You Are So Stupid

I’ve been working on this for years, and it’s a constant work in progress. Thanks for the post.

Ok.. so like I have a serious problem with this.. like seriously. I’m currently in cognitive behavioral therapy for it.. on anti anxiety / depression medication.. and I’ve been prescribed meditation.. my self esteem issues are giant huge.. though not quite as bad as my anxiety issues. I mean it’s absolutely crippling.

It’s bad enough that the places where I do have confidence.. it can be a struggle to fully embrace that.. like being afraid that it’s ego.. or that its a compensation for.. well the anxiety and poor self esteem issues…

What I’m basically trying to do to combat this is.. well I guess 3 things.

The first is.. well this constructs a kind of reality.. a concept of reality.. and so I sorta critically evaluate that reality.. and I have pretty deep philosophical tools to do that with anyway.. but sometimes it’s as simple as seeing logic errors.. or sometimes its more complex.. and sometimes you just say “well.. this is an illusion that I take as real right now.. and I’ll let it pass like a storm.”

The second part of that is is the second thing.. it’s.. kind of a zen thing of living in the now.. never mind the noise of the head. All that really exists is this computer screen in front of me.. my fingers on the keyboard.. the coffee I’m sipping from.. that’s reality.. the idea in my head is an organization of reality that imbues it with certain meanings.. but by going to the now I can get out of that reality.. to some extent..

Another thing I do… is I leave the issue that is constructing the problem.. which can be a little like trying to escape from reality.. but the point is to go to some place that’s a source of strength. Sometimes this can be.. hanging out with good friends… people who love you.. and that will counter whatever esteem issues are.. I mean I’ve done a good job with social media in creating a network of people who care about me..

Another one is.. part of what has damaged me is that growing up I was always measured by other people’s yard sticks.. not really something that was appropriate to me.. so.. one of the things I’ll try to do is think about how I’m framing the way I’m looking at my self.

So.. for instance one strength of mine is probably marketing.. but like.. I’m probably in no position to be taken seriously as a thought leader in the world of marketing.. but.. I can then jump off of that and.. I’m also a sound engineer.. among sound engineers.. I’m sorta.. well I can stand up among many a pro engineer and I’m.. not too far from where they are.. but.. I also am an electronic music producer.. and among them.. my engineering skills are probably top of the line.. and my synthesis and compositional skills are probably pretty high.. and I’m also a designer, animator, video artist, philosopher.. umm.. the list goes on and on and on..

So if I look at the whole its like “holy crap, look at that!” And then you make a value proposition.. like in the world of marketing there are people who are more on the analytic side.. and then some that are more on the art / design side.. but none of them have the mix of stuff I have so.. so there’s a kind of holistic perspective that’s uniquely strong.. and wait a minute.. maybe I could be a kind of thought leader in that space..

Or if you look at the world of music artist’s.. to be successful today you need to understand business and marketing.. and probably social media.. and not only that but if I was to do it all DIY I’m kinda in the pro leagues as far as each of the puzzle pieces of that game…

And so wow.. now I’ve found strength.. confidence.. maybe now I can go back to the issue I was struggling with and take care of the problem.

A final strategy is.. well Jungian. It basically means disengaging from fear and desire. Never mind the issues of the ego.. or of self esteem.. I mean that all comes down to fear and desire, doesn’t it? Lets see if we can’t let go of all those things and find the center point of the self.. of who we are.. and operate from there..

So for instance.. I’ve been doing a lot of music production lately.. but running into all sorts of problems.. I’ve also been doing a lot of logo design / visual identity.. but running into all sorts of problems.. same is true for video production..

The trouble is that good enough for me is too high a bar.. I want to be sooo good.. but.. do I need to be that good? Maybe for this or that picture in my head.. but not from the standpoint of the self.. and really.. what difference does it make as long as I’m committed to getting better.. I’ll eventually get there, right? And frankly.. most of the time? I’m way better then I realize.

But I’ve been having trouble motivating myself.. I mean I have a project of redoing my visual identity.. some web site redesign, wordpress theme development.. and whatever.. huge technical challenges along the way..

So now I’m like… ok.. an obstical I’m running into on the logo is that I don’t really know illustrator well enough.. so I’ll go do some online video illustrator courses.. and I’ll remove that barrier. It’s been about 3 days and I’ve progressed lightening fast.. and I’m now just screwing around trying to get that stuff implanted in my long term muscle memory.. and does it matter that the project is taking longer then I wanted as a result of this detour?

Well I don’t know… a long freaking response.. but hopefully it has some kinda value somewhere..

I love this post. A friend once said to me: what would you do if you heard someone tell a friend the things you say to yourself in anger. My answer was: I would be horrified. We do not understand the damage we do by telling ourselves these negative things every day. Words have power and repeat them often enough and they become truth and then beliefs that we operate from

Awesome post Chris. I have been purging negativity from my life for several years, but I do still notice how critical I am to myself. Maybe it is time to purge the negative inner critic. Great advice for everybody. Let me add to help purge negativity start by eliminating the news: TV, radio and newspaper. Another easy to do task, but takes discipline.

Gosh, I love this.
Its hard to stay positive all the time, but I often find that the more positive I am, the more I get accomplished during the day. You hit the nail on the head with the fact that we are our own worse inner critic.
Thank you for this.