Saying No

May 6, 2008 · Comments

stop sign Doing anything well requires the ability to keep your plates clean and ready to accept a helping of what comes next, but by saying yes to every little thing that comes along, one will be less likely to be ready to handle the things that come up. ( David Allen, author of Getting Things Done, handled this topic well in his book, Ready for Anything). In looking over all that I have on my plate, I realize that I have to go back and say no to a few things, in order to be fair to my more pressing obligations.

I should state clearly that part of this stems from my eagerness to please, and my own weakness and aversion around saying no firmly.

It’s not easy to back out of things. The feeling of guilt for not completing a project is high. The sense that you’re letting someone down is a heavy lump in your belly. And yet, once one realizes that one isn’t going to be able to maintain the current pace, and that maybe one has bitten off too much, there’s really no other path (unless pure destruction is a path).

This morning, I sent notes to several people I respect and admire telling them that I had to back out of a commitment. I know that they will be disappointed. And yet, I think they’d hate it more if I put them in a rough spot closer to their deadline.

How to Assess Your Priorities

It should seem easy to know what’s important. Your family is important. Your job is important. But once you get beyond those two, how do you assess what you do for passion, for community, and for self-fulfillment? That’s where the confusion gets strongest. In my case, I did the following:

  • Made a conscious commitment to the work I’m doing for salary.
  • Made a conscious commitment to find more family time.
  • Made a conscious commitment to the book I’m writing with Julien Smith.
  • Made a conscious commitment to the community I started with Christopher S. Penn.
  • Re-assessed which projects I was doing for business development.
  • Re-assessed which projects I was doing for larger community.
  • Re-assessed all the “can you just take a look at this?” projects I have in queue.

What I’ve decided in my assessment was this:

  • My relationship with my company is going well and I want to try some more things with them. We’re working on new projects that I find challenging and interesting (which is what motivates me).
  • PodCamp still has lots of evolution left in it, and I like working with Christopher S. Penn and Whitney Hoffman.
  • Julien and I worked on the book while in Chicago, and now we’re REALLY excited about what we have.
  • I will still evaluate speaking and private education opportunities for companies, but will have to better assess how that impacts my travel schedule and my family commitments.
  • Where I’m stuck in the weeds is with all the “can you take a look at this” types of opportunities.

What Comes Next

It’s not like I’m closing shop or not interested in hearing from you. It’s not like I want to go into a cave and just work on my job, my book, and my family. But I will be a lot more clever in how I respond to the opportunities that come across my path. That’s where I should make a clear assessment and then move on with that decision in mind.

I’m still going to attend several events over the coming year. I’ll still be active in the social media scene. I’m still working on delivering quality information based on learning, execution, and extrapolation. I’m just going to work harder on being more fair to the primary commitments in my life.

Thank You

I’m forever grateful for the support of the community at large, and for all the wonderful people who like me enough to share with me their projects and passionate work. Don’t go away. Stick around, and see who else speaks passionately on this site and on the Rockstars page. We’re moving towards a community of shared excellence, and I will do something in the coming months to facilitate that even further for people with professional interests in this space. (Stay tuned).

For now, thank you, and I wish you well on your projects.

Photo credit, Afroswede

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  • Congratulations for taking this stand on saying "no" and setting priorities. It's not only the way to get things done that you value, but also the only way to be happy. Other people have no limit to the number of things and responsibilities they will dump on you. Many of those things are FOR them and should be done BY them.

    Not long ago I wrote a post with the message that happiness comes from learning to say no to others and yes to yourself.

    Thanks for making this important point.
  • You guys are all so great. Thank you for your thoughts and sentiments. I'm grateful for friends like you, and excited about what I'll be able to do once I get just a little more clutter off my plate.
  • hey chris
    time seems to be a reoccurring theme online these days. as our web lives get more cluttered with 'conversation' its becoming more and more important to be really clear on ones priorities. i know in my own life i am often having to set boundaries on my cell, the web and social media. of course it 5:48am and im commenting to you so...damn, time for coffee and a book:)
    cheers
  • Excellent Post. Actually, just today my PR mentor was imparting to me the value of setting healthy boundaries. In the world of social media, which is active 24-7, boundaries are even harder to define.
  • Hey Chris,
    We all need to step back & assess where we've been, where we're at & where we're going.

    If you ever want a guest post on community building let me know & I'd be glad to help! Even on a regular basis... if that would help you spend an extra hour or two with your family.

    My daughter is in college & I now regret the priority I put on work when she was younger. But with an empty nest I now have time to help if you'd like?
  • I think it takes courage to say no, when someone mentioned that to me - I felt proud for choosing. Especially when the choices were moving me forward with my work and family goals.
  • Chris, I really like your tone here.

    I especially like the way that your posts and tweets remind me that work is not what defines me.


    By the way, could you take a look at... kidding!
  • What resource did you find on the flight from Houston?
  • Thanks for the note Chris. This is why there is a market for self help books, tools to get things done, groups to join to share, etc. because of the human nature of being curious and wanting to pursue that next cool thing. People get overwhelmed and want help!
  • It used to be women who were always accused of not saying "no" so as a woman and an internet marketer I must be doubly vulnerable. In the end I guess its all about prioritisation. I as actually forced to sit down the other day and write down some business goals - now if the item doesn't contribute to the goal its not happening!
  • Chris, nicely done. I posted about it on my blog today in an entry titled REFLECTION:

    Chris Brogan drafted a post today titled, Saying No. It could have just as easily been called Reflection. The post speaks to the difficulty many of us have in saying no and facing the realization that we only have so much bandwidth - that saying yes to everyone doesn't help anyone if we can't devote the time and energy necessary to doing a great job. But his post goes further than that, and it's a fitting follow-up to yesterday's entry on core values.

    Chris doesn't stop at saying no, but walks us through a reassessment of his priorities and values. It's not only something we should contemplate as organizations, as I suggested yesterday, but it's a powerful individual exercise that can help us achieve true balance, even harmony, in our personal and professional lives.

    Thanks for the reminder!
  • Well said, Chris - just don't be a stranger!
  • Good for you, Chris! Saying yes to everything means you just can't do any of them to the best of your ability, and I think one of life's greatest satisfaction is seeing your own project through to completion at a high level.

    Merlin Mann has a very strict rule that any "to check out" requests are sent to him via del.icio.us and that he won't respond to them sent any other way. Maybe if you tweaked your contact page a bit to filter inquiries at the start, it could help you to organize some of the flow better. If I want your input on something, the least I can do is present it to you in the way you most prefer.
  • Chris,
    I echo Joanna, saying no is sometimes the strongest yes, because it helps us to focus on the truly important rather that the seemingly urgent (Covey)

    Straight up from here when you get that one figured out.

    Good luck.
  • I hope to read a lot in the future from my favorite blogger! Thanx man!
  • Chris, I can appreciate how difficult it is to say no, especially these days when there are exciting opportunities around every corner. But, I am realizing by saying yes to everything you're giving less of yourself but to more people, and nothing gets done effectively. Prioritizing allows you to give more, which you do so freely. No doesn't necessary need mean never, but rather "not at this time".

    Good on you for going through this process. Work smarter, not harder.

    All the best.
  • I should clarify that my blog continues to be a priority and I'll keep writing on it as I can.

    It's more the 290 emails out of 400 each day that are requests to do something or look at something or promote something or work on something for free, or for pay, etc. Those have to get prioritized and dealt with.

    I'm still here. : )

    Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. You're clearly in a similar spot.

    Wait til you see what I found on the plane ride down to Houston. Found a great resource to share with you all.
  • Saying no can be a very difficult thing to do but you are certainly looking at it with a great approach. First and foremost, you need to make sure that you are taking care of the things that are important to you.

    I've been guilty of that myself since I started blogging as I try to establish myself. However, when I step back and think about the fact that one of the reasons that I am doing this is to better provide for my family it makes you realize that saying no to your family is doing them more harm.

    After just hearing you speak at SOBCon, I am new to reading your wisdom; and while it is disappointing to hear that we might not get as much of you, it is for a good reason.
  • I admire you sharing your thoughts here for I have a lot of projects on my plate now and like you, I have my priorities on those projects.

    Pleasing others is what some of us hope to achieve but we have to think in the long run, how will it benefit you? Will it take time away from your overall agenda? Will that person give you the time that you also invest in them?

    Thanks always for your honesty. This is why I follow you on Twitter because you are sincere with your audience. That means a lot to us.
  • Ps. I just bought "Ready for Anything" on audiobook as well, so maybe soon I'll be on the prioritization train soon too :)
  • I really liked "Getting Things Done" as well. I haven't put it to action yet like you have though, so props to that! It always feels good to lay out EVERYTHING you have to do and make priorities.
  • Great Post, Chris, and I know how hard this is, juggling my blog, podcast, family, teaching, Podcamp, and everything else I want to/need to do. And I'm learning it's okay to take a break an recharge the batteries too. The problem with being able to be connected 24 by 7 is also learning when NOT to be connected as well. (And differentiating the needs and wants is important.)

    My mom always used the "my cup runneth over" analogy with me- the abundance is what you can share with others- you cannot share if your own cup is empty, so you need to make sure you take care of yourself first.
  • Writing a book will force you to further collect your thoughts and solidify your goals !
  • It's tough to say no sometimes but it has to be done much more often than most people think. Sometimes saying no is the nicest thing a person can do.
  • Saying NO can be the biggest time saver there is. However, you run the risk of upsetting people. Most will get over it though. And those that don't.... were, they were not gonna last as friends/collegues for a long time anyways.

    By the way, I googled "the art of saying no". Apparently there is a Lifehack about it: http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/...

    You are big into life hancks, aren't you?

    --MT
  • Chris:

    Thank you for sharing this. I'm having the same problem, but have been stuck in the weeds for a while. Your clear categories will be a big help to all of suffering from scaling problems and Chip's Think Week is no a personal goal for me.

    I applaud your honesty and boldness in stating your commitments.

    As to guilt, you have complete control over it - whether you or not you want to let it get in the way.

    All best to you.
  • I think it is a much better idea to focus and do a great job on your key projects than spread yourself so thin that you end up doing a rush/half assed job on everything! I look forward to seeing some of the projects you have in the pipeline!
  • That list looks like it was a lot of tough calls. Re-evaluating though is a necessity sometimes. I wish you all the best of luck in your pursuits towards a happier and more efficient home and work mindset.
    I know that many of the readers can say with me that your blogs have given the common-folk hope and inspired.
    *cheers and all good things*
  • I think you're taking a very sensible course of action. We get excited when opportunities come our way, often so excited that we say yes without really thinking about the consequences. Being able to step back and consider, and say no, is definitely going to be far better for your long term reputation than delivering late on a promise, or even worse not delivering at all.

    It's tough though, and that's because it's great to be wanted. Have to say that Chip's idea of a "think week" is one of the best I've heard in a long time in terms of ensuring you keep your priorities straight.
  • What you're doing now is hard, but you will be rewarded for it. Many entrepreneurial people have a tendency to say yes to too many things (myself included). It eventually comes back to bite you if you don't periodically reassess.

    A number of years ago I started doing a Think Week every 6 months where I unplug and reassess everything I'm doing. It's important to take that 30,000 foot view from time to time, while stepping back from the day-to-day. Some people may not need (or have the luxury of) a week, but even a day can be a powerful opportunity to reset.

    In short, you're doing the right thing and while it disappoints some in the short term, it will reward all in the long term.
  • Chris, I think you could have expanded the headline to read "saying no to say a more powerful yes". You are saying yes (yes, yes) to the things that are priorities. I don't think you need to apologise, and I bet you anything there are lots of other people reading this who will learn a lot from what you're doing.

    Best wishes

    Joanna
  • Now I see why it was difficult to write... because it's difficult to do!

    But good on you, Chris... both for sharing your thought-process and for showing the way in which stepping back can simultaneously be a move which honors others' voices.

    Thank you for continuing to live into your gifts, and for doing so in such a helpfully public way.
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