday box

But here’s what I do. Some of those people I don’t know as closely, so I don’t wish them happy Birthday. I just let it go by. But for people I know, if I get a moment to check Facebook and see that it’s his or her birthday, I drop them a regular email wishing them the Happy Birthday. Why? Because it is that extra step that shows it’s not a robotic response within a closed platform.

Sometimes, if I’m feeling extra nice (or have 5 minutes), I surf someecards.com, the funniest ecard site on the web (no relationship here, just a fact, jack!)

So what have I missed? What are your ideas? How would you advise folks not to be a jerk in Facebook? What’s your take on Poking? How do you decide what’s appropriate on that network?

Related posts:

  1. What Does Facebook Actually DO for Me
  2. Facebook is NOT for Blind Email Marketing
  3. Facebook and the Social Graph- Who Benefits
  4. 5 Starter Moves – Facebook LinkedIN and Twitter
  5. If I Owned Facebook

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  • http://steveellwood.com Steve Ellwood

    I have both friends (dating back to school) and work colleagues on Facebook. I don’t mind mixing the two, as I want to be able to build trust with folk – so they see me as I am… whether that’s a good or bad thing I leave to them.

    I won’t accept friend requests from people I don’t know (usually, I know folk online rather than F2F), and I don’t add applications from *anyone*.

    Spam me, lose me as a contact.

  • Angel Galloway

    I am surprised that nobody has mentioned what I consider a major FFP…updating to all your friends about how someone else you know won’t friend you?

    As you can see from the comments, different people have different comfort levels with regards to their interactions on any given social media platform. Some do not want to interact with business associates, only friends. Others interact with both freely. Beyond overtly spammy behavior, understanding how each person wants to interact on any given platform and respecting that is key if you’re going to use the platform, don’t you think?

  • Angel Galloway

    I am surprised that nobody has mentioned what I consider a major FFP…updating to all your friends about how someone else you know won’t friend you?

    As you can see from the comments, different people have different comfort levels with regards to their interactions on any given social media platform. Some do not want to interact with business associates, only friends. Others interact with both freely. Beyond overtly spammy behavior, understanding how each person wants to interact on any given platform and respecting that is key if you’re going to use the platform, don’t you think?

  • http://www.krisadams.co.za Kris

    Facebook etiquette :)

    Thats a funny topic. Man, facebook is popular..

    Thanks for the post though. I think your idea of sending a
    regular email for a HAPPY BIRTHDAY message is cool. As if you go to their profile on someone’s birthday, it is littered with birthday messages.

  • http://www.krisadams.co.za Kris

    Facebook etiquette :)

    Thats a funny topic. Man, facebook is popular..

    Thanks for the post though. I think your idea of sending a
    regular email for a HAPPY BIRTHDAY message is cool. As if you go to their profile on someone’s birthday, it is littered with birthday messages.

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  • http://stevenimmons.org Steve Nimmons

    I can tolerate just about anything on Facebook except people making sarcastic or uniquely witty remarks about my status or photos. That can be really annoying, especially if it’s from someone I don’t know well. Death by application can be a bit tiresome, and the join this group, join this cause, attend this event ‘chatter’ can be a bit grating. Filters would be useful, for example don’t invite me to events in Paris when I’m based in London. There are ways to make that more sophisticated of course, but a preference filter would really help shield the invite noise.

  • http://blog.stevenimmons.org Steve Nimmons

    I can tolerate just about anything on Facebook except people making sarcastic or uniquely witty remarks about my status or photos. That can be really annoying, especially if it’s from someone I don’t know well. Death by application can be a bit tiresome, and the join this group, join this cause, attend this event ‘chatter’ can be a bit grating. Filters would be useful, for example don’t invite me to events in Paris when I’m based in London. There are ways to make that more sophisticated of course, but a preference filter would really help shield the invite noise.

  • http://www.internetgaze.com/ Hunny

    The ways you have mentioned are good, I think. A human approach is required before selling the product n only in this way we can add more users to our friend network.

  • http://www.internetgaze.com/ Hunny

    The ways you have mentioned are good, I think. A human approach is required before selling the product n only in this way we can add more users to our friend network.

  • http://dougist.com Doug

    Just to sound like an old grey haired guy for second, the kids have this all figured out.

    I listen to my teenagers talk about their extensive facebook relationships and they have rules for who gets added when, who gets ignored when and for what reason, what happens when you poke someone, what the criteria are for deletion, etc… The rules are complex, elaborate and well understood by their communities. Some one needs to send Margaret Mead out to the field to study this strange new tribe.

    Us old folks are just catching up with them, or trying to keep up with them as they zoom away on their advanced social network skills.

    Doug

  • http://dougist.com Doug

    Just to sound like an old grey haired guy for second, the kids have this all figured out.

    I listen to my teenagers talk about their extensive facebook relationships and they have rules for who gets added when, who gets ignored when and for what reason, what happens when you poke someone, what the criteria are for deletion, etc… The rules are complex, elaborate and well understood by their communities. Some one needs to send Margaret Mead out to the field to study this strange new tribe.

    Us old folks are just catching up with them, or trying to keep up with them as they zoom away on their advanced social network skills.

    Doug

  • http://www.gavoweb.com gavin

    as a youth pastor who uses facebook, the birthday feature is gold for me. i’ll try to not be a jerk.. are we even friends on fb?

  • http://www.gavoweb.com gavin

    as a youth pastor who uses facebook, the birthday feature is gold for me. i’ll try to not be a jerk.. are we even friends on fb?

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  • http://www.beckywilliamson.com Becky Williamson

    Great post, Chris. Haven’t been to your blog before. Will definitely visit again.
    I’m relatively new to social networking (less than a year on Facebook and Twitter) and I’m always interested to learn how to best use the sites and not be a jerk.

    Becky Williamson
    http://www.beckywilliamson.com

  • http://www.beckywilliamson.com Becky Williamson

    Great post, Chris. Haven’t been to your blog before. Will definitely visit again.
    I’m relatively new to social networking (less than a year on Facebook and Twitter) and I’m always interested to learn how to best use the sites and not be a jerk.

    Becky Williamson
    http://www.beckywilliamson.com

  • http://ispecialist.green-ize.com April, the i specialist

    I was glad to read your post, and also happy to read comments by Julie Baker and Justin. I’ve been debating what to do about my “friends”, too. I was thinking about keeping FB only for personal use. I don’t have a lot of FB friends yet, and only one is a former co-worker. After reading through the rest of the comments, though I think that I like the idea of blurring the line a bit (it makes things easier), but only adding people I actually know as friends (sorry, I don’t remember who said that). I like having a social network that’s just people I haven’t seen in 20 years and people that I still know well — without either of us trying to promote anything to each other.

    @Chris – Funny you mentioned the photo. I actually just uploaded one today. My preteen took it and I’ve been using it on all my sites. He’s been trying to help and I finally found a good contribution for him.

    I tend to ignore applications,too. I don’t know what they do or what information they get access to — so I just let those requests sit.

  • http://ispecialist.green-ize.com April, the i specialist

    I was glad to read your post, and also happy to read comments by Julie Baker and Justin. I’ve been debating what to do about my “friends”, too. I was thinking about keeping FB only for personal use. I don’t have a lot of FB friends yet, and only one is a former co-worker. After reading through the rest of the comments, though I think that I like the idea of blurring the line a bit (it makes things easier), but only adding people I actually know as friends (sorry, I don’t remember who said that). I like having a social network that’s just people I haven’t seen in 20 years and people that I still know well — without either of us trying to promote anything to each other.

    @Chris – Funny you mentioned the photo. I actually just uploaded one today. My preteen took it and I’ve been using it on all my sites. He’s been trying to help and I finally found a good contribution for him.

    I tend to ignore applications,too. I don’t know what they do or what information they get access to — so I just let those requests sit.

  • http://ispecialist.green-ize.com April, the i specialist

    I was glad to read your post, and also happy to read comments by Julie Baker and Justin. I’ve been debating what to do about my “friends”, too. I was thinking about keeping FB only for personal use. I don’t have a lot of FB friends yet, and only one is a former co-worker. After reading through the rest of the comments, though I think that I like the idea of blurring the line a bit (it makes things easier), but only adding people I actually know as friends (sorry, I don’t remember who said that). I like having a social network that’s just people I haven’t seen in 20 years and people that I still know well — without either of us trying to promote anything to each other.

    @Chris – Funny you mentioned the photo. I actually just uploaded one today. My preteen took it and I’ve been using it on all my sites. He’s been trying to help and I finally found a good contribution for him.

    I tend to ignore applications,too. I don’t know what they do or what information they get access to — so I just let those requests sit.

  • Jilly

    poking = creepy

    I’m at 576 requests for application downloads, I don’t want a snowball fight, and I have no interest in zombie wars = meh

    the friend who sends a personal note and posts it on my main page

    Human pets – You’ve be Pet. wtf does that mean? I’ve been pet?

    Save the rainforest = so and so has saved 8 square meters of rainforest -yeahhh, mkay.

    And finally, the app is slow like molasses.

  • Jilly

    poking = creepy

    I’m at 576 requests for application downloads, I don’t want a snowball fight, and I have no interest in zombie wars = meh

    the friend who sends a personal note and posts it on my main page

    Human pets – You’ve be Pet. wtf does that mean? I’ve been pet?

    Save the rainforest = so and so has saved 8 square meters of rainforest -yeahhh, mkay.

    And finally, the app is slow like molasses.

  • Jilly

    poking = creepy

    I’m at 576 requests for application downloads, I don’t want a snowball fight, and I have no interest in zombie wars = meh

    the friend who sends a personal note and posts it on my main page

    Human pets – You’ve be Pet. wtf does that mean? I’ve been pet?

    Save the rainforest = so and so has saved 8 square meters of rainforest -yeahhh, mkay.

    And finally, the app is slow like molasses.

  • http://www.twitter.com/woodysworldtv WoodysWorldTV

    I think there needs to be an honorable mention for “not being a jerk in Facebook” about controlling your friends.

    Most of us use Facebook in a blend of personal and professional purposes. Many of your professional friends hope not to get bogged down with status updates of you tossing fuzzy animals or snowballs at one another–or worse yet, them. And, most of your personal friends don’t care to get bogged down about the true media value of the impressions from your latest blog (although some of mine do…haha).

    But, the biggest catch in that mix is controlling friends from tagging you in a picture of you at a kegger doing your favorite lampshade trick. You get tagged, and all-too-quickly it is served up to all your professional friends who now know you look good in a lampshade. Not to mention, if they’re a little savvy, the rest of the album is fair game as well.

    I live my life somewhat openly and I’m pretty consistent across the board, but I still know there’s a few minutes in my life I’d rather not have shared with my clients. Just sayin…

  • http://www.twitter.com/woodysworldtv WoodysWorldTV

    I think there needs to be an honorable mention for “not being a jerk in Facebook” about controlling your friends.

    Most of us use Facebook in a blend of personal and professional purposes. Many of your professional friends hope not to get bogged down with status updates of you tossing fuzzy animals or snowballs at one another–or worse yet, them. And, most of your personal friends don’t care to get bogged down about the true media value of the impressions from your latest blog (although some of mine do…haha).

    But, the biggest catch in that mix is controlling friends from tagging you in a picture of you at a kegger doing your favorite lampshade trick. You get tagged, and all-too-quickly it is served up to all your professional friends who now know you look good in a lampshade. Not to mention, if they’re a little savvy, the rest of the album is fair game as well.

    I live my life somewhat openly and I’m pretty consistent across the board, but I still know there’s a few minutes in my life I’d rather not have shared with my clients. Just sayin…

  • http://www.twitter.com/woodysworldtv WoodysWorldTV

    I think there needs to be an honorable mention for “not being a jerk in Facebook” about controlling your friends.

    Most of us use Facebook in a blend of personal and professional purposes. Many of your professional friends hope not to get bogged down with status updates of you tossing fuzzy animals or snowballs at one another–or worse yet, them. And, most of your personal friends don’t care to get bogged down about the true media value of the impressions from your latest blog (although some of mine do…haha).

    But, the biggest catch in that mix is controlling friends from tagging you in a picture of you at a kegger doing your favorite lampshade trick. You get tagged, and all-too-quickly it is served up to all your professional friends who now know you look good in a lampshade. Not to mention, if they’re a little savvy, the rest of the album is fair game as well.

    I live my life somewhat openly and I’m pretty consistent across the board, but I still know there’s a few minutes in my life I’d rather not have shared with my clients. Just sayin…

  • http://www.savvydoula.com Darlene

    I use FB, Twitter and LinkedIn and have found ways to make each of them work for me. I don’t care for the spam emails. I limit any promo stuff I send to people who join my groups or are fans. I do like to be mindful of geographical location. Seems silly to send an invite to an Austin event to someone who doesn’t live here!

    I really love that FB has brought me back in touch with old classmates (even ones I wasn’t close with in school), current colleagues and friends, and I’ve been careful about who I accept as friends by checking out their profile and figuring out which friends we have in common.

    The apps for the most part annoy me, but occasionally I play along when I’m feeling silly. Otherwise I ignore a lot of them. I’ve been able to get business leads and help through Facebook and have built some connections with people I never thought I would, so it’s been great. I think Facebook is a wonderful way to get a peek into friends’ lives. I learn so much about people and it’s a bit more intimate than the random email. I feel like I keep in touch with the people I like in Facebook.

    With Twitter I feel more free to share in random conversation. I have rather loose rules on who I friend. I’ve only been offended a couple of times and in those cases simply unfollow those people. Twitter is great for business, for discovering great new stories, and it’s just not very serious. And I’m making new friends this way.

  • http://www.savvydoula.com Darlene

    I use FB, Twitter and LinkedIn and have found ways to make each of them work for me. I don’t care for the spam emails. I limit any promo stuff I send to people who join my groups or are fans. I do like to be mindful of geographical location. Seems silly to send an invite to an Austin event to someone who doesn’t live here!

    I really love that FB has brought me back in touch with old classmates (even ones I wasn’t close with in school), current colleagues and friends, and I’ve been careful about who I accept as friends by checking out their profile and figuring out which friends we have in common.

    The apps for the most part annoy me, but occasionally I play along when I’m feeling silly. Otherwise I ignore a lot of them. I’ve been able to get business leads and help through Facebook and have built some connections with people I never thought I would, so it’s been great. I think Facebook is a wonderful way to get a peek into friends’ lives. I learn so much about people and it’s a bit more intimate than the random email. I feel like I keep in touch with the people I like in Facebook.

    With Twitter I feel more free to share in random conversation. I have rather loose rules on who I friend. I’ve only been offended a couple of times and in those cases simply unfollow those people. Twitter is great for business, for discovering great new stories, and it’s just not very serious. And I’m making new friends this way.

  • http://www.savvydoula.com Darlene

    I use FB, Twitter and LinkedIn and have found ways to make each of them work for me. I don’t care for the spam emails. I limit any promo stuff I send to people who join my groups or are fans. I do like to be mindful of geographical location. Seems silly to send an invite to an Austin event to someone who doesn’t live here!

    I really love that FB has brought me back in touch with old classmates (even ones I wasn’t close with in school), current colleagues and friends, and I’ve been careful about who I accept as friends by checking out their profile and figuring out which friends we have in common.

    The apps for the most part annoy me, but occasionally I play along when I’m feeling silly. Otherwise I ignore a lot of them. I’ve been able to get business leads and help through Facebook and have built some connections with people I never thought I would, so it’s been great. I think Facebook is a wonderful way to get a peek into friends’ lives. I learn so much about people and it’s a bit more intimate than the random email. I feel like I keep in touch with the people I like in Facebook.

    With Twitter I feel more free to share in random conversation. I have rather loose rules on who I friend. I’ve only been offended a couple of times and in those cases simply unfollow those people. Twitter is great for business, for discovering great new stories, and it’s just not very serious. And I’m making new friends this way.

  • http://www.restaurantjobboard.com/blog Dat To

    Thank you for your information on what not to do. You should invite people to a teleseminar… just kidding. These social platforms are so exciting that people like myself just jump on and start spewing on people and not understanding that the medium has changed, but the way of interacting with human beings hasn’t.

  • http://www.restaurantjobboard.com/blog Dat To

    Thank you for your information on what not to do. You should invite people to a teleseminar… just kidding. These social platforms are so exciting that people like myself just jump on and start spewing on people and not understanding that the medium has changed, but the way of interacting with human beings hasn’t.

  • http://www.restaurantjobboard.com/blog Dat To

    Thank you for your information on what not to do. You should invite people to a teleseminar… just kidding. These social platforms are so exciting that people like myself just jump on and start spewing on people and not understanding that the medium has changed, but the way of interacting with human beings hasn’t.

  • Marth

    Is if there’s a way to block other “friends” from seeing when you’re on FB? It’s annoying to go on FB and see other “friends” pop up. I feel like I’m in the same room with people I know, but choosing to ignore them. It’s rude…and I don’t like to be rude…but I prefer to FB alone.

  • Marth

    Is if there’s a way to block other “friends” from seeing when you’re on FB? It’s annoying to go on FB and see other “friends” pop up. I feel like I’m in the same room with people I know, but choosing to ignore them. It’s rude…and I don’t like to be rude…but I prefer to FB alone.

  • http://n/a Marth

    Is if there’s a way to block other “friends” from seeing when you’re on FB? It’s annoying to go on FB and see other “friends” pop up. I feel like I’m in the same room with people I know, but choosing to ignore them. It’s rude…and I don’t like to be rude…but I prefer to FB alone.

  • http://www.matthewbibby.com Matthew Bibby

    Thanks for the wonderful post.

    I have been struggling with facebook, trying to find where it fits in the scheme of things. Much attention is given to how to manage, develop and operate successful outposts (Twitter, Vimeo groups etc.) however little has been said about how to best manage the outposts that you ‘have’ to have, however potentially provide little value.

    I have just been and ‘culled’ a number of ‘friends’ from my Facebook page and am now wondering if I should just accept all friend requests and just log in to check birthdays :)

    Keep up the great work!

    Matt.

  • http://www.matthewbibby.com Matthew Bibby

    Thanks for the wonderful post.

    I have been struggling with facebook, trying to find where it fits in the scheme of things. Much attention is given to how to manage, develop and operate successful outposts (Twitter, Vimeo groups etc.) however little has been said about how to best manage the outposts that you ‘have’ to have, however potentially provide little value.

    I have just been and ‘culled’ a number of ‘friends’ from my Facebook page and am now wondering if I should just accept all friend requests and just log in to check birthdays :)

    Keep up the great work!

    Matt.

  • http://www.matthewbibby.com Matthew Bibby

    Thanks for the wonderful post.

    I have been struggling with facebook, trying to find where it fits in the scheme of things. Much attention is given to how to manage, develop and operate successful outposts (Twitter, Vimeo groups etc.) however little has been said about how to best manage the outposts that you ‘have’ to have, however potentially provide little value.

    I have just been and ‘culled’ a number of ‘friends’ from my Facebook page and am now wondering if I should just accept all friend requests and just log in to check birthdays :)

    Keep up the great work!

    Matt.

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  • Vicky

    A very well written article with many good points, but advice on several things I disagree with. The first being that you seem to promote adding people that you do not know, which I think is rather pointless and being rather too liberal with your information – unless you are doing it purely as a business-promoting action and your personal information/pictures are not available.

    Secondly, personally I don't like it when people join hundreds of groups and remain inactive – if only a handful of groups appear on a person's profile it means that those groups actually mean something to that individual and that they haven't just joined 50 groups that they just happened to see.

    Of course it is all just opinion. Everyone uses Facebook for different things – I use it to stay in touch with my friends around the country, others use it as a business tool. Some use it as some sort of cheap and easy popularity contest, which is always very sad to see.

    But generally, well done!
    Vicky

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