The Mirror Game

April 30, 2009 · Comments

The Mirror Game Listening to people’s opinions is a tricky thing. One reason we fall into low self-esteem is by paying more attention to what others say about us versus being guided from within. ( Want to learn more about that? Read Self-Esteem, by McKay.) In doing what I do, it’s difficult avoiding the mirror game.

I practice what I preach with regards to my advice that we grow bigger ears. I listen to people’s conversations about me, and then I decide whether it’s appropriate to engage. If you think for a minute that all these conversations are positive, glowing affirmations of my writing and ideas, think again.

Some folks have different opinions than mine. That’s always great. I learn by those kinds of posts, comments, and conversations. I’m always happy for discourse, if it helps me move ahead.

But often times, I come across comments by people who just don’t like me. It’s okay for folks not to like me, obviously. People can think what they will about me. Where I don’t do myself any favors is when I read their commentary or posts and then take to heart what they’re saying.

We have to remind ourselves constantly that not all who criticize are doing so for our betterment. I think that it’s important to learn from others, but with an eye towards not supplanting our own self-opinion with the random opinions of others. It’s a balance. Learn from the words of others, but keep your own thoughts and plans and self-image firmly in front of you.

Trusting the whims of the crowd to be our “mirror,” where we regard ourselves, is a dangerous practice.

If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment or subscribing to the feed to have future articles delivered to your feed reader.

Tagged as: , , ,

ChrisBrogan.com runs on the Thesis Theme for WordPress

Thesis WordPress theme

Thesis is the search engine optimized WordPress theme of choice for serious online publishers. If you’re a blogger who doesn’t understand a lot of PHP, Thesis will give a ton of functionality without having to alter any code. For the advanced, Thesis has incredible customization possibilities via Thesis hooks.

With so many design options, you can use the template over and over and never have it look like the same site. The theme is robust and flexible enough not only to accommodate a site like ChrisBrogan.com, but also to enable the site to run far more efficiently than it ever has before.

  • KT McNamara
    As one of the "whiz kids" of the social media boom, its easy to forget that sometimes that makes you a bigger target.

    There are so many of us who appreciate, respect and benefit from your work - and your generosity with that work.

    Keep focused on your own view of your reflection, but if the mirror fogs, just glance our way!
  • Great post, Chris. Regardless of your line of work there will always be people that dislike you, or your opinions. It's always best to follow the path you feel is right.

    I particularly like your advice regarding "big ears". As an executive at a software company this is something I try to constantly focus on. While I have a clear vision of where we are going (the goals) and strong opinions regarding the tactics to employ I leave my ears, and eyes open. Those that I work with often have better ideas than I do about how to get the job done.

    Thanks,

    John
    http://twitter.com/JohnFMoore
  • Mary Deming Barber
    Chris,

    Thanks for the words today. They fit within my day's work in so many ways. I often tell my kids that they need to remember words can hurt people, and I truly hope no one did that to you today. However, you are out there so often there are bound to be those who disagree with you, and that's what makes our country great. As you said, though, we shouldn't take it personally...which is often easier said than done. Thank you for being one of those who make us all think.
  • I've struggled with vanity, which I suppose is the opposite of self-esteem, so I know it's a dangerous thing to think too highly of other's oppinions about one's self. We can loose ourselves in trying to gain the approval of those around us.
  • Yes, there is a big difference between having an internal versus external "locus of evaluation". If we're generally stable in our self-esteem, then we can best determine if feedback is coming from a loving place, or otherwise. Accurate and authoritative self-assessment is the only healthy foundation for utilizing critical feedback. I did a fun blog on this titled "Innies" and "Outties" that is available by request. Thanks!
  • Oh, and I think of vanity as a whole other thing to contend with. In this case, it's all about the "I hope they like me" problem. That's never a good thought to frame one's actions around, is, I guess, the point of the post.
  • It's a core issue, eh? How to lead and avoid all temptations, including doubt.
    Maybe if you are always true to yourself, with compassion, you find the balance.
    This teaching grounds compassion in self, and then radiates out to all others.
    A relaxing into who you are so deep that no criticism pertains.
    An awareness that allows you and not-you simultaneously.
  • This is a really timely post for me, thanks.
  • Rob Ley
    Chris,

    Now I'm even happier I picked up "Self-Esteem" today on your advice. Funny, I'm on the other end of the spectrum, being a boomer marketing consultant rushing quickly to acquire social media value and skills to add to my practice. My point is, having to unlearn everything one knows will mess with a guy's self-esteem too. You were the first guru I was referred to, and subscribed to. I'm glad. Nice job laying it out there.
  • You know Chris, at one point (I'd say maybe in the last 1.5 years or so), I had a problem. My problem was that I had a pretty harsh critic or two (and that's fine right). On the one hand I took it as a compliment (after all they were talking about me); I was getting noticed. But I had the problem of letting what they had to say throw me off my groove. I took that criticism to heart...I really did.

    At first I didn't pick up on it right away and so I let it affect me. Till one day a great friend of mine through a series of talks pointed it all out to me (my mood, my lack of focus, etc). We talked about how I was letting this things affect me.

    I started to regain focus. I stopped listening to the negative stuff. I acknowledged the constructive criticisms; those are always welcome. And once I did, man was I making moves and pushing forward with a stack of confidence that couldn't deter me.

    We'll always have critics. That's how it goes. We can't please everyone all the time. And that's ok. If you listen to the constructive criticisms, and weed out all the negative stuff, it's so much easier to move forward. There's no sense in taking in (taking to heart) the negative things that detractors have to say.

    Just thought I'd share my thought/experience...
  • Right on target for me - thanks! I can only imagine the amount of love/hate posts you see about yourself. I get both in my niche field, and I'm followed a lot less that you. Just last week I jumped into a conversation about me - asking them "so why are you saying that" and attempting to explain why I said something. Didn't work, shouldn't have even tried. Lesson learned for me!

    I try to remember what I saw somewhere - they read your post and it drove them to action ... so you at least moved them to write. That's something, anyway... :-)
  • This is a great post; another great book to read on this topic is "Trusting Yourself" By M.J. Ryan. I am almost done this book and it is excellent.

    When anyone says anything about what I am doing or who they think me to be, I always ask myself if that person has any characteristics of who I aspire to be, or if that person is in a position or place in their life that I want to be in, if not then I try although not always succeeding to take it with a grain of salt.

    I think that it is extremely important that we trust ourselves, as I know I am my own worst enemy. I even see how much we question ourselves in my daughter when she has an idea for a play or her science project and wants to ignore her idea since it was not written as a previous thought-out option, or was not popular - I always tell her to trust herself.

    This was a great post about self image and self trust.
  • Chris,

    I am reading Self-Esteem on an earlier recommendation you made. It's a great book. I like that they haven't tried to systematize everything - just lots of interesting and thoughtful info and exercises. It had never occurred to that our critic had a dual role.

    Thanks for recommending it.

    Tom @tomwgibson
  • "We have to remind ourselves constantly that not all who criticize are doing so for our betterment." Bingo. Thanks for the reminder Chris.
  • I think also, what people have to say about you, good, bad, indifferent, is a reflection of where they're at, and not, generally, you. You've got to know, for yourself, who you are and what your core strengths are. Definitely good to have trusted friends reflect back how they see you, but you've got to know for yourself, or else all the external validation in the world isn't going to really sink in.
  • Sharon Hearty
    Very pertinent post Chris, as I am about to dip my toe in the blogging waters and have just started with Twitter and about to put myself out there as a soletrader. I am scared stiff of what others i.e my peer group, potential customers/clients will think of what I have to say and who I am to be saying these things I hope to write and talk about. I think there are always going to be detractors out there, I just hope that I don't take things to heart too much. Although it is so easy to do, I guess it is listening, not letting things get to you, be confident in yourself, keep focussed and one thing I have learned in working for big companies - let the red mist settle on something directed at you that might just touch a soft spot - and then choose to respond in a balanced way or decide to ignore.
    Your blogs are inspiring and get me thinking be it that I agree with what you say or not they are thought provoking and I learn from them and that can only be good. I look forward to more and more. Thank you.
  • Chris, thanks for the post. The key is to ignore the criticism that is not substantiated. Listen to the criticism that is constuctive, and this helps to improve and better oneself.

    I agree with sticking to one's thoughts. Do not be a pushover and let people tell you otherwise. Take feedback and use the feedback as a learning experience.
  • I really like the grow big ears concept! Most of us underestimate the power of listening. But it's hard listening to criticism whoever you are. But I do find it helpful to listen to the less than fabby comments, although I reserve the right not to have personal comments made about me!
    Jane
  • It is tough to maintain a balance between reasonable criticism and criticism driven by emotion. (BTW, my "everything you ate" tweet was just a joke, hope you're OK). One must not be closed to all criticism but one must be strong enough and have faith in oneself to realize that not all criticism is worth listening to. One quote I like to recall when the critics seem plentiful is this: "Those who can do, those who don't teach and those who can't criticize." I like this version a lot better anyway since most of the teachers I have had over the years not only can do, they can do so very well.
    Thanks for your help and encouragement.
  • Jealousy and envy breed hate and it took me a very long time in my life to stop caring what other people thought of me and just listen to ME! We are on this earth to please no one else but ourselves. But at times it is still difficult to digest the mean and hurtful things people say. Some people are miserable and just want everyone else to be miserable with them. I avoid those toxic folks!

    Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. ~Jennifer James

    Great post Chris!!
  • Chris,

    I think it sometimes comes down to how much of one's life is being read about on a screen, also. My guess is that your RL colleagues are more respectful and treat you as more of a whole person than some folks may in print, where people can get busy taking apart just one aspect of Being Chris Brogan.

    I've seen it at my own blog. On a screen it's easier to be harsh, in other words, because folks don't have to face you, but also on a screen it's easier to be read as being harsh—because without body language and eye contact, some commentary that's perhaps meant to be constructive can be read as just another takedown. So perhaps the pile of negativity isn't quite as high as it seems. (I certainly hope not!)

    Hugs the kids and take a long walk. The real mirror reflects a great guy.

    Regards,

    Kelly
  • Hi Chris, very thoughtful post. I think as you attract more people and gather a larger following, it is directly proportional to an increase in the opinions that aren't so favorable. I read a great book years ago by Don Miguel Ruiz. It's called The Four Agreements (a NY Times bestseller). One of the agreements discusses how when people talk, give their opinions, it's really not about you, it's about them! Where does this fit into the mix of conversations in the blogosphere? I'm hoping the dialog we engage in, is to help each other and this principle is present only part of the time (and, we can figure out who are the people cleary just in it for themselves). Great post!! Thanks for sharing :)
  • The important differentiating factor here is to understand constructive criticism that you can learn and grow from, versus detractors who will spite you for any success that you have. The latter are those that do not define who you are, grow you into a better person, or help you in your career path. Take it as firepower to push you but remember that their views will never change, no matter how successful you become.
  • "Growing Bigger Ears" has become an internal reminder for me of sorts. It also reinforces the fact that I do listen to people and sometimes I listen too much. When we take what people say and their opinions hurt us, perhaps we listen too deeply. It amazes me that words and opinions can have such a profound effect on our lives and the direction we follow after we listen, reflect upon other's words.

    I read somewhere, "The Person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the Person doing it." I believe this to be true on many levels, including those that offer negative opinions or hurtful words. I also believe that being able to take constructive criticism is also a skill that we need to harness as we mature.

    Keep up the great work Chris, you have many more supporters than haters.
  • Temple Ireland-Rosenberger
    Fantastic post, Chris. By putting yourself out there, I imagine you do become a greater target to critique. I also think people have a tendency to share the negative over the positives many times. Not always, but more so than one might think. “Learn from the words of others, but keep your own thoughts and plans and self-image firmly in front of you.” Strong words to live by.

    Temple
    http://twitter.com/templer08
  • I heard a saying once in the mid 90's on a Louise L. Hay audio referring to a Terry Cole-Whittaker book. I replay it in my head still today....a lot.... (for obvious reason! lol) ~ "What you think about me is none of my business..."

    Oddly today, I remember exactly where I was [driving North on the Tollway] when I heard it the 1st time, and said "ah hah" to myself - It was just one line, w/ this follow up "It's true. What you think about me is none of my business - it's your business."

    It's been a great one liner to pull when I find myself worrying about anything else but being the best I can be...which really is the ONLY thing I can control.

    You obviously have that down to a science. Thx for a another great post.

    @zaneology
  • Your post reminds me of the great Polish/American humourist (yep I'm Canadian, eh!) and writer when talking about change, perception and acceptance.

    You can understand people better if you look at the "no matter how old or impressive they may be" as if they are children. For most of us we never mature. We simply grow taller.

    It is therefore important to look inwardly and accept who you are. Don't compare, you are valuable as yourself!
  • PERFECTLY said - love this! It really is a reminder to us that we cannot control what others think of us and not to change who we are to try and fit what they think! I've known people who wore so many "faces" each one to please another "audience". Your advice applies to everyone for all times - thank you!
  • Oh...I forgot to add the quote is by Leo Rosten...oops.
  • Awesome post, Chris. We enjoy reading what you have to say everyday, and can usually take something from it, be it personal insight, or business advice.

    We all struggle with the Mirror Game, but as you said, the power is in learning from it and not taking it to heart! Easier said than done, I know. It is always reaffirming to know that gurus such as yourself contemplate on these types of topics.

    Have an outstanding day!
  • Can't say enough about all the self-help, marketing and social guide tips I receive from you so I won't. Trying to improve my career seems to almost always return to improving me.

    I feel like I'm doing this when I read and implement your content. Can't wait to read somehting you write that I don't like just so I know I'm still living free. smile.

    Thanks.
  • Yes, the more you put yourself out there, the bigger a target you are. I've had a couple of really harsh critics in the past. One in particular was one of those that just didn't like me - which is strange, cause, what's not to love? :) Anyway, it is easy to say that they shouldn't affect you, but, it is hard to do. Sometimes, the harder you try to ignore them, the harder they try to get your attention. People are funny, huh?
  • Kudos, Chris, for addressing this.
  • gerardmclean
    I often find myself musing about what small (or large) event happens in a blogger's life that prompts a particular post. I wonder what triggered this one.

    I would never tell another living soul what triggered each of mine (each has a trigger and it may not even be what the post is about), but it sure would make an interesting "blogger brain map."
  • Chris,

    I can relate from the perspective of also having an "inner critic".

    For example, while attending your "Inbound Marketing Summit" in San Francisco recently, I began to feel "less than" the folks who I perceived to be the big names in social media. Inner conversations began to occur which were not to my benefit.

    My response?

    I took a time out and went for a walk in beautiful downtown San Francisco to my near-by office.

    The outcome?

    In the next several hours I was able to help someone younger and older than me about social media stuff, and quite frankly it felt good to feel good again about myself.

    The next day at your summit I was approached by someone notable in our field and It was so cool to hear his appreciation for my enthusiastic and community building role in our space. It felt good to be seen.

    The lesson learned like yours, beware of your inner critic too.
  • martyglover
    This an interestingly introspective post. As a great fan, I wonder how much it matters what your view of the person offering the criticism might be. I tend to deal with both approval and disapproval from most sources with relative ease, or to put it another way, most peoples opinion is naturally filtered and creates a muted reaction, positive or negative. Not to say I don't listen, it just doesn't touch the self esteem level.

    So I was curious if it was repeated criticism from being a bigger target or the source of some of it that prompted the thought process.
  • In ways, the source matters, but in other ways, not at all. I dislike harsh words from friends and foes alike.
  • Insightful as always. I find this to be a constant and never ending challenge, to not let the crowd be the mirror. Some days are better than others. It makes life interesting.
    Thanks,
    Joe
  • I've always found it helpful to think of feedback in terms of *two* mirrors, one internal (how we see ourselves) and one external (what the world reflects back to us). Danger lies, as you so eloquently point out, in paying more attention to one than the other--particularly because each mirror has its flaws.

    The internal mirror, like a magnifying mirror, shows us ourselves in great detail--but the image quickly distorts. Too close, and you see yourself as a sideshow freak; too far away, and you lose a sense of yourself entirely. It's easy to get fixated on what we like or don't like. The external mirror forgoes details for a broader picture, so it's easy to miss subtleties like the motivations for the feedback coming to you.

    The trick is to keep our perspectives in balance, and to use each mirror to check what we see in the other.

    Tamsen (@tamadear)
  • This whole issue of self esteem / commitment seems to come up in my face so often these days. I've had a reasonably successful career. Relaxed lifestyle, great clients, work at home for most of my career. I hold my own pretty well. But there's another level at which we can have a far greater effect on the world (if that's what we wish)....and it requires a certain abandon.... an over-the-top commitment to your vision that I have yet to let loose. You have put this in my face for another look, Chris. I have to say I'm amazed at the energy you have to put behind all of this. Boggles my mind. Please keep putting it out there fearlessly (or.... almost fearlessly, anyway)
  • Jenifer Olson
    Good thoughts, Chris.

    I find it ironic the most sensitive souls among us are often the most expressive,
    thus inadvertently 'inviting' the very criticism and negative input from which they (we) recoil.
    Sensitive individuals probably don't receive more any more criticism than anyone else, but
    do have soft hearts where barbs and nasty comments can wound ever so deeply.

    All I can really say about self-esteem is that some days are better than others. They just are. And for days when my self-esteem seems to be waning, I try to think of those better moments in my life.

    I love the story about the teacher who asked class members to write down positive statements about each other - for each other - as a prelude to graduation. Many students carried those slips of papers with them throughout their lives to always remind themselves of their value and worth.

    If I were you, I would consider this column and these comments your slips of paper. :-)

    Thanks for being you - @jenajean
  • Absolutely. I've always thought (and tried to teach to others) that more often than not, openly negative criticism says more about the criticiser than the criticisee. Their insecurities, their jealousies, and their own lack of self-respect makes them more apt to loudly and blatantly point out the fault or inadequacies in others - all while trying desperately to divert attention away from their own shortcomings.

    Being able to rise above it and stick to your guns allows you not only to be a better person but a happier person as well.

    More eloquently put, "Haterz, man." ROFL ;)
  • pamslim
    This is a great topic, and a challenging issue. I used to be deeply affected by criticism and spend three days treating my wounds if someone dug into me.

    Then I read "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz and it really helped. The part that really jumped out was that people's behavior (or words) really have nothing to do with you. It has to do with them, and their perception of the world. There is more to the book than I can summarize in a comment, but it really helped me.

    It is a good train or bathtub read. :)

    Knowing and trusting yourself is truly the only way. Otherwise your writing shrinks up as you try to dodge bullets and your muse runs away with the spoon.

    Write on!
  • The worst thing a person can do is to take another persons criticism to heart. the main reason for this is that not every comment one person makes about another is for their benefit. Sometimes it could be made out of jealousy, cruelty, self gratification or whatever. What is important it a persons own self worth.
  • What you have written is not new, but it certainly acts as a reminder. It brings one back to social realities. Thanks for this post
  • conviojames
    Good post, Chris. I worry about this with my kids all of the time. My son is a pleaser, and he takes to heart whatever anyone says. I have tried to build him up and make him see that his ideas and his opinions are important to, and they need to be the standard to beat before changing. Any advice on how to do this more effectively?
  • I believe it’s definitely easier to let things roll off your back when you know someone is just being a critic for the sake of being critical. It’s more difficult to overlook critical opinions when they are directed at areas where you are not so confident or secure. We definitely live and operate businesses in a world where we it’s very easy for people publicly criticize. Thus it’s clearly important to be able to discern between criticisms that you can use to better yourself versus malicious criticism.
  • Oh, this is very profound. I have to comment on this but I'm not sure I can be nearly as profound at bedtime. Suffice it to say that I appreciate that you shared this. (And you're picture is kinda spooky here, but I think you did that on purpose.)
  • It is a really funny game!
blog comments powered by Disqus

Previous post:

Next post: