August 26, 2011 191 Comments

Take Back Your Strings

Dance with the Devil

Twice in the same week, someone wrote the word “disappointed” with regards to their feelings about me.

For the past 30 or so years, those words (and many others) have pushed me into terrible depression. In reasonably sane people, you’d probably allow only a few people’s disappointment to let you feel this way. Maybe your mom’s utterance of that phrase (and many others) would send you into that depression. Maybe your spouse.

With me, however, I would let anyone use the words and their impact would take me down. Whoever wanted to pick up my puppet strings and alter my feelings, I’d surrender that power unto them. Not consciously, mind you, but I was always trying my best to please whoever it was who came in contact with me. All the time, I was seeking to avoid that worry of disappointing people.

We Give Others Our Strings

Now that I’ve been working so hard on figuring myself out, I’ve realized that I was running around, giving other people the strings so that they could pull me in plenty of directions. None of those people were bad. Heck, several didn’t even realize that I’d tied my strings to them. Other times, I most certainly tangled my strings around someone, thinking that maybe I’d avoid disappointing someone if I could just be whatever it was I thought they might need.

But that’s all me. I gave away my strings. I tried tying them to anyone walking by. All me.

Take Back Your Strings

The only way to bring yourself to a better functionality is to take back your strings. This requires a lot of work, for some, and just a little bit of work, for others. It also requires acknowledging that we’ve given our strings to other people.

We give our bosses our strings when we worry that our actions will cost us our jobs. If we had our own strings, we’d just do the job the way we wanted to do it, and we’d hope to accomplish the goals our jobs held for us. We’d be open to learning, but we’d move our own puppets around instead of letting other people’s moods and thoughts direct us.

We give our loved ones our strings all the time. “I’d be a better writer, if only he supported me.” “I’m trying to get more healthy, but he keeps bringing home Kentucky Fried Chicken.” Really? These other people have all this power over us? We’ve given them the ability to decide our actions and outcomes? Wow!

So, take back your strings. Agree that you’ll move your little puppet self around through life. If you’re religious, and you don’t trust yourself with your own strings, give them to God (however you see that), but don’t give those strings to humans (even those who work for God). If you’re Buddhist, you work your own strings. I can’t speak for most of the other religions.

Disappointed

The two people who were disappointed in me had their reasons to be disappointed. In both cases, I’d chosen to do something that was counter to what they wanted me to do. Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of disappointing. I don’t mean to hurt anyone; instead, I’m working on taking my strings back, and doing the things that I think will grow me, and grow my capabilities to help others.

To really accept that the term “disappointed” is pretty much synonymous with “you’re not doing what I want you to do” gave me a whole new sense of joy. Because those disappointments aren’t mine. They relate to someone putting their expectations on me. I don’t own that. Those aren’t my strings.

And now that I have my strings back (at least most of them), I’m working hard on writing my own damned puppet show. How about you? Who has your strings? Are you ready to get them back?

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  • http://twitter.com/charityestrella Estrella Rosenberg

    “To really accept that the term “disappointed” is pretty much synonymous with “you’re not doing what I want you to do” gave me a whole new sense of joy. Because those disappointments aren’t mine. They relate to someone putting their expectations on me.”
    My friend, that statement is extraordinarily dismissive of the disappointments that come from someone not doing what they said they were going to, which is very different from someone not doing what someone else wants them to do. 

    There are plenty of times when it’s appropriate to be disappointed with someone, and there are plenty of times when it’s appropriate to be disappointed with yourself.

    Yes, much of what we mean when we say we’re disappointed with others is a reflection of our own misdirected expectations, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to just toss it into the “that’s your problem, not mine” pile. Truly taking back your own strings requires an honest look at yourself and your actions – it means taking responsibility for the ways in which we have disappointed someone via expectations we agreed to, so that we learn which expectations are reasonable to agree to in the future.

    My fear of disappointing people almost always leads to me actually disappointing someone else (and unfortunately usually not the person/people I’m afraid of disappointing).

    • Dainis

      hmmm, estrella. lots of people hold themselves to high standards. i am one of them. for me, i hold to my commitments with steely determination and have a nearly impeccable track record for keeping to my word.

      it’s just that predatory personalities know how to exploit honesty. a predatory personality will hold you accountable to your “word,” while extorting energy, money, time, property, convenience, etc. the predator will not hold him or herself accountable. the predator will withhold appreciation, payment, their tasks, etc., and it will be “your fault” because “you didn’t X” it is a very simple, cunning, and effective trick that forces compliance and submission with no possibility for synergy.

      that’s why, recently, i went from “an impeccable track record for keeping to my word even to my own detriment and even when i was coerced” to more like 99.8% track record, where .2% of the time, i will enter renegotiation, eh, maybe even less than that.

      in business, i now have a “rate sheet,” a “fair use” policy, and something i call “client status” that goes: synergy, good standing, repair attempt, probation, exit. so, yes, now, if your account goes into “exit” status, we will only be working with each other for 2 more months max.

      in personal and business relationships, i now spend a lot less time with abusive people.

      i’d like to examine: “My friend, that statement is extraordinarily dismissive of the disappointments that come from someone not doing what they said they were going to, which is very different from someone not doing what someone else wants them to do.”

      “friend”
      — i think we could all benefit from revisiting “friendship” as a social and personal concept.

      “extraordinarily dismissive” preceded by “is”
      — is the statement extraordinarily dismissive? are you couching your opinion as such, or are you casting your opinion out as truth?

      i certainly don’t find chris’ statement dismissive at all, though i respect you may hold that opinion. i could totally be wrong, but it seems to me that the opinion you present does not allow for the complete presence of others.

      Regarding: There are plenty of times when it’s appropriate to be disappointed with someone, and there are plenty of times when it’s appropriate to be disappointed with yourself.
      –really? do you find that pleasing?

      i’ve had employers, managers, and supervisors who cared about my well being. if i was overworked, they’d go out with me on a long lunch or even just say a few kind words. if a deadline looked unreachable — we changed the deadline or pulled in resources to make things work. you see, when you are working synergistically, the changes and renegotiations happen so organically, that neither the project nor it’s team members really ever enter the realm of “disappointments” or blame or lawsuits, etc.

      i’ve also had business and personal relationships with people who i now look at as predators.

      the rules are different when they are willing to cause pain in others (and you) for their personal benefit. if they can use the emotional “energy” of disappointment to coerce, control, or demean, then that’s what they will use.

      a healthy look at disappointments is certainly possible, and i agree that the “that’s your problem not mine” pile can often be a less than adequate solution.

      i like “Truly taking back your own strings requires an honest look at yourself and your actions – it means taking responsibility for the ways in which we have disappointed someone via expectations we agreed to, so that we learn which expectations are reasonable to agree to in the future.”
      …but there’s this little catch, where we assume that the person we may have disappointed is rational and emotionally stable in their relationship with us.

      if the person is projecting other issues onto us, or just relating to us in a dysfunctional or irrational way, then they may not be relating to us “as we are,” which can wind up creating a toxic and unpleasant spiral. a lot like what you mention: you work hard to “not” disappoint someone, and thereby wind up disappointing someone else. the whole “constellation,” if you will, winds up a vortex of work, of time, of disappointment, of unkind words, of missed deadlines, of stress and all-night work sessions, of misery and unhappiness.

      and i believe chris is the kind of soul who has done tremendous work in “clearing up” such toxic spirals.

      and when you do a tremendous amount of work to help, when clearing up these kinds of toxic spirals is your daily fare — and someone is STILL disappointed in you. it hurts.

      so, you take back your strings.

  • anonymous

    ASIANS CAN ACTUALLY READ MINDS!!!!!!!!!
    they can hear, and see what your visually thinking
    this is the absolute dead truth

    the reason alot of asians have completely expressionless faces, only associate with asians and dont associate with non asians very much is to avoid accidentally revealing that they can read read minds, if all over a billion asians were to show facial expressions all the time just as much as non asians, associate with non asians much more, and be much more friendly and talkative, then alot of them might accidentally reveal that they can read minds by accidentally showing a facial expression or dirty look when someone thinks, or visually pictures something in their mind they dont like or find astonishing or funny, and if they were all to associate with non asians alot more there would be alot more people around for them to accidentally show facial expressions when those other people think things they dont like, so they only associate with asians so there wont be anyone around for them to see that and have any accidents happen in the first place

    think about it, its not normal how alot of them act, and the entire way they act is all to hide their mind reading abilities, it makes perfect sense to do all of that to hide that they can read minds, because all of that is the perfect way to do it!
    every single asian on the planet is hiding their mind reading abilities, they will deny having mind reading abilities to the death!
    because they value hiding their mind reading abilities more then their own lives!
    thats why nobody knows about it!

    try thinking, best yet visually picturing in your mind something something absolutely crazy as you possibly can when you are around asians, and try looking for asians who give people particular looks, especially dirty looks for what appears to be for completely no reason, that is them giving people looks when they hear and visually see someone thinking something they dont like, find funny or astonishing
    it still happens despite a large number of them having completely expressionless faces all the time, it would just happen alot more if none of them had completely expressionless faces all the time, its not uncommon!

    i know this sounds crazy, impossible, and completely unbelievable, BUT IT ISNT CRAZY WHEN ITS TRUE

    the reason you think this truly is crazy, impossible and inbelieveable is because our society has propagandized people into believing that nothing extra ordinary is real and that is really is impossible and that its crazy to think that people being able to read minds true as a cover up that asians can read minds! who says that cant exist? the people who have mind reading abilities who are trying to cover it up!

    you have to spread the message!!!
    the world has to know about this!!!!

    • Dainis

      oh geeze, i clicked like! that was an accident. the comment is obviously spam, which is a great topic for discussion — anyway — i wonder if the spam article also includes caucasians. LOL.

  • Len Denton

    Chris, this post really disappointed me, man! 

    Just kidding!  

    Actually, you are dead on.

    I am older than you, and many in my generation grew up with shame being used by elders as an effective control lever.  It took me a very long time to re-wire myself to overcome the fear of shame.  It is somewhat like giving one’s strings to someone else.  However, shame is like having one’s strings forcibly taken by an authority figure.  In either case, it sucks.  I say good for you for bringing this up.  

    This reminds me of a quote from Aristotle:  To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

    Keep doing good stuff.

    Len  

  • http://JohnRobberson.com John

    Great Post Chris,

    I learned a long time ago not to worry about what “you think, other people think about you.”  First it’s too tiring and stressful.  Secondly, how do we really ever know what other people think?”  Thirdly, the only way other peoples have an effect or control over us is if we allow it.

    I’m glad your taking your strings back and not letting others thoughts, actions, or perceived thoughts control you.

    Life is too short not to enjoy it on your own terms.  :-)

  • http://twitter.com/AmeenaFalchetto Ameena Falchetto

    Learning to live without expectations is refreshing. It’s hard but it can be done. Disappointment is only possessed by the person who owns it. 
    Here’s to cutting strings and dancing to French music whilst writing in English :) 

  • http://www.brandstrategy.co.za Michael Said

    Most of us have too many people in our lives to allow anyone to pull our strings, we simply cannot be pulled in all directions. Charity starts at home and this applies to looking after yourself first, if you are okay then you are better equipped to help others to be okay. Seriously not disappointed with this post Chris :-)

  • Anonymous

    I think you’re right, it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently.  Do we give our ‘strings’ to others so we have someone to blame when it goes wrong?  I’ve always been very independent and as a result of this I tend to blame myself for my own mistakes. I try not to rely on anyone and if I have to it drives me nuts. However, every now and then I think it would be great to give all my strings to someone, give them control of me for a while and give me a break. Deep down I know my personality would not allow this.

    To a certain extent I give strings to my clients, pleasing them makes me happy but if I’m pleasing them and not myself I won’t get the results they and I want.  It can be hard to believe that you know what you’re doing and fire ahead, however it is important to believe it or you’ll let your clients down in the end.

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  • annecore

    Chris–

    I am whatever the opposite of disappointed in you is. Almost every day you give me something new to think about, and because I’m not a tech person, half of it is not necessarily relevant, but you somehow make it compelling. I am undisappointed in you.  

    • http://twitter.com/mousewords Christine Taylor

      “I am UNdisappointed in you” – what a fabulous phrase! And what a powerful way to show support for someone who might seem at the mercy of others’ strings. I’m going to file that in my brain for future use. :) Thank you!

  • http://twitter.com/mousewords Christine Taylor

    Chris, I’m UNdisappointed in you, too!

    I totally relate to having my feelings string-tied to others’ opinions. I can get a hundred positive comments, and one critical comment–and guess which one stands out in my mind & heart? It doesn’t even make sense, but there it is.

    In a way, it can be a useful weakness, because it makes me push myself to be better. But I’m learning to rely on God’s opinion and my own priorities & standards to define exactly what “better” means. It took me a couple breakdowns to get to this point, but you’re right–”joy” totally describes it!

  • http://twitter.com/mousewords Christine Taylor

    Chris, I’m UNdisappointed in you, too!

    I totally relate to having my feelings string-tied to others’ opinions. I can get a hundred positive comments, and one critical comment–and guess which one stands out in my mind & heart? It doesn’t even make sense, but there it is.

    In a way, it can be a useful weakness, because it makes me push myself to be better. But I’m learning to rely on God’s opinion and my own priorities & standards to define exactly what “better” means. It took me a couple breakdowns to get to this point, but you’re right–”joy” totally describes it!

  • Jacqueline

    As Eckhart Tolle said if you make a decision and another person doesn’t support it, you have three choices: you can change your mind and do what they want you to do, you can argue with them about your decision, or you can walk away and do what you want. He was referring to relationships in general, but it applies to specific instances as well.

    Using your analogy, you can continue to let the other people pull your strings, try to pull back on those strings, or you can cut the strings and move on your own–like Pinocchio wanting to be a ‘real’ boy.

    I’m all for the ‘real’ boy idea and, yes, you’ll ‘disappoint’ some people. I say Yeah! disappoint away! Anyone who doesn’t support you should be someone you don’t share you go-up goals with! Leave them out of the loop. That’s just the way the world should work, otherwise no one would be authentic (and we’d need a lot more therapists too!).

    Good luck and have a blast being you!

  • http://faleafine.com NEENZ

    Chris: Disappointment stems from expectations and expectations are toxic. The toxicity of expectations manifests in a “controlling” person’s mind, body, and spirit. Take a hot shower, wash it off, and continue on your journey. You’ve touched my life in so many different ways, even when we disagree on issues. But never have I been disappointed :)

  • http://twitter.com/iconic88 iconic88

    Great post Chris!

    You said it best,”To really accept that the term “disappointed” is pretty much synonymous with “you’re not doing what I want you to do” gave me a whole new sense of joy. Because those disappointments aren’t mine. They relate to someone putting their expectations on me. I don’t own that. Those aren’t my strings.”

    Keep up the great work mate!
    Mahei

  • Anonymous

    Nice post. Just what I needed to hear today!

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  • http://www.webcontentxpress.net Wade Balsfon

    Great post and I agree we often give other people too much power. It is time to say no more. 

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    That’s all because it ain’t about the jump; it’s about the jumper. Keeping in mind that each jumper creates his or her own reality.

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