February 18, 2009 141 Comments

It’s All About You

Faces at Home

How Do You Talk About Yourself?

There’s a huge difference between someone saying that you’re amazing and you saying it about yourself. On the one hand, you sometimes have to explain your credentials. For instance, if I’m asking you to think about what I’m saying, you might want to know my credentials, my qualifications, where I’m from. That’s why blogs have an About page (or at least, that’s the best way to use an about page, in my not nearly humble opinion). But there really is a huge difference between explaining your perspective versus outright bragging about yourself.

No, you can’t really cheat by restating what others have said about you. That’s still basically going to come off as bragging (to me). And this works on the personal scale as well as the company scale.

Which works better? An ad about how awesome you are, or an ad about how awesome your customer is?

Keep the Conversation Focused on Your Customer

In advertising and marketing and all business communications, think about your customer. One way the iPod won the MP3 war was they came up with a way for customers to think easier about the product. It fits 1000 songs. That was wayyyyyyyyy easier to understand than number of megabytes. Thus, the conversation was from the perspective of the customer.

Think of the old cheesy car salesperson. “Can you see yourself in this baby?” There’s a reason they say that. It works. People think from their own perspective.

In talking about yourself, talk instead about others, if you can.

I really loved what John Andrews was doing with his customer of the day blog posts for his little bistro. (Then again, I just read that John’s shop closed down, so does that make it a bad strategy?) John had the perspective that by praising his customers, they’d feel motivated to return. Seems reasonable to me.

Mick Galuski, who I wrote about as asmall town superhero, earns and keeps my business because he customizes his communication to me to make it about my interests. In turn, I praise Mick all the time, and talk with him about business, and give him potential ideas for future efforts.

What This Means to Personal Branding and Self-Promotion

In situations where you’re talking with others, do your best to talk more about them. Learn about them. Ask questions. The smartest people are those who plumb the depths of the other person, and come away knowing them deeply. We seem to fear, as humans, that the other person in a situation won’t hear us. We get worried that we’ll leave a conversation somehow unequally.

Strangely, the most “important” people (in at least the public business sense) I have ever met in my life have all asked me more about myself, and even with me trying hard to turn it around, they were gracious and interesting and still worked hard to know more about me than themselves. People like Vinod Khosla, Seth Godin, Guy Kawasaki, and many more have always started with more questions about me than about themselves.

If that’s how they roll, why wouldn’t you do the same yourself?

It’s certainly something I notice more often when meeting people, or learning more about them on the web. While writing this post, I was distracted twice to do other things, and in one case, I read someone’s about page on their blog and choked on how self-important they seemed (and hey, read mine and call me out if you think I seem stuck-up). The other was a request from someone whose event I once attended, where he spent the first 10 minutes doing a strange “you love me, you really love me” type performance. Great guy. Super smart. Off-putting as all hell to start an event that way.

What do you say?

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← Older Comments
  • http://www.seriousrunning.com/ Eddie Parber

    You are dead on here. The person who did this better than anyone else I have ever sat down and had a conversation with was also probably the most successful business person I have talked with, former CEO of AFC enterprises (Popeye’s Biscuts and Chicken) for 13 years. I met with him wanting to learn from his experiences and he kept keeping the conversation on me no matter how hard I tried to pick his brain!

    But I look to Mr. Donald Trump to go against this mold. The man is a shameless promoter of himself saying, “If you don’t promote yourself no one else will.” It seems to get the job done for him, he’s pretty dang successful. Maybe he wasn’t such a promoter of himself while he was rising to the top.

    So I’m not sure which policy is best for business but I do know that we should all probably shut up and listen to others more. Who do we all think we are?

  • http://www.seriousrunning.com/ Eddie Parber

    You are dead on here. The person who did this better than anyone else I have ever sat down and had a conversation with was also probably the most successful business person I have talked with, former CEO of AFC enterprises (Popeye’s Biscuts and Chicken) for 13 years. I met with him wanting to learn from his experiences and he kept keeping the conversation on me no matter how hard I tried to pick his brain!

    But I look to Mr. Donald Trump to go against this mold. The man is a shameless promoter of himself saying, “If you don’t promote yourself no one else will.” It seems to get the job done for him, he’s pretty dang successful. Maybe he wasn’t such a promoter of himself while he was rising to the top.

    So I’m not sure which policy is best for business but I do know that we should all probably shut up and listen to others more. Who do we all think we are?

  • http://www.launchsquad.com Emilie

    Folks who are sincerely more interested in what the other person is saying, doing and thinking than getting in their own word or tidbit are truly able to convey the quality of their character, which is that they are gracious, confident and satisfied with themselves and do not worry about whether their point is going to be understood. These are my favorite people because with these people true conversations actually take place, rather than stressed verbal and emotional posturing.

  • http://www.launchsquad.com Emilie

    Folks who are sincerely more interested in what the other person is saying, doing and thinking than getting in their own word or tidbit are truly able to convey the quality of their character, which is that they are gracious, confident and satisfied with themselves and do not worry about whether their point is going to be understood. These are my favorite people because with these people true conversations actually take place, rather than stressed verbal and emotional posturing.

  • http://ddgriffith.com DDGriffith

    Totally concur. Thank you for bringing such a valuable lesson to your pages. Never cease. Never tire. Please.

    I would truly love to spend a length of time with you and do nothing but ask questions about you, your life, your likes (and dislikes), your loves and how you filter and experience the world around you.

    In a generation some have labeled ‘Gen Me’, where as long as ‘my’ needs are met all is right with the world, more and more people seem to protect themselves from being vulnerable by isolating themselves in… well themselves.

    “Try to please everyone and no one is pleased. Try to please yourself and at least one person is pleased.” I believe this was attributed to PT Barnum who also said a fool was born every minute. Not exactly an attitude framed around creating, building and retaining relationships. We have digressed as a nation, and as a world community, from principle based relationships to personality based techniques.

    Studies done in the late 1990′s research what business would look like in the new millennium. Results coming back indicated that the future would look more like the past than the present. That there should be a return to the relationship based commerce done between people in neighborhood markets. Back to a time when the speed of life allowed taking time to earnestly andsincerely inquire about the people that you in fact owed your livelihood to. However, it was not done for the reciprocity. The reciprocity was a by-product of the relationship.

    There is so much opportunity and potential to live in the question with peers and constituents today, recreating more of the past into the future, relationally and exponentially making use of all of the emerging social medias.

    I appreciate a voice singing for this and appreciate, as I read other voices commenting in, a choir.

  • http://ddgriffith.eu/griffsays/ David D. “Griff” Griffith

    Totally concur. Thank you for bringing such a valuable lesson to your pages. Never cease. Never tire. Please.

    I would truly love to spend a length of time with you and do nothing but ask questions about you, your life, your likes (and dislikes), your loves and how you filter and experience the world around you.

    In a generation some have labeled ‘Gen Me’, where as long as ‘my’ needs are met all is right with the world, more and more people seem to protect themselves from being vulnerable by isolating themselves in… well themselves.

    “Try to please everyone and no one is pleased. Try to please yourself and at least one person is pleased.” I believe this was attributed to PT Barnum who also said a fool was born every minute. Not exactly an attitude framed around creating, building and retaining relationships. We have digressed as a nation, and as a world community, from principle based relationships to personality based techniques.

    Studies done in the late 1990′s research what business would look like in the new millennium. Results coming back indicated that the future would look more like the past than the present. That there should be a return to the relationship based commerce done between people in neighborhood markets. Back to a time when the speed of life allowed taking time to earnestly andsincerely inquire about the people that you in fact owed your livelihood to. However, it was not done for the reciprocity. The reciprocity was a by-product of the relationship.

    There is so much opportunity and potential to live in the question with peers and constituents today, recreating more of the past into the future, relationally and exponentially making use of all of the emerging social medias.

    I appreciate a voice singing for this and appreciate, as I read other voices commenting in, a choir.

  • http://dannybrown.me Danny Brown

    I think there’s reasons for both sides of the coin.

    We grow up, and generally our parents tell us “No-one likes a show-off” so we don’t like to talk about ourselves. Even if it’s in the *non-bragging* mould, we’re lectured into believing that one word about ourselves is bad.

    Then we go to school, and we’re told that again. The sports team is exactly that – a team, and rightly so. Unless you’re a solitary chess player, of course.

    Then we go to work as young adults, and we’re thrown into ice-breaker situations. Team meetings where our leaders say, “Right, you’re turn – who are you, what do you want here? Go.” Then we’re told that the only way to succeed is to put yourself out there – no-one climbs the corporate ladder by being Mr. Nice Guy.

    Then we die, and people don’t really know what to say about us because we’re this enigma that never really opened up (or opened up too much).

    Conversation is the breeding ground for community. Community is the breeding ground for knowledge. Knowledge is the breeding ground for success. How do we start a conversation? By asking about others.

    Do the math. :)

  • http://dannybrown.me Danny Brown

    I think there’s reasons for both sides of the coin.

    We grow up, and generally our parents tell us “No-one likes a show-off” so we don’t like to talk about ourselves. Even if it’s in the *non-bragging* mould, we’re lectured into believing that one word about ourselves is bad.

    Then we go to school, and we’re told that again. The sports team is exactly that – a team, and rightly so. Unless you’re a solitary chess player, of course.

    Then we go to work as young adults, and we’re thrown into ice-breaker situations. Team meetings where our leaders say, “Right, you’re turn – who are you, what do you want here? Go.” Then we’re told that the only way to succeed is to put yourself out there – no-one climbs the corporate ladder by being Mr. Nice Guy.

    Then we die, and people don’t really know what to say about us because we’re this enigma that never really opened up (or opened up too much).

    Conversation is the breeding ground for community. Community is the breeding ground for knowledge. Knowledge is the breeding ground for success. How do we start a conversation? By asking about others.

    Do the math. :)

  • http://www.totalcommunicationscoach.com/blog Joan Curtis

    Hi Chris,

    Great points. I coach some very dynamic, exciting people. There’s no question that for me the best client is a person who wants to grow, learn and be the best. When talking with people, I tend to focus on those things. You bring up something so important to marketing. Many of the groups I work with are shy about marketing themselves (These are often entrepreneurs). Once I explain that they are not ‘selling” themselves, they are learning about others. Their role when they meet someone is to learn more about them, i.e., to show a genuine curiosity about the other person. Even in networking events the goal is to gather cards, not to shove your card at every person you see. And, I might add, you need to gather cards from people with whom you connect, not with everyone.

    Taking this concept a step further and into the social media–particularly Twitter, why is it we still get people shoving themselves at us? I get weary of the tweets that say, “Hello here I am, check out my whatever,” before they know anything about me. Have you any tips for how to create a really good group of followers? Not just numbers, but people who understand the value of relationship? I read all your blogs and I’d love for you to share some ideas (I’ve read the rants).

    Best and thanks!
    Joan

  • http://www.totalcommunicationscoach.com/blog Joan Curtis

    Hi Chris,

    Great points. I coach some very dynamic, exciting people. There’s no question that for me the best client is a person who wants to grow, learn and be the best. When talking with people, I tend to focus on those things. You bring up something so important to marketing. Many of the groups I work with are shy about marketing themselves (These are often entrepreneurs). Once I explain that they are not ‘selling” themselves, they are learning about others. Their role when they meet someone is to learn more about them, i.e., to show a genuine curiosity about the other person. Even in networking events the goal is to gather cards, not to shove your card at every person you see. And, I might add, you need to gather cards from people with whom you connect, not with everyone.

    Taking this concept a step further and into the social media–particularly Twitter, why is it we still get people shoving themselves at us? I get weary of the tweets that say, “Hello here I am, check out my whatever,” before they know anything about me. Have you any tips for how to create a really good group of followers? Not just numbers, but people who understand the value of relationship? I read all your blogs and I’d love for you to share some ideas (I’ve read the rants).

    Best and thanks!
    Joan

  • http://www.mikemccready.ca/blog/ Mike McCready

    I think this a great post and some great comments. I’ve been thinking a lot about being authentic and I think that goes hand-in-hand with what you’re saying Chris. When someone comes off as arrogant or a know-it-all, they loose that sense of authenticity. Being authentic is about being genuine and sincere. How can a client think you are genuinely concerned about their business if you talk about yourself.

    Working at a higher education institution, this is becoming particularly important. To slightly modify one of you statements in your post:

    Which works better? An ad about how awesome your school is, or a student saying how awesome your school is?

    I wrote a blog post with my thoughts on the subject.

    Thanks for your post, it was a good read.

  • http://www.mikemccready.ca/blog/ Michael McCready

    I think this a great post and some great comments. I’ve been thinking a lot about being authentic and I think that goes hand-in-hand with what you’re saying Chris. When someone comes off as arrogant or a know-it-all, they loose that sense of authenticity. Being authentic is about being genuine and sincere. How can a client think you are genuinely concerned about their business if you talk about yourself.

    Working at a higher education institution, this is becoming particularly important. To slightly modify one of you statements in your post:

    Which works better? An ad about how awesome your school is, or a student saying how awesome your school is?

    I wrote a blog post with my thoughts on the subject.

    Thanks for your post, it was a good read.

  • http://www.reachpersonalbranding.com williamarruda

    Thanks, Chris, for the important clarification on personal branding. It’s not about you – but about how you can use who you are to add value to others – that’s the power of personal branding. There are lots of misconceptions about personal branding – and the biggest being that personal branding means telling people about how great you are. Effective personal branding is actually about demonstrating your unique promise of value clearly and consistently with everything you do.

    Best.
    William
    http://www.williamarruda.com

  • http://www.reachcc.com William Arruda

    Thanks, Chris, for the important clarification on personal branding. It’s not about you – but about how you can use who you are to add value to others – that’s the power of personal branding. There are lots of misconceptions about personal branding – and the biggest being that personal branding means telling people about how great you are. Effective personal branding is actually about demonstrating your unique promise of value clearly and consistently with everything you do.

    Best.
    William
    http://www.williamarruda.com

  • Kristen Park

    Really love the disclosures part of your bio!

  • Kristen Park

    Really love the disclosures part of your bio!

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  • Sasha Kane

    Love this blog Chris. Lately have been a bit lost when it come to sane Social Media politics/policies. Recently Tweeted” If I were a brand what brand would I be…Only to come away red faced.

    I agree it is all about the other person…All about the experience and the relationships Social Media draws you into.

    By the way I love the picture on your blog. Looks like a happy memory for you and your little girl..So I guess will add one more to the list…It is also about the memories.

    Good words Chris as always.

  • Sasha Kane

    Love this blog Chris. Lately have been a bit lost when it come to sane Social Media politics/policies. Recently Tweeted” If I were a brand what brand would I be…Only to come away red faced.

    I agree it is all about the other person…All about the experience and the relationships Social Media draws you into.

    By the way I love the picture on your blog. Looks like a happy memory for you and your little girl..So I guess will add one more to the list…It is also about the memories.

    Good words Chris as always.

  • http://chefmax.wordpress.com/ chef max

    Thanks for the post Chris. I was having a hard time with this today. I want to set myself up as an expert but I do not want to spend the time name dropping or talking about the places I worked. I know this will turn off people, as I would sometimes be turned off. Sometimes I find it really cool to listen to where people have been with thier lives. It may all just be in the story telling part of this.The balance, as in everything, is the hardest part to achieve.

  • http://chefmax.wordpress.com/ chef max

    Thanks for the post Chris. I was having a hard time with this today. I want to set myself up as an expert but I do not want to spend the time name dropping or talking about the places I worked. I know this will turn off people, as I would sometimes be turned off. Sometimes I find it really cool to listen to where people have been with thier lives. It may all just be in the story telling part of this.The balance, as in everything, is the hardest part to achieve.

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  • http://www.hitsthatclick.com/blog Michael Slawin

    Chris,

    Once again a really great post. When I remember to listen more….learn more….I actually gain insight into myself. Have met some really wonderful people that are involved in the online space here in St Louis–one of the things they have in common is that they listen.

    Thanks for the reminder–and thanks for listening!

  • http://www.hitsthatclick.com/blog Michael Slawin

    Chris,

    Once again a really great post. When I remember to listen more….learn more….I actually gain insight into myself. Have met some really wonderful people that are involved in the online space here in St Louis–one of the things they have in common is that they listen.

    Thanks for the reminder–and thanks for listening!

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  • http://blog.wonderwebby.com Jasmin

    Hi Chris. I’ve met the positive kind of people you describe. People who don’t have much time, but always have time for others.People who take the time to stop, listen, and pay attention.
    Recently I sat in a meeting where somebody was using two mobile phones under the table while people were talking. Perhaps he thought he was listening and able to multitask,but he certainly let us know what he thought was important. When I write on my personal blog I feel hyper-aware of when I am using ‘I’ too much. I really want it to be about others, although I guess the nature of personal blogging is that it pivots around my own view of the world. I would rather let people know what we have in common and why we should connect, rather than telling them they should read my blog because of any kind of self importance. Our stories and our backgrounds are part of what helps us to connect, the trick I find is not letting those stories become our identities.

  • http://blog.wonderwebby.com Jasmin

    Hi Chris. I’ve met the positive kind of people you describe. People who don’t have much time, but always have time for others.People who take the time to stop, listen, and pay attention.
    Recently I sat in a meeting where somebody was using two mobile phones under the table while people were talking. Perhaps he thought he was listening and able to multitask,but he certainly let us know what he thought was important. When I write on my personal blog I feel hyper-aware of when I am using ‘I’ too much. I really want it to be about others, although I guess the nature of personal blogging is that it pivots around my own view of the world. I would rather let people know what we have in common and why we should connect, rather than telling them they should read my blog because of any kind of self importance. Our stories and our backgrounds are part of what helps us to connect, the trick I find is not letting those stories become our identities.

  • http://adrielhampton.wordpress.com Adriel Hampton

    I do pro bono communications and political consulting for friends and just about anybody who wants to talk about the stuff that interests me. Your advice is spot on, at least for someone like me who has absolutely NO PROBLEM talking about himself for sustained periods of time (hope that wasn’t my “about” page you were looking at!).
    I got similar advice from @krazykriz, a very smart Gov 2.0 guy, who recommended always starting out a training or consulting session by asking what the problems are that need solving. Sometimes I think I know, but that’s not always so.
    Along with asking questions, I find it’s great to talk up what other people are doing. It adds to the community, and may create relationships that are ultimately going to be much more valuable than a back and forth with me.

  • http://adrielhampton.wordpress.com Adriel Hampton

    I do pro bono communications and political consulting for friends and just about anybody who wants to talk about the stuff that interests me. Your advice is spot on, at least for someone like me who has absolutely NO PROBLEM talking about himself for sustained periods of time (hope that wasn’t my “about” page you were looking at!).
    I got similar advice from @krazykriz, a very smart Gov 2.0 guy, who recommended always starting out a training or consulting session by asking what the problems are that need solving. Sometimes I think I know, but that’s not always so.
    Along with asking questions, I find it’s great to talk up what other people are doing. It adds to the community, and may create relationships that are ultimately going to be much more valuable than a back and forth with me.

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  • http://AlbanAcupuncture.com Joe Alban

    Great post. It is very easy, especially in my field, acupuncture and Chinese medicine, to talk about yourself, your training, your thought process, your approach, etc. The trick is to keep it other focused, and still bring out your uniqueness.

    That is where there is a great balance, a yin yang relationship (forgive me) between the blog and the about page. The about page is yin, that means it is the foundation, the solid ground which says who you are and what you can do for the client. The Yang, which is more active, is more about the creating the personality, the teaching, going out to the internet world and getting known. But without the strong foundation, it will not attract anybody, it will just be waster cyber energy.

    Sad to hear your favorite cafe is closing it’s doors. I really liked their idea for the blog and was considering something a little similar for my blog about my acupuncture practice.

  • http://AlbanAcupuncture.com Joe Alban

    Great post. It is very easy, especially in my field, acupuncture and Chinese medicine, to talk about yourself, your training, your thought process, your approach, etc. The trick is to keep it other focused, and still bring out your uniqueness.

    That is where there is a great balance, a yin yang relationship (forgive me) between the blog and the about page. The about page is yin, that means it is the foundation, the solid ground which says who you are and what you can do for the client. The Yang, which is more active, is more about the creating the personality, the teaching, going out to the internet world and getting known. But without the strong foundation, it will not attract anybody, it will just be waster cyber energy.

    Sad to hear your favorite cafe is closing it’s doors. I really liked their idea for the blog and was considering something a little similar for my blog about my acupuncture practice.

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